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my girlfriend of 4 years and a few months broke up with me

a month and a half...
my girlfriend of 4 years and a few months broke up with me a month and a half ago. I was devastated, we were both on the same page as far as our future together. Talked about marriage and kids, I'm 27 and she is 26. I was blindsided by the break up and acted so stupid after, being needy and desperate because I hurt so much. Looking back I shouldn't have been blindsided because signs were kinda there. We were both too comfortable and took a lot of things for granted. When she called I didn't always treat her the best (used the excuse I didn't like speaking on the phone). But when we were together we were good, we had our petty little fights about things. Didn't always have the best communication. I still love her and want her back. I think she uses me the last couple months of our relationship when she was dealing with all her doubts in her head instead of talking about them with me. I gave her some space after a few phone calls within a few days of the break up. I recently have text her a few times about a new job I'm getting, she was positive and happy for me. I text her today a few days later about something that reminded me of her and just said have a good weekend. She responded about 15 minutes later telling me she wasn't trying to be rude but not to text me anymore, she congratulated me on the changes and said she hoped the best for me.
She was a huge part of my life, maybe even an unhealthy way, I don't need her. I know this, but I do want her and know I can make her happy. I don't know if I should just move on and try and forget or give her space and see what happens.

thanks
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Answered in 2 minutes by:
11/10/2012
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,566
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of the pain you are in.

CoachJenK :

It is so very tough when you are no longer on the same page and wanting the same things. I think that the best thing is to honor what she is asking.

CoachJenK :

If she has asked you not to text her then we must honor that. i know that is difficult and painful but there isn't much choice around that.

CoachJenK :

If she reaches back out to you on her own then you can decide if you would like to communicate with her, but from where I sit it sounds like she is clear about not wanting the relationship.

CoachJenK :

let me know your thoughts

Customer:

Understandable, how can she just go cold turkey on communication after 4 years? Someone you've talked to basically everyday.

CoachJenK :

the cut off may feel easier for her as it may be too painful to keep the lines of communication open.

Customer:

I guess so, after 4 years I guess I thought it would take something drastic such as cheating or lying to break the bond. It's just a difficult situation that I've not been in before. I guess when you think someone is "the one" you lose site of everything else.

Customer:

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. Thanks for listening.

CoachJenK :

I completely understand that and am impressed by your willingness to look at how you behaved in the relationship

CoachJenK :

I dont think you acted stupid as you said after the break up...you felt sad and wanted to be with her. Thats okay.

Customer:

well, I've had a lot of time to think and realized where I dropped the ball

CoachJenK :

take care of your feelings now

CoachJenK :

and that will help you in future relationships

Customer:

I'm not saying she was perfect either. We didn't always agree and things we did got on eachother nerves at times. But I thought that stuff just happened in relationships

CoachJenK :

you are right. There is no perfection and both people contribute to things in the relationship.

CoachJenK :

I think you have learned a lot from it. I am sorry you are in a lot of pain around it but i do believe healing will come.

Customer:

She was a hard woman to handle and people were surprised that with my personality I was with her as long as I was. My "love was blind" though and looked past some things. I had to deal with her and my own emotions for 4 years and it took its toll bc she didn't handle hers well and put them on me.

Customer:

I guess it just shut me down kinda... But maybe it's one of those things of you don't know what you have till its gone.

CoachJenK :

and you sound like a gentleman and willing to go above and beyond.

CoachJenK :

maybe so or maybe it will help clarify how you want to be in a relationship and maybe the fit wasn't the right one

CoachJenK :

we all take a big hit to ourselves when a relationship ends. this is a time of growth for you

Customer:

Well, I wasn't much of a gentleman in the fallout afterwards, but I've tried to remain calm and collected since then. I'm making the changes in my life for myself but I guess deep down I was making them in hopes for her too. But she killed my hope of that... I was truely doing fine until she told me to stop tonight

CoachJenK :

yes because your hope has been dashed. let yourself feel what you feel so that you can move on .

Customer:

Do you think down the road she will be open to friendship... Not talking within like a month or so but down the road. She was my best friend and we always shared that, she even admit that's what she would miss the most.

CoachJenK :

I am not sure. Hard to tell at this point whether either one of you could manage that after a long love relationship.

Customer:

I alienated myself from a lot of people and things while with her which is my own fault but I guess that's why I feel I've lost so much more in the end.

CoachJenK :

not uncommon and I would suggest that you try and cultivate those relationships again so that you can feel connected

Customer:

well thanks, XXXXX XXXXX vent a little I guess. Friends and family have their own opinions bc they have seen my pain and in turn cast judgement. She will always have a piece of me whether she wants it or not.

CoachJenK :

Come and request me anytime you need to talk. Take care of yourself now. Please take a moment to click on the ratings to offer a rating of my work. My goal is excellent.

Customer:

Will do, just wish that it was easier to move through. I take 1 step forward and 2 steps backs. Thanks again

CoachJenK :

allow it all. one foot in front of the other and no pressure on yourself. give yourself the time and space to heal.

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,566
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified
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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,566
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