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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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For the last several months I have gone from losing someone

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For the last several months I have gone from losing someone I cared for very deeply to finding someone that has made me feel that life is worth living through. She pulled me from my own hells with seemingly no effort on her part, but I know she did enormous amounts of things for me.
Also during this time, she has been ending her current relationship. She and I embarked on a relationship that should not have happened because her other involvements were not offically over with. But we clung to one another, healed one another, and we started to lay plans for our own future.
Through her own struggles and difficulties, she required time to end her other relationship, a relationship that had its troubles that she deemed unfixable yet she HAD to give him one last chance. And that time was something I could not fully provide her with. She was not intimate with her current boyfriend, except once during her and my time, and that nearly caused me to leave. When she was finally ready, when she was telling him that, yes, it was all over, she and he had a very long talk, and she wound up being intimate with him again. She was giving him another chance that she was "certain" she wasn't going to. This killed me. She never made me any promises otherwise, but we both made many implied "promises". So again, I made to leave.
She came to get me. She couldn't let me go just as I couldn't fully walk away.
And as she came for me...she asked if she went back and told him that it was indeed over, would I take her back. I told her I could no longer promise her anything, she cut me deeply and I don't want to make her a promise that the hurts we heaped upon one another would not mess up the potential we shared. But she did break it off with him. And I gave it very serious thought, she was doing what I needed of her, so I said yes, we could still have a future.
And then I screwed up. I did not know I HAD her yet. I knew she had broken things off, but I was giving her time, time she needed to arrange her life before fully being with me. I didn't know we had just come together, it was never said out loud. In my foolish ignorance, I tried to talk to her and bring us both to seeing eye-to-eye at last on some issues that were very important to me. And because I used poor word choice, because she took my words as statements of blame (she said I was blaming her and I explained that that was not my intent and that the words I was using were the only ones I knew how to lay out the issue), because she needed my comfort and not my trying to stem off potential problems...I pushed HER away.
Now, because her other lover has "changed" and is trying to fix what he broke and because I had an important moment of insensitivity, she and I are not...we're not Together like I thought we would be. She's giving both he and I a chance win her, but she's afraid of making a bad choice.
I have profusely apologized. I have begged and become aware of my flaws so that I don't do something so stupid again. But at the same time, I had to sit through many things that I never wanted to have to endure just for that opportunity to be with her, yet I did because she MATTERS. I got hurt so badly through it all, she did as well, but I feel as if I'm being penalized for feeling hurt.
I've gone from holding on until I could be with her, to having her and not knowing I had her for a few hours before messing it up with insensative words, to her again not being able to promise me anything. I know, I KNOW she loves me. I love her. But she's also capable of loving more than one person and being with more than one person, whereas I cannot.
She says my negative mentality has also attributed to things. I am a pessimist by nature. And I see her looking at me, I feel her when she brushes against me, touches me, hear her when she speaks. I am trying to make amends. But he also has this opportunity to make amends. And I feel like I was never given a fair chance. I never got to have the full relationship and show her all of me because she wasn't available.
We are all living in close proximity to one another. I am friends with him. But I know about him, he does not know about me. In a few weeks, I am traveling to see relatives for the holidays. He will still be here, she will still be here, I will not be here. I am deathly afraid I have lost her forever. Right now she has asked for space, from both of us. But I fear that while I am gone, unless she makes a choice before I have to go, that during my absence I will lose her then.
I trust her. She has never made a promise that she hasn't kept. But there are promises she never made that could prove to tear us apart.

Am I being foolish for hanging on? Do I part with someone that is potentially my soulmate (a term I did NOT believe in until she came into my life)? Or do I find some way to remain patient when I am torn apart every day?
I want to give her what she needs, but she's unsure of what that is. And that could prove our end.

I understand how you are feeling, but try not to be so hard on yourself. You are blaming yourself for that one day you said things the wrong way. No one is perfect and that does happen. We learn from these mistakes and this is how we grow and become better people and partners. I don't think that is what "messed things" up. She is confused and does not know what to do. Most likely she would have been confused either way. It was not this one moment that caused this. These issues were going on before and after. Every couple has issues that needs to be worked on and no one is perfect. I don't the way you spoke caused her behavior. This was bound to happen based on everything you explained. She is confused in general and this is the reason she has even contacted a psychiatrist.

