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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question
Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Hi .. I used this site two years ago for a relation ship problem

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Hi .. I used this site two years ago for a relation ship problem .. And I liked it alot .. And its was so helpful .. Now Im having a new problem and I need help please ..
Last year I was studying in the library and one girl sat in the next table in front of me , I didnt make anything but after couple days one of my friend was with me and he said to me and I saw the girl again .. After finishing study he told me she always was looking to you .. I noticed that later .. And I saw her many times after that before I was planning to talk to her .. But I think I made the wrong desgin becuase that day my friends were around and she was with her friend and I didnt introduce myself , I jumped and aksed her how are ? And I told her that I saw her in a place that day .. And I asked to join them and her friend jumped and said no .. Then I ignored her friend and I asked her for her number and she said she is not looking for someone right now ..
Now after that I stoped thinking of that girl though I think I was soo wrong and I didnt give her the chance .. But I keep seeing her in the library and I think she is still intersted , this term I asked her to join her will she was studing and she said shes waiting her friend , but when I sat in a different place she didnt stop looking ..
One day I was walking and she was studying with a different friend , and I think she told her about me , becuase her friend was looking to me for a while while was walking ..

I need help I want to fix all this misunderstanding .. And introduce myself right and maybe gives her an good impression of myself ??

jenhelant :

Hi My name is XXXXX XXXXX I would like to help you. Please give me a few moments to carefully read your question and prepare your answer

jenhelant :


jenhelant :

Hi I do understand where you are coming from and why you would want to make things right in order to give it a fair shot. I think you were just very excited when you heard she liked you that you may have forgotten a few steps. I think the best thing to do from here is try to go up to her alone or if she always is with someone than you would need to do what Iam going to say in front of the friend. Unless you ask her if you can speak to her for a minute

jenhelant :

in private, but then you risk her saying no.

jenhelant :

Tell her something along the lines of " I am so sorry we came off the wrong foot the last time and I just wanted to apologize for that and introduce myself".

jenhelant :

Whether you talk in private or in front of a friend is up to you. Then I would just start up a conversation depending on where you are , such as

jenhelant :

if it is the library you can ask her if she studies there a lot or etc. You would need to find something pertaining to the situation you are in.

jenhelant :

Then you can go from there based on her response. You should then have a good idea of her reaction just from those few sentences. Then you can go from there depending

jenhelant :

on her reaction.

jenhelant :

Unfortunately, we can not change the past, but we can change the future.

jenhelant :


jenhelant :

if you want when you see her looking at you then you could try smiling at her and see what her reaction is even before you do what i just mentioned. However, that will tell you a lot if she smiles back, but if she does not then it can still be due to what happened before, so you would still need to do what i mentioned to clear the air.

jenhelant :

Please let me know if you have any questions or if I can help you further as well as if you need any clarification.

jenhelant :

Please reply back if needed and it will alert me when you are back online. We can then continue through email. Thanks

Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for your comments .. After seeing her alot and doing nothing postive , do you think she still thinks in a postive way toward me ? Im afraid the event that happend first was almost one years old and its to late to do it , maybe could do something else ? What do you think ??
It is my pleasure to help. I think she could of took advantage of the situation when she had, but who knows if she took offense to it. Difficult since we do not know exactly what she is thinking. In any case if you feel you are interested and wanted to try I think this would be the best thing to do at this point. I think introducing yourself and starting small talk as well as apologizing for coming off the wrong way even though was a while ago would clear the air and open it for any future communication if she is truly interested.

Did you have any ideas that you have been considering that you would like to get my opinion on?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
No actually .. Is it not allowded ?
When I decided to give it a second try this time .. I asked her to join her in a table so I can talk with her , but she said no and my plans were gone since I dont have a second plan .. I thought if she still intersted she would say yes you can join .. But what keeping me thinks is when I see her she dont act like the girls who dont care a out that guy , I think her face becomes red and she act different .. As I notice when I see her ..
I understand what you are saying. I think she would have said yes also, but I see that you are still seeing her actions like she is interested, so can be confusing. This is why I think she may have thought the initial meeting did not go as planned, but she still seems interested. To clear your mind I would try what I mentioned and if the response is negative I would move on from there knowing that you did your part and whatever she is thinking we will never know, but you did all you could do.

I noticed you have not given me a positive rating yet, so I was just wondering if I can help you further.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi.. I hope you remember my case .. so I saw her after along time since I talked with you .. When I first saw her she didn't smile and she pretend if she havent see me .. she also was with one friend ... I think she dont want to see me ..


