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SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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my bf of 8 months has been good he loves me lots and theres

Customer Question

my bf of 8 months has been good he loves me lots and theres not a day that goes by me not knowing. his background is very simple his feelings arent always there due to he was never taught to share but they should just know that he cares. i care forhim lots that ive made some mistakes. ive responded to an ex boyfriend of mind who was always in an out of mu life and everytime he would tx i would let my bf know but its gotten to the point that my bf doeesnt like me resonding back , he believes ones exes are done are done and shouldnt contact one another n i feel the same but ive kept responding. my bf was distant n aopologize for replying i really do care for my bf and i dont want him to i have feelings for my ex still bc ive realize that i dont. i was been honest for he does say he apreciates it but why i should i keep relpying to someone that hurt and now im with my current bf.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  SLREED replied 4 years ago.
I think that what you have already tried is what you should go with. Since you are in a relationship with your current boyfriend you have to respect him and his wishes. If the situation was reversed would you want him speaking to an ex girlfriend or responding to her.

I know that you have known this ex for a while and he has always been in your life. But now if the time that you have to evaluate what is important. Do you want to continue with your current boyfriend. If so, then you need to follow through on your word and let this ex go.

You would not want your relationship to go bad over this situation. It sounds like