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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My partner of 2yrs lives next door to his mum and step dad..3doors

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My partner of 2yrs lives next door to his mum and step dad..3doors away from his bro(who owns the properties) we don't live together 70 miles apart. He has business 200 mls in op direction to me. Very successful. I have own business and a son still at home 22. I'm a widow and don't yet feel right about moving away from son, also have commitment until I can sell which I would do when cetain situations regarding busines are resolved.. he agrees!my man has said he will wait but his mother has said that she thinks he is waiting in vain!! Our time together is quite a lot and we've been managing it very well.. It works usually.
My man has had 3marriages and 5children. Not always made the right decisions for his kids up bringing although a good dad.generous as if he can't help himself keep paying for things.. He doesn't buy things for me but does pay for our days out etc.
He is very influenced by his mother opinion and tells her almost everything.a bit of a worry.
Last divorce was very bitter and a court case came about with custody of child 10 and claims that new step dad was in appropriate with real conclusion but they are now splitting.child still living with mother.incidently this child and I love each other she calls me Mum.. Has asked to live with me.(of course my man didn't like the suggestion or the fact that the child meant he said to her mother that they have done a bad job at being her parents if she asks me this!)
His Mother suggested I was jealous of child when I had my own in laws to stay k and although invited, my man declined saying it would be bitty for the child. Asked what he meant and think it was more jealousy from him re my late husbands in laws.who he and I has a really good relationship..but I do understand his point..
His mother had a nt too serious stroke 3wks ago. I was asked not to go up as he was dashing around doing things for them.( he has a brother and Sis law who r good and mum has a husband able bodied)I was shocked but ina way pleased as I would have felt in the way maybe.
It seems that when he has trouble he runs Round organising and can't cope with me being around.he is ex army and quite bossy..he Actually said I would be in the way.
This weekend he has dashed off to stand by in case child needs him (staying with his son) and will be nearby to rescue if needed. Fearing there may be violence aimed at ex wife from splitting he has been violent to ex wife when they split.
Once again I'm in the way so I'm left at home.. Now I understand his actions in both situations but my concern is that if it were me I would want his help and shoulder.
I am very upset as he seems indifferent and not really texting nicely or ringing much.if I'm truthful it's been tetchy for a while really cus his bossiness is difficult to deal with sometimes.
Usually we say I love you several times a day and always at night..Nd I really do love him.
I feel insecure and lonely and am biding my time to being able to discuss things properly with him... but.... am I talking my self out of this relationship or being selfish or in reality am I not With the right man. We were so happy and kept saying how lucky we are to be so happy.. But it's all seeming pear shaped now..
Talk some sense to me please!!!
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

You are in a long distance relationship which is one of the most difficult to maintain. The time you have together is set aside as special time, which makes the relationship off kilter of what a normal relationship would be. As a result, you do not have a clear picture of what a normal relationship would be like with him day to day.

You also raised some serious concerns about your partner. Ones that if you were together day to day would become more of an issue.

For one, your partner is very attached to his mother. This is never a good sign in a relationship. Any man who is still going back and telling his mother most of what goes on in his life and takes her advice is too attached. His mother can be close but to still be offering advice about his life and still be informed of details of his relationships is too close and too much involved.

You also mentioned that your partner has been through 3 marriages. Although the marriages could have ended because of the wives' issues, it is also likely that your partner was a part of why the marriages ended as well. In that case, unless he has dealt with his own issues, your relationship will be impacted by what he has done in his past relationships. So that needs to be considered.

If your partner is somewhat of a bully, that is a concern as well. You do not want to find yourself in a relationship where your partner is verbally abusive and hurts you in favor of his own needs.

Lastly, you said that your partner asked that you not come and offer support when his mother was ill recently. You are right, that is an odd reaction. You should not been seen as "in the way" when something happens in his family. If that is the message you are getting, then it may be that he sees you as part of his life, but not as primary. And if you end up in a more serious relationship, you could find yourself on the outside of most of his life.

In all, these are serious signs of problems in your relationship. You may want to sit down and have a talk with your partner about your concerns. See what he says. If you feel you are not getting the responses you want to hear, then you may want to consider backing off of the relationship until he can deal with his issues.

I hope this has helped you,
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
We have spoken about marriage and would like that. I have said I would not live near his mum.i suggested that he rent a house somewhere else around the area but away from mother.that way my son can stay in my house for a while and we can test drive. As we both work mid week we can be together weekends as I have dogs that I can't take to his present
Speaking to you has hi lighted problems I've been chewing over.
I think I should try to speak to him in person and lay down my issues. I do fear though that it will end. In truth I like it as it is and am happy with a weekend relationship.But I say again I really love this man and the thought of being with out him is all too painful..when life is normal he is exciting and fun.. We have a good happy time!
My son is an issue for me as he is an only child with step bro's but not ready to go it alone yet.. Affordability is an issue fro him too.

It is certainly fine to keep your relationship as it is if you are ok with letting his issues go as they are. If you do want your relationship to become more serious however, you may need to review these issues with him and see if he is willing to compromise. Your idea of having him move a bit away from his mother is a good idea. He should be less dependent on her and form a better bond with you.

But if you decide that the relationship cannot overcome his issues, separating can be very difficult. It takes time to mourn a relationship and move on. But in the long run, you may save yourself a lot of heartache. Either way, you have to care for yourself and be sure that the relationship is what you want for you.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank u ..

You're welcome! It was nice talking with you. My best to you.