What do I want?
Well, for one, I wish our sex life was more exciting. We have passion but I have never orgasm-ed by my husband. I also find that a previous boyfriend (in my youth) was the only one who really made me feel turned on by kissing me alone. I miss that and even tried means to see if my husband could entice me in that way, but he just can't. It's just like touching me in the right spots, I've shown him a number of times, but he simply doesn't get it. So, it's frustrating.
I've sought to have a sex therapist (and hubby is willing). We've searched online but little response as yet.
As a child and up until my first sexual experience aged 28, I was made afraid to engage in sex. I was told horror stories related to people who did have sex late in life resulting in emotional pain and even death. I believe my mom either never had a good experience from sex because as inappropriate as this sounds, she said (out loud)'Oh now you're consummating the marriage.' I feel she has been too involved in my life as she has had very little in her own. She adopted me and always wanted another child of her own, but it never happened. I would get mixed messages about sex - my parents would make out or kiss lightly in front of me, but also mom would press against him in my view. Confusing to say the least and sex was something I only investigated in secret. In later life (18/19/20 y/o) I opened up to her about looking at pornography on occasion and she was accepting but kept on to the negativity about sex.
Most if not all of the situations with men were about sex. My desire to have it in secret but in reality I am not permitted (mental blockages). I've had a highly developed moral side from a young age therefore what I've wanted in the past was never 'allowed.' It gave up on this battle at the age of 28 and I felt punished once I broke it. Punished because I didn't gain what I was looking for (sexual fulfillment) but rather heart break.
I was with 2 men - one who I left after 2 weeks; the other 4 months later. The first guy was not sorted in himself and seeking to find himself a wife. He was also an alcoholic, ex drug user...really not my kind of bloke. He also had an issue with my profession and how I was more financially strong.
The second guy worked in Meryl Lynch. To sum him up, he was 'a liar' and very argumentative. Good family but they were very cold. Met them once and never met them again. He also wanted to conceal how we met and it pretty much sounded like I was a prostitute to him. It was awful. He was controlling. We went to NY together and knew that things weren't going to work out. Broke up and I found out many of his lies after that period. He denied it all, of course.
I had already dealt with a number of men who just wanted sex and interestingly, that's probably what I wanted too but felt I had to be in something serious in order to get it. I had a teenage idea of relationships - little about the talking but rather the sexual side. Very naive idea.
My thoughts about this other man 'Alex' are rather about sexual experience than stronger relations. I don't know him and from my experience, no one but my husband has been compatible or wanted more in a love relationship manner therefore, I would fear seeing that lost. If my husband was one of those open to me exploring sexually outside of the home (since he's had a much more exploratory past). That, I know, would NEVER happen.
I feel dreaming is more painful to me as I'll never know what could have really happened. Then the risks I have taken to see what would happen have often been troublesome. What differs is that I leave them knowing why (in reality).
What other things would I like to change...
yes my mindset. How I take care of myself. Used to reject myself as a whole despite attention from the age of 10. I recall one boy liking me but as soon as I became overweight after a summer abroad, I was rejected by many. So yes, weight has also been a means to feel validated. When I lost a certain amount of weight in college and high school and I was sought after by many men (staring, glaring, looking to speak to me, etc). Once I regained it, I felt low in myself and less desirable. I'm now in the in between stage and that's a reason why I question how come my husband was attracted to me and also this other man. Men usually like me more at lower weights. (I'm petite and small boned therefore a few extra pounds looks huge). I would love to be able to not need to feel valuable as a certain weight because I walk around less confident and act less confident.).