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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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After a marriage of 20 years which ended in divorce. And a

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After a marriage of 20 years which ended in divorce. And a 2nd marriage in which i became widowed after 2 years as my late husband died, i have found myself in a single-sex relationship. I feel very confused about this. I love this woman and she loves me but it is a secret relationship and that concerns me for its future. I have a 15 year old daughter, and i think her reaction would be one of disgust, and shame. My priority is my daughter and her well-being, the only reason that this is a secretative relationship. I don't want it to be and i feel it will come to an end if it continues to be. Can you help please?

jenhelant :

Hi, I am sorry what you have been through with your late husband after only a few years. Is this something you approve of in general or have been against? Would you like to continue this relationship in an open way or are you looking to end it? It seems as though you would like to keep it, but more worried about what your daughter would think rather than others. Is this true?

Customer:

I am a non-judgmental woman. Everyone has a right to be who and what they want to be. As long as people are happy i believe it doesn't matter what type of relationship people are in. I don't want to end the relationship. She is a a caring, thoughtful, generous, and unselfish soul and only wants the best for me. I feel very privillaged to be loved by her. I want this relationship to be an 'open one', the fact that we need to live secret lives and hide our love, is what the problem is, i carry my heart on my sleave, and i think that by keeping the relationship secret and hidden it will eventually distroy it. I don't care what others think. Good friends of ours (who have our best interests at heart - her husband died 11 years ago, and this is her first relationship since) will be happy for us. And if people want to judge that is their issue, not mine. YES! It's my daughter. She's been through so much: a divorce with her father, a move to the other side of the world, and then her step-father died. She has been seeing a pyschologist to help with her anger issues, and her attention seeking. I don't want to 'tip' her over the edge with this news? Thank you for your kind words regarding my late husband, it's been a tough time.

jenhelant :

Hi, I think you are being considerate of your daughter. This news can as you say "tip" her off the edge since she has been through so much, so may not be the best idea to tell her. However, sometimes in life we need to deal with things that come our way. If you do not see this as negative then this may be something that you have instilled in her therefore she as well will not see it as negative. However, just the fact that you are dating someone can cause her issues. I have seen children go through things because they resent the fact the mother is with someone else regardless of the sex. However, if she was taught that this was "wrong" or believes it is wrong then it will cause a bigger issue for her emotionally. I understand how you do not judge and do not want to be judged. I agree with you on this. No one should be judged for any reason at all. However, there is something I would like you to consider the fact you are worried about how your daughter would feel about this makes me think that you may not be 100 percent convinced that this relationship may be for you. Yes you love her and are not ashamed as well as should not be. However, you may consider he fact that if you truly want a couple relationship with this women or is it love just love and compansionship you are looking for. I truly wish you the best in any decision you make. I know how difficult this is and would agree that your daughter is your priority right now. I wish you all the gentle wishes and please let me know if I can be of further help.

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