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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Ive been seeing an old friend for about 4 months now. We both

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I've been seeing an old friend for about 4 months now. We both really liked each other several years ago, but we were both too shy to say anything and we ended up losing contact until just recently. We are both also going through a divorce right now (we were not seeing each other until after we were both separated). His is rough and has been emotionally tough on him and his kids (the ex is mentally unstable). His divorce is almost over. Mine is just beginning and will probably be rough as well because my ex is also unstable.
This is a long distance relationship, but we've been able to catch up in person a few times and we talk every night before bed and text throughout the day.
My issue is that I don't really know where I stand with him.
He told me in the beginning that I was the one that got away and I was "the" girl. He also told one of my friends that he doesn't think I realize how much he truly cares about me. I got the feeling that the last time we were together he wanted to tell me that he loved me, but he didn't. He kept telling me that he couldn't stop smiling and he didn't know why he was so "giggly". He also kept singing this song lyric that goes "I just want to fall in love". BUT- he doesn't seem to initiate visits and when I asked if he wanted to spend New Year's Eve with me he expressed that he already had plans. That's fine, but it made me wonder if he really is serious about us or not. I would think by this stage in the game NYE would be a holiday we would spend together. It makes me think that even though he's said and done those things in the past that he may not feel that way now, but he's given me no reason to think that he doesn't feel that way anymore.
I want to have a conversation with him about where we are in our relationship, but I'm unsure how to approach the subject without coming on too strong. I don't want to scare him away. So the main things I want to know is this:
How do I ask him about where we stand in our relationship?
Could he really love me or am I imagining it?
Am I reading too much into him not wanting to initiate visits or see me more often?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.

I understand why you may be concerned since he was a little hesitant about a few things. However, he seems to really like you and care for you deeply by what you explained. He is just going through a lot right now and probably is under too much stress. He may very well love you, but can also be afraid to take that step. I would try and relax and not worry just enjoy the time that you both have together and let things take it course. He may be unsure of exactly what he wants at the present time until everything is finalized. It would not hurt to say something like "where do you see us in a year from now" that can give you can idea of where he wants to take this. I would try not to put too much pressure him on saying exactly what he wants at the moment since he has a lot on his plate and may not be sure himself, but I would see by his actions and whether the relationship stays stagnant or progresses. I wouldn't worry about new years since it is still the beginning of the relationship even though you were friends before. If you like him and are willing to take things slow and natural I would do that while enjoying this phase of the relationship then go from there.

I wish you both well, but please reply if I can help you any further.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
But do you think me asking where he sees us a year from now is not too strong and do you think it's ok to do that over the phone? I won't see him again for almost a month.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
You can say it in a casual way not in a way where you are expecting a direct answer because he may have plans fr his future, but not sure when. I think by asking him to decide something at this time for now may be too strong, but asking what he "sees" for his future would be less pressure. You could say it over the phone if you feel comfortable or get the opportunity, but if you are able to wait a month that would be better since not only will you be face to face, but also can see how things progress in the next month. He does though seem to be very happy about you and these are all good signs that things are moving in the right direction.
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