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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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Why would a guy go from saying he wanted to be my boyfriend,

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Why would a guy go from saying he wanted to be my boyfriend, to later, when I asked him for a relationship, say he isn't ready? And again, confirm to me tonight that he doesn't want anything serious? I'm so confused, because in the beginning he acted like he was head over heels for me, buying me gifts, and trying so hard to spend time with me...All of this started, with him persuing me about 9months ago. And when I've confronted him and simply told him my feelings and told him how I'm confused about what we are, he sometimes says that part of it is that he doesn't want to do what HE thinks we're doing, arguing. I don't view it as arguing, but moreso just expressing myself and trying to figure out where we stand. I did probably overreact a little when he distanced himself a little, about 5months ago, and explained my concern, and how I'd noticed his ex-girlfriend was tending to show up where we work (his ex girlfriend's mom works where we work also). Nonetheless, he told me that he isn't interested in her anymore, "doesn't see her as a woman," etc. I'm wondering if my panic pushed him away, or made him scared to get involved. I guess I'm just wondering if he's being honest with me, when he says he doesn't want anything serious? And when I've pushed him, he told me he felt like I was pushing him to say he doesn't like me, and he said he wasn't going to say that. But I also recently told him that a relationship should be a fun, committed, thing between two people, not some dreaded thing, which, I think he appreciated me saying. We've been intimate recently, which is another reason these questions are rising again. Is he just stringing me along, with no plan to ever have a relationship with me?
Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for asking your question - I'm happy to help you today.

I can see why you'd be confused, because the way he's acting is very erratic. And the situation is not fair to you at all, because he's making all the decisions about the "status" of your relationship. Now, as far as what you said regarding the arguing, this is where a lot of relationships go wrong. Women like to talk about their feelings and to be understood by their partners, so we talk about things - it's a normal thing to do - but men don't like to talk, they like action. So they don't always (or often) feel the need to talk about the relationship or their feelings, and in fact, doing so too often can push them away, when the actual intent is to pull them closer. So I am hearing that as a bit of a problem that could be reconciled by less talking and more spending time together just having fun and enjoying each others' company.
So to answer your question, it could be that he felt like he needed to pull back when you panicked regarding the ex-girlfriend, and that may have made him scared to get involved. I do think he's being honest when he says he doesn't want anything serious because I think he wants to give it more of a test run and see if the relationship is going to be more about talking about feelings and problems or about enjoying being with each other. It's not your fault, and what you're doing is totally normal from a female's point of view. Because what you said is correct - a relationship should be a fun (and hopefully committed) thing - but it sounds like you both need to build things back up to that point. I don't think he's stringing you along, and it sounds like he really does care about you. I'd be careful of being intimate again too soon, because then there's no real motivation for him to commit. Just try to be yourself, not to worry so much about how things are going, just try to have fun and if possible, not talk about the relationship for a little while. I think you'll be surprised at how quickly things turn around. Good luck!
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