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I am here.
HOw are you?
Yes. I am here.
Great. I am glad you are putting Nate in the past and moving beyond that.
Yes. How is that going?
Tell me why?
Tell me more...
Are you analyzing him because you are afraid he may be like Nate? Or are you analyzing him for other reasons?
because i am afraid that i will suffer again
it's alms like i am afraid that he has tricks like nate did
That makes sense...you were badly hurt by Nate...he said things that were not true and you began to doubt yourself.
before i used to judge someone just based on his education and job title
that's why i chose nate
It is important for you to see him for who he is.
now i found sweet guy but he is just a city worker
but he is sweet
One's profession is not as important as who he is inside...
i keep looking for success rather than personality
my therapist old me that i need to look for his values
Yes...I understand that you are focused on success...but in the end...one's personality is what is most important.
Yes...I agree. His values, beliefs, dreams, ambitions are what is important...not his job title.
Do you have those kinds of conversations...about what you believe in...what you dream about...what you want in life?
Conversations like that will help you better understand him and get to see his inside..not just his outside.
Does this make sense?
we talked about values
like if family is important
he is a very handy person, loves to put things together, does everything round the house but just doesn't feel the desire to get a lot of school because he feels his job at the city is great and he wants to eventually work in the mangemenet there at the city
he is romantci and loves spending los of together time
Sounds like he has many wonderful attributes and is a loving, kind, and caring kind of person.
now a potential problem is:
he was engaged till 7 months ago then they break u
So...do you find these things attractive?
and what i am afraid is what if they will get back together
Why did they break up?
i mean that is my hypothesis
What does he say about that..getting back together...
because she cheated, and they are not good as a couple, they fought very much
he sais they are better friends than a couple
and they cancelled all of the wedding plans which were supposed to be in february
Oh my. Does he seem sad about the engagement ending?
i asked if they will get back together and he said never and that he is over her, that he would not go on dates with me if he would not be recovered
That's a very good answer.
Do you believe him?
well he talks about her and says she is crazy etc
i dn't know
if i can believe anymore a guy
it is hard to believe because they are still friends
Yes...I understand your thinking...
and they talk on the phone on a weekly basis
Have you met her?
Why do you think they talk weekly?
Does he say why that happens?
becuse he is not hiding anything
he says it
she called this week asking dvice about a new boyfriend
and then last week he took her dinner to her workplce, which to me feels ike he is still not over
I like the fact that he is not hiding anything and is open and honest about their communication.
Did he explain why he took her dinner?
Do you feel comfortable asking questions about her?
because she worked the night shift at the hospital and she had no food, cafeteria is closed
it is weird
because he is not hiding
he told me live as he did i
So...he is a caring kind of guy.
he talked me on the phone
nd said please excuse me 1 min
then he called back
i mean i cant say anything becausse he is not my bf
Tell you tell him you disapproved of him taking her dinner..or are you okay that he cares enough about her to still be kind and caring.
i just don; know what to do
You make a very good point Andreea...he is not your BF..you are not in an exclusive relationship..that means that both of you could be dating or seeing other people. Still..he is being honest and open...that is what you need in order to begin to trust men again.
he is caring definetely
he told me how he used to pack her unch everyday
and he cooks ll he time
Would it be okay to you to just continue as you are...dating, talking, spending time together...
but she was very lazy
Maybe you don't need to do anything but continue as you are...and letting life unfold.
so he said tht he did not mind doing some stuff but he could not do all the stuff, like getting her dressed
she sounds lazy...
What about my question...are you okay with just continuing as you are...dating, hanging out together, getting to know each other...
vs. ending the friendship
vs. committing to be bf's
yeah but i feel i rush again..i rush into wanting to be exclusive soon
that's my default and dont know if it is a good approach
I think you need to be patient with yourself.
he is not pushing
anythig like nate did
You have wanted to be in a relationship that would result in a marriage.
nate kissed me the firs day to get me all bonded t him
he does not even get close, he lets me know him better
So...you will look at every relationship as a potential marriage. It is hard to slow things down when what you ultimately want is marriage and a family.
yeah i do
i just do not want to repeat mistkes
What he is doing is giving you the opportunity to establish a friendship before you move into a relationship...likely he needs the same thing...to go slow so that he knows he is free of his ex-girlfriend.
nd what i need to do to not repeat them
even nate acused me of going very fast initially
Yes...he probably thinks the same thing...he probably doesn't want to find himself in the same spot he was with his ex-girlfriend.
Patience is what must happen here.
Can you think about this in terms of steps?
that's why he would say :it is god you are doing this because my exx used to do this..."
Step 1 : becoming friends
Step 2 : becoming exclusive
Taking things one step at a time...
