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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I am in a marriage that is less than 2 yrs. This is my second

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I am in a marriage that is less than 2 yrs. This is my second marriage. My wife and I are fighting about my children, my parents, and my ex-spouse. She does not want me to have anything to with my parents because she says my mom is meddling. She does not like me to communicate at all with my ex-spouse unless she can hear the conversation. Because of this I never talk to my ex-spouse whom I have joint custody of our children. My children (2 daughters) are tire of the fighting and cannot stand my wife (their step-mother). They are with me most of the time (approx 60-65%) but now want to stay with their mother because of the issues in my home. My ex-spouse is now threatening to take me back to court because the children no longer want to live with their step-mother. My wife says that I am the problem at that I put my kids, ex-spouse and mother's wishes before hers. I think she is controlling and is trying to push everyone who cares for me away.

I have done a lot of research and feel I am married to a cluster B control freak. I feel like I am always walking on eggshells and waiting for the next bomb to drop. I want peace and to take back control of my life but I am scared to get a divorce (financial consequences, lonliness, etc) but I am also scared to continue on in this relationship because of the roller coaster cycle we are on (good, tension, fight, stonewalling, pull apart, make-up, cycle begins again).

Why can I not make a decision to move on and divorce? Recommendations.
Hello. There are many issues at play here and none of them are a simple fix. You first need to decide if you WANT to stay with your current wife if everything was not as it is. There has to be a reason why you married her to begin with, are those feelings no longer there? Everyone in this situation must realize that there is a problem and not blame anyone else. This can all be worked out but every person in this has to let go of their pride and start in the right direction.
Your wife must understand that your children come first above all else. You should put your kids before her. You also must have a reasonable amount of contact with your ex because of the children as well. Your wife needs to understand these things. You need to tell her that this is the way it is. PERIOD. She must get over it and understand that her lack of maturity is the problem.
You should not be afraid of divorce for any of those reasons. While they are legitimate concerns, the ultimate decision must be made for your happiness and the well being of your kids.
You both need to learn how to communicate or else you will get nothing done. Write down the things that you feel are the problem and your ideas of a solution and a compromise. Everything in life is a compromise. If your wife is not open to any type of compromise, then you need to look at your future with someone so rigid in their ways.
If you have already made the decision that you want a divorce, but just can't tell her, then why don't you separate for now? If your kids spend a lot of their time with you, then delve yourself into them and alleviate your loneliness. You need to weigh the pros and cons and make whichever decision is best for you and your future.
I would first try and work on things. Take a stand on things you feel strongly about and offer compromise on other things. Ask her what her solutions to some of the issues would be. Work on these things together as a team, not you vs her. I would also seriously consider writing things down as I said. It will help clear your thoughts and organize them. You can give it to her or not, its up to you, but sometimes it can be a good tool in opening up on a different level of conversation.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

My spouse has recently gave me an ultimatum to take my spouse back to court for support modification because she feels I am paying too much and she has discussed with attorney. I agree I am probably paying 200-400 a month too much but at the same time my kids are not happy and if I pursue a support modification I feel I will alienate by kids from me and it up in a custody battle with my ex-spouse because my kids are not happy in my home due to their step-mother.


I am tired of being controlled and given ultimatums. When I try to discuss things with her, she has compromised and done everyting right. All the issues are with me.


We cannot communicate. I know what she is going to say and how she will react before she does.

A relationship with no or bad communication is 100% destined to fail and that is a fact. IF you both have reached that point and cannot move past it, then you are delaying the inevitable. You should not be controlled, you should be doing what you think is best for the kids and what you believe is fair to you. There should never be ultimatums in relationship unless it involves harm to one or the other. it sounds as though you and or kids are not happy in the home with her. I would consider asking her to leave and to separate and take a break at the very minimum.
The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you are going to have to make a difficult choice. No one can make it for you. I think that a separation would be beneficial because you can have a break from the day to day stress and you can both decide what the next step should be, without being drastic in one way or another.
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