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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I was in a relationship for 10 years with a man I loved so

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I was in a relationship for 10 years with a man I loved so much. We had one problem : his parents did not like me for him. His mother is manipulative and a drama queen and he is a good son. He is already 33 but his parents still want to control his life. LAst summer he went with me to meet my family and my parents. Then he went back home and suddenly things changed like crazy. He said he realized his parents are old and that they need him (they are Chinese and can't speak English). He said his dad wants him to try and shift career and try studying for chinese medicine which he has always wanted to try. He then spent all his time helping his parents (they have a pear tree farm) and gets to talk to me only after midnight. I wait for him even if I need to wake up at 5:30 for my job everyday. I asked where does he see me in all his plans and he cannot answer me directly. He says he wants to study in the next 3 years, then hopefully I get to be liked by his parents. Suddenly there was this big condition that they need to like me before we can proceed with our plans of settling down and marrying each other. I am so confused and I feel I need to bail out of this relationship because he does not prioritize me enough. If he loves me he would right ? He planned to go to me and push through with our plans before regardless of what his parents feel... but now it's completely crazy. What should I do ? What should I think to lessen the pain of feeling so pathetic ?

I think you know that if he wanted to prioritize he could. It is okay to respect one's parents but allowing to run his life is a choice. If he had the feelings necessary for a long term relationship he could manage both you and them in a way where everyone sacrifices a little. It doesn't seem that he is sacrificing at all. He must know that you are unhappy. A partner has to consider the other person's feelings and he isn't doing that. If you stay you may spend years of your life hoping for more. You have to know that your sacrifices are worth the end result. Your unhappiness may stem from the fact that he can't commit. There comes a time when even though it is painful eventually you benefit from not having your hopes dashed by his inability to commit. If that means seeing a counselor while you grieve this relationship that is understandable. You can't have a relationship with a selfish person. You are despondent because your needs are not being met. You have to change that.

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