There is no rush - correct?
i say tht
but i do it
i need to control myself
like things go this way
we went out today tonight
Yes... you need to go slow
then he asked me again on a date to go appl picking tommorow
it is hard to say no
That sounds like fun.
to slow down
then he texs me a lot during he day
Well...tell me what going fast is?
asking how is my day
Do you feel bothered by his texts?
like holding hands or even kissing him like tommorow would b fast
Do you think he txts to much?
no that's the thing i love them
nate haed them
Okay...so that's a nice change...he txts and you like that.
he replies within the minute
So he is respectful...that's great.
he calls me
he asks how is my day
So..you have not kissed or held hands?
Does that bother you...or are you okay?
i am ok because i feel it is a matter or time because he calls me beautiful more and more often and that he likes my eyes...i mean who says that if they only want a simple frienship
and in a way is very trashy to do it so fas
i kissed nate the first day and was bad
Yes...it does sound like he is taking it slow as well..that he is not rushing you or rushing himself. That's very very good.
because i loved him and got in love and did no know what a bad person he is
Lee is not rushing, nate made a point in rushing rushing
This time you are doing things differently...you are being more careful with your feelings and are planning for the long term...not just the short term..
i feel that this builds up to that point
like with nate i did not even want to kiss him initially but he insisted a lottt
Yes...you are establishing a friendship. That is critical to a long term relationship.
like our dates are sitting hours next to a coffee and talking only
I think you are moving at the right speed...building a friendship...getting to know each other...this work is preparing you for the possibility of a future together.
so how abot his ex?
he said this: of course she was my fiance one day and she has a plce in my heart but she will never have my whole heart
hopefully somebody else will have my whole heart
so he is not like nate, he mkes a point in keeping the friendship
If they had been in a long term relationship...then it will take time to let go of those feelings and to heal from the pain of the breakup.
for which i am a little jelous
yeh it was 4 years
So..when you think about how you felt after you and Nate broke-up ... you can see why it still has feelings of friendship and caring for her...
yeah he still cares nate dos not
he still does horrible stuff to this day
i got extremely ofended
It seems to me that he is being very honest...and very reasonable. He knew her and cared about her for four years. They were planning to marry. That was a serious relationship. He is speaking the truth when he says that he will have feelings for her for a long time...that is honesty. And...that is what you want Andreea...to be with an honest man.
What did you get offended about?
last weekend he sent me in mail a thank you note now for organizing his grad party in may
he said thank you for making a great party for my family
and for throwing me the party
after 4 monhs
after he broke up with me
What the heck? How pathetic.
who does that
to this day he wants to hurt me
he also says he never wannts to be friends ever
It's like he doesn't have any manners.
he thinks it is not even a possibility
then i compare him with this new guy
this guy still brings food to the women who cheated on him
nd i was a good gf to nte he doesn't even wanna hear about me
he even scared me 2 weeks ago
what did he do...
he told me that i should get my std tests
and i got sooo scared
i had to get all of them
why did he say that?
That is scary!
and i felt so ashamed because i work for the lab
and i got my tests
Did he explain why you needed the tests?
and they were all negative
and i told him
and he laughed
Yes..I can understand how embarrassing that would be.
well it is because you were always scared of stds
and you are funny when you look scared
He laughed? That is really pathetic. Getting the tests was embarrassing and serious. It was no joke.
so this is the guy for whom i scrificed 9 months
and my whole summer
He said that?
and the 2 weeks of break
I am sorry. That was very inappropriate of him.
yep he did
It was disrespectful and hurtful.
but i dont care
i just hate him
i could never dte him ver again
last week i met with his ex gf over a coffee
That was very cruel of him to laugh. Very cruel.
with nate's ex gf
bsically he dumoed her when she got accepted in law school
he kept sking her to not do it
Really? Was he jealous of her? Is that why he dumped her?
and the reason he dumped her is because she chose a good school- ohio state vs cleveland state which is not that well known
he could not drive 2 hours to see her in columbus
and he brke up with her after 2 years
he did not see the point of why ohio state would be better
So he was jealous...and his ego got in the way...
this girl is very pssionte about law, nd she wanted the best school
and the same with me
his mom kept telling him
oh andreea knows what she wants in life
he felt more inferior than me
because i am very decided what i want in life
s he felt probably intimidated
whatever happened happened i dont care
i am happy for my future
Yes...he was jealous of her and probably jealous of you too
i m afraid i will date him then one day he will get bck to his ex
I can understand why you would be scared....
That is your old insecurities talking....
This guy is NOT Nate.
yeah that;s right
This guy is himself...and you must see him for himself...
yeah i will try
i hope he does not lie
If you continue to take things slow...build the friendship...then I think you will learn enough about him that you will be able to tell if he is telling the truth or lying.
So far it seems that he is being honest..he is telling you that he talks to his ex and still sees her (bringing her food). If he wanted to lie...he would not tell you these things.
his actions will speak
You must listen to your heart...
yeah his acions will unfold
i just need to be true to myself
and look at his actions objectively
Yes. And not compare him to Nate.
Let him be his own person.
yes i wil, will go to bed now. it is late here
You are very welcome.
I will lock this question for you.