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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My heart is breaking at the moment. I was in a long distant

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My heart is breaking at the moment. I was in a long distant relationship for a year and a half, during which time I saw my boyfriend on two occasions, when he came to visit me (both one month each). We had not been together very long before I left to study overseas. We both had very high hopes for the relationship, which is why we signed up for going a year and a half long distance, with the hope that we could have a proper relationship when I returned. We never had an explicit talk about fidelity, although there was a clear tacit understanding that we were exclusive. Of course, it was very hard to maintain connection and intimacy, and I got increasingly frustrated with the whole thing. I didn't want to break up, as the idea of what we could be at the end of it all was so powerful. Instead, I had a couple of little flings, to 'get me through' until we could eventually be together. He did not do this, instead focused on trying to build up our connection and trust.

Finally, I was able to come back home, and over time we did fall in love and begin to develop the relationship we had hoped for. At one point, I felt it wasn't right to keep these flings a secret any longer. I made the decision just to tell him about one instance (I casually saw two people, twice each). He flew into a rage, and demanded to know what else there had been. I panicked, and told him that was it. It took two days for the full story to come out. This, apart from the infidelity, is another factor that has made him hurt so much, the fact that he had to plead for me to tell him everything. The memory of it makes me want to die.

Four months later, he is still full of hurt, and doesn't see a future for us, although he has tried. The situation is simply so heartbreaking, as we loved each other and had such hopes for a future togetehr. He cannot see how he can get over his hurt, and wants to move on and start a fresh. I recenty wrote him a letter, expressing my sorrow, my love and wishing him well. So it seems quite final.

I still can't move on however. I'm hoping that my partner may change his mind, but four months is a long time to wait. I feel that I ruined a relationship with an incredible person, that could have been the relationship of my life. I would do anything to get him back- I've given him space, time, continually expressed my love and regret. I guess I have to live with the consequences and try to move on. Please help. I feel that my partner did everything right, and I destroyed what we had.
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Dear friend,

This is a heartbreaking story for both of you, but you broke the trust between you and he feels he can no longer trust you. I am sure that he would want to be able to change things but just cannot get past this.

His vision of you has changed and it seems that he cannot recover the image of you before this happens. He always sees the defect, and may always see it.

The only very remote possibility is for him to agree to go to a marriage and family therapist with you and try to open the lines of communication. It seems, from what you say, however, that it is much too late.

You have payed a price but at the time you had your dalliances with the others you were not as worldly and mature as you are now.

You have paid a price and learned a lesson, and now you will be able to do much better the next time.

There WILL be a next time. You cannot un-ring the bell, but you can do a lot differently the next time. You will find another good man. Don't try to find one like him again. Just try to find another good one.

It's time to move forward with your life and leave the broken past behind. You have no wayu back - only forward.

This is not the end of the world or the end of your romantic life. It is, rather, a new beginning. You will look back on this and see that the memory has faded and that all is well. Move on, and let the sands of time grind down your grief and pain. That is the best you can do.

I wish you the strength to heal.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
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