From what you explained this other person does not seem good for her. I would try and think positive. Changing the way you think can change a lot in your life. There is a belief system called Pygmalion effect. This is the belief that if we think positive our actions will be more positive and therefore our outcomes are most likely to be more positive. I would suggest when negative thoughts come into your mind remove it and replace it with a positive. This is not just for this relationship, but for yourself in general.

For whatever reason she has feelings for this person I do not know, but it does seem by what you say she wants to get away from him and she knows you are her soul mate. I would encourage you to show her though actions how you are changing into a positive person. Maybe if she sees your spirits more positive she will be able to make a decision. She seems to have strong feelings for you and want to be with you. There may be many things that are stopping her, but we do not know what is making her confused nor what is causing her to fall for this other person. All you can do is your part. Before you leave I would just be sure to let her know how you feel and what you want in the future for you both. Let her know you will miss her and hope she can organize her feelings in this time away. From there I would not contact her until you get back or in a few weeks, which ever first. . This will give her time to think as well as "miss you". Sometimes contacting too much can be counterproductive, but by you being away she may see how much her heart aches when you are far. It is best to know the truth about everything. We can not force people to be with us, but if they indeed do not then at least we have the right to know the truth just as if they do want to be with us. Hopefully she will be reminded of her strong feelings for you and finally do the right thing and make a decision. If you have more questions or need clarification then please let me know. I wish you both well and I am here to help you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you.

To further clarify her stance, she has been through two prior abusive relationships before being with the man she was most recently a couple with. As I said, he is also my friend, he is not a bad guy. But he has his own baggage, and his baggage is what hurt her for the last year of their three year relationship. She was finished with him, until, during their break-up, he changed back into the man she first fell for. Her and I were never supposed to happen, but we did. For various reasons, but we both feel this incredible pull toward one another.


And now that he's changed, now that my pattern of negativity came to a head at the very moment I should have enjoyed our new relationship, now she's backing away from both of us in confusion. I understand her need to make the "right" choice for her. Even after she broke it off with him, while she still cares for him, it wasn't until I faltered that I was no longer the "right" choice. Because until I hurt her, I was.


Her own baggage, coupled with her being hurt by him and now him trying to make amends, and then my involvement, the love and affection I have given her combined with that hurt I gave her has left her reeling.


On another note (and this may sound cheesy), I feel when certain Bad things are about to happen. And those who I've shared these feeling with when they arrive and see the Bad thing occur when and how I felt it would, have seen it in action. Now, this is the whole reason I've asked my questions at all, because I can feel it brewing and it's around that time I will be away. Generally, this type of feeling for me is very accurate.

That being said, it has been brought to my attention that because I'm rather negative, that these "feelings" could just be something that gets proven right BECAUSE I'm always feeling negative and that bad things happen and it's just possible coincidence.


Thanks for explaining that helps me to understand better. I understand what you are saying, but I still think she would have been confused even if you didn't "slip up" because he still did change back to the man he once was. Also, in every relationship there needs to be room for error since no one is perfect. So even if you did make a mistake it would be concerning for someone to change everything due to that. She also has been through a lot and this may make things more difficult for her.
I understand about the" feelings" you have. It could be a coincidence, but there are people that do feel when certain bad things are going to happen and they do. I know you are afraid to lose her when you leave, but you can only stay or go. If you feel it is worth staying then you may want to consider that. But I feel it is best to go through with your plans for the holidays and allow her the time to think. Like you said she seems very confused right now about what she wants, but deep down she knows both of you. Just because he is showing change does not mean he has fully changed and just because you shown fault does not make you bad. She will ultimately need to make a decision and it is up to you to decide what you are willing to change in your plans or life in order to try and save your relationship with her as well as how long you are willing to wait around. If you even were to move on and she changed her mind in the future you can always reevaluate your situation to decide if it is something you still want.
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