I remember you. I am sorry, but I have to agree with you. It really does not look to good given the situation. Are you still interested in her?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Yes Im still interested on her .. but Im in a difficult situation .. The first time I saw her she was really different .. now Im not sure if she is acting like this because she dont like me anymore or she is not anymore interested if she was or she decided to forget me .. and before I rarely see her with some friend .. which is not now .. and I think this makes it so hard ..

Many ideas are coming across my head .. at the beginning I thought she was interested on me so I decided to move but I didnt made it right ..then she still was interested on me I believe but I didnt made the right move also .. now I dont know ??

It is not your fault. You have done the right thing. She has been giving you very mixed messages. Have you tried to talk with her at all?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
You are right but sometimes I think its my fault .. When I first saw her she was more relaxed and normally acting later she changed Or I would say after I talked with her the first time this was almost one year ago .. but Iater I thought i would give it another try .. today no I didnt talk with her .. her acting makes me confuse .. well from the first look she didnt seem pleasant to see me .. One time this was last term I saw her alone so I asked her to join her in a table .. she said she is waiting her friend and I said its Ok.. then after 1 hr her friend came .. the next day she was sitting in the same table I sat in the day before and she was looking at me after that she left ...

Now I dont know what to do ??
I would say the best thing you can do right now is to try and strike up a conversation with her. Then see her reaction. If she is interested she will be positive and if not then she will brush you off.

If you want to be more direct then you can try talking to her directly about everything then see how to proceed from there.

Either way at this point I think it is crucial you chose one of these options in order for you to get some straight answers. She is giving you mixed messages and this is really the best way. If you are not willing to do either then it may be best to move on and focus on others. Then you can meet someone who will take you up on your offers. It is your choice how to proceed, but I strongly recommend on of these ways that I have mentioned.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Im sorry I choose the wrong one .. I wanted to choose the best one , but accidentally I choose this one .. do you know how can I change it ??

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi .. so next time if I see her either alone or with a friend .. I asked her if I could join them in the table becuase I always see her in the labrairy .. and if she said yes I sit and start doing the conversation as a sign from her and if she said no you cant join I would get that a sign as she is not interseted and I have to be away from her ??? Is it a good plan.. because I need a good way to start a good conversation and to have a relaxed situation ???

Yes, that is a good plan. This is the way to know and you deserve to know once and for all. If you need any more help please let me know. I am here for you.

You can change the rating to the best one by rating this answer. It will cancel the other one out. Thanks so much!

I am here whenever you need!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I have one more question .. so even if she was with a friend I can focus on her .. and I can talk with while Im ignoring her friend .. is it right this way .. I mean if she was positive I will probably set up something at the end before leaving snd ask for her number .. this is all ok in front of her friend ??

If you do not get the opportunity with her alone then that may be your best option. I would say Hi to the friend, so you do not seem rude and then do what you explained. I think that is best given the situation.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi .. So I saw her two days ago with her friend .. and I asked to join and they said ok .. for the first minutes no one was talking .. I started on few times .. but then they were discussing about classes , so I took the opportunity and tried to help her with some classes for next term .. but after that we didnt have a lot of conversations .. I was trying to open some of them .. but on some times she was putting the headphones .. and she was reading .. I didnt like to distribute her .. and I was studying in the same time .. but before leaving I said it was nice to sit with them and I introduced myself and they as well .. and I asked if they going to be in the library tomorrow , they said yes .. so I said I will probably be coming so I can see you .. but I didnt go because I had some work to do .. but are there good signs ?? I mean if a girl know if someone wants her and was trying with her would she act like that ?? If I see her again will I sit with them again or just say hi ?? or do something else ?? ask for her phone or facebook ? or not good idea ??


Welcome back. It was a good sign that they let you sit. However, her behavior seemed to be whatever she would have normally done. She did not seem to do anything different cause you were there. It is really up to you how much longer you want to pursue this, but since you were able to get this far this time and I know how interested you have been it may be a good idea to ask and sit with them again. I wouldn't go to far next time like trying to get info or etc. See first how things go at the next meeting when you wit with them then go from there.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So next time you suggest to know more about her .. Not to ask her out or something more serious ??
Yes this is a big step, so you don't want to risk ruining it. I would appreciate the fact you took a huge step and enjoy that before moving too forward. You want her to get to know you a little better and not scare her away by rushing things.

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