ugh... lost in sportsbetting today. sent me into an existential crisis. I've been obsessed with sportsbetting the last week, researching info, looking for obscure stats to try and give me an edge... guess not... batting .500 on the month. that's a loser.
I'll give you a rundown of the day. I woke up at noon, just around the time the games started. I went to grab food, twice... I chain smoked all day and sat glued to the laptop and TV... I felt the pain as my losses piled up throughout the day. I eagerly hoped the nightcap of games would allow me to at least break even... nope, so then I went off into existential crisis. All alone I was, with my cats... all day.
MAN I'm SO bored... why can't that "lightbulb" click inside my head? what am I doing w/ my life? Sigh... see it is times like this where I miss that Spaniard... soft f**kING skin.
I just don't know what to say without sounding... "lame". I don't wanna go out to the bars, I don't wanna play poker, I don't wanna work w/ my dad... that left w/ me sportsbetting... and now this bitter taste of losing makes me realize I don't wanna do that... which leave me a lot of "floating time".. that'll drive anyone to insanity.. what makes me happy... I don't even know... probably the Spaniard. or someone of equivalent attractive value...or maybe I'm just deluding myself.
maybe... just maybe some of us are wired to have trouble finding happiness... a chemical and genetic predisposition perhaps.. sometimes I feel like maybe that's me.
I recall some days in my childhood.. where I had an empty feeling sometimes, had phobias and worries... I think to myself, some of the present day problems aren't just a byproduct of adolesecence...they were existing previously.
I feel a lot of the events of this year are indirectly related to something in the mind... getting robbed by a stripper, falling in love w/ a hooker, binges on jewelry, stringent diets, sports betting, a lot of them to me dictate some sort of malaise that I don't know how to cure. It appears in the pursuit of happiness I went on these tangents, only to wind up still unhappy. I wonder if all of this is even making sense, I am just typing exactly what comes to my mind.
And on that note... her lips are so god DAMN juicy... she surely would've eased today.