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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi, I need some advice on how to move on after the end of a

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Hi, I need some advice on how to move on after the end of a relationship. I was with a guy for a year and a half. When I was with him I always thought I could find someone better - he was 8 yrs older, divorced with 2 young chn and I wasn't sure if I wanted someone with that baggage. On top of this he was sometimes boring and did not have many friends - I never thought about him when I was away from him and I was constantly looking for other men. I did enjoy spending time with him although sometimes I would prefer to be with my friends - in fact, our first new years eve together I decided to spend with friends rather than with him. He was the first relationship after the end of a previous 11 yr relationship and I think I was looking for security and someone to look after me - which he did. After a lot of back and forth where he made it clear that he didn't think I was giving my all, he broke it off. Now all of a sudden, I can't stop thinking about him and I have this immense sadness that he doesn't want me. What I can't work out is; did I really have true feelings for him or am I just reacting to rejection and being alone for the first time? I am really beating myself up over this - help!
Hello. Getting over a failed relationship is one of the most difficult things we go through in life. There is no one answer which works for everyone and sometimes you have to go through a few different thought patterns to find what works for you. It sounds as though your true feelings about him were going on through your relationship and just the fact that he is not around anymore is causing you to miss him. You knew that he was going to always be around whenever you wanted him to be there and you were not always around when he wanted you to be. This wasn't fair to him, which he saw and so he left. You are definitely just responding to rejection and being alone. You had control over the relationship and now you don't. What you need to do is practice thinking differently. Think about all of those things which caused you to not want to spend time with him when you were with him. Think bout if things went back to that, how miserable and dysfunctional it would be. If this is the first time you are alone, you are used to having a man around which probably took up a lot of your self esteem. You used being in a relationship as validation of yourself and now that is gone and you feel you have no validation. This is where he lack of self esteem comes in. Men are your self esteem. You need to change that and be okay with being yourself and knowing that you don't need to be with another man to feel good about yourself. Obviously, that relationship wasn't working. You need to start looking forward to the future and not beat yourself up over the past. What did you learn from that relationship? Take this experience and use it for your future. Everyone goes through failed relationships. We have to pick ourselves up and keep going. Take what you can from this and be able to use it in a positive way for your next relationship or better yet, to be able to stand on your own, without feeling like you shouldn't ever be alone. Sometimes being alone is the best thing that can happen. Take this time to think and evaluate yourself and your priorities. Don't beat yourself up. It is what it is. It happened and now you have to be able to move forward. You will have good days and bad days where you feel great and other days where you don't feel so great. It's okay. It's normal. Accept that it is part of the process.
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