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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My husband went out the end of September and never came home

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My husband went out the end of September and never came home till 7:30 am. When he did return he said he had fell asleep in town then walked home. He lost his phone as well. We cancelled his phone and ordered a new sim card which he was very eager to get. Since he went out that night i noticed a lot of changes in him like not coming home straight after work or lunch time like he used to, not having any interest with home life or kids, not hugging or kissing me like he was before and hiding his phone. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he denied it. I found a text in his phone he sent so i rand the number which was a female and she confirmed she met him out but nothing happened and never knew he was married with 5 kids. A week after that he then told me he had cheated the week after that he said he really liked her. I was utterly in shock and gutted but he wouldn't talk about it just thought we could be ok. while all this was going on someone has been texting my husband pretending they are the girl he met and her boyfriend was after him they also texted me with her real name as she lied about her name. My husband since left me because he thinks its me who has been sending the messages to him and myself and can not trust me. I would like to work at my marriage we've been together nearly 19 years and have 5 daughters, our marriage has had its ups & downs but we are usually strong, loving and very happy together. what do i do... Thanks Sarah
Hi Sarah

I am sorry about what you are going through. I understand why you want to save your marriage after being together so long and having 5 children. The main issue is that he did cheat and it is difficult to know if he is trying to be manipulative and say these texts are from you in order for you to focus on this rather than the fact he cheated or if he really believes it. Since you know him well you may know the answer to that. That is something I would be concerned about. However, either way whether he believes it or not he is still trying to forget about what he did and put the blame on you.

If indeed he believes the texts are from you then you can prove that by showing him the numbers they came from. Have him call the number and talk to the person sending the text. This may solve the issue of proving that it was not you who sent the text, but if he does not want to call the number then he may be hiding something or know the truth.

Either way he is the one that cheated and can not be trusted, so even though he feels he can not trust you due to the text that does not change what he did to you. Instead of hiding from what he did and blaming things on you now he needs to take responsibility for his actions. This relationship can work and be saved if he is willing to do that. He also needs to be willing to prove his trust back to you and be patient. It may be difficult for you to trust him right now and that is understandable, but he can not turn this all on you now. This is a cover up for his own actions whether he really believes you sent the text or not. It takes time to build the trust back. If he is willing to do that then it will be easier. A lot of communication on both ends. He would need to be able to back up all his words with actions in order for the trust to be built up. All of this takes time, but if the two of you are willing to do what is necessary then you both can get passed this. He also needs to have patience in order to show you his honestly since you may not trust him in the near future.

He is saying he is done because he can not trust you, but he is missing the entire fact that he cheated. I think by having him call the number that texted will resolve this issue for you. He can not put the blame on you for his own actions even if it were you he is the one that broke the trust by cheating. I would try this first then go from there because depending on his reaction to this would change how to proceed.

I am here to help you further if you need. Please let me know if you have any more questions or need clarification on what I wrote. Also, if you need help in the future you can type my name in your question if you would like to continue working with me.
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