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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have been seeing a married man since September, and although

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I have been seeing a married man since September, and although he has told me he is going to be going through the process of divorce, it seeems there is always some type of drama that occurs creating an obstacle to this move he needs to make. His sister has been in Hospice for brain cancer, and unfortunately passed yesterday. I feel helpless because there is no way I can even help him or support him by being there. He has told me I'm in his future plans, and even turned down a job out of state knowing I did not want to leave my state. Now that his sister has passed, and after he has gone through his grief, I would hope to start seeing some kind of movement toward ending his marriage and beginning a new relationship with me. He tells me alot of things, but how do I know what is true? I know I need to give him an ultimatum, but whenever I approach this subject, he always tells me we haven't even really gotten to know each other yet, this is a 'phase' we must go through. But, it's not really fair because I don't want to date a man who I enjoy being with, but cannot freely call, or invite over whenever I would like. When should I start seeing some kind of movement, or what should I say to this man to let him know that I'm tired of playing second fiddle, tired of hearing all talk, but seeing no action, and cannot invest my heart's energy into somebody that is still married to someone else. Honestly, and I will tell him, I don't know what is truth and what is not because he says the same thing that all other married men say to their mistresses. I'm hurt and lonely alot, but have found myself lately growing more and more angry. The way we communicate mostly is by text. I have told him how I feel, he gets angry at himself for making me feel this way, then turns it around to focus on me enjoying life and I start to lose him.
What if I just stopped responding to his texts? Eventually he will call, then I can tell him I'm tired of texting, and if he wants to talk, he can come over or call, but nothing further until he is legally able to see me publicly and more often. I know this will turn into an anger session, and then I might lose him, but at this point, I almost feel I should go ahead and lose him so I can get over it and carry on with my life. I love him, don't want to lose him, but I just don't understand how he can be unhappily married but continue day after day, week after week, in a marriage. To me, that doesn't show he's unhappy. It shows he has chosen her before me. Ugh......any suggestions on what to say so I don't put him on the defense?
You have to lay out firm boundaries...and stick to them. You know if this situation is leading to more excuses. It is nice to support him but you have to have time that is special to the both of you and patience only goes so far. He has to know that you aren't going to wait forever. Explain to him that although you care about him there comes a time where you have to draw the line. If you are firm he will know you mean what you say. You have to mean what you say and say what you mean. I would give him options and try to show him you are upset without a total ultimatum. If his life is stressful I would wait out his grieving process but not so long that it offers more excuses. Be sympathetic without being an enabler. If he leaves he wasn't going to end his marriage anyway because he knows what he wants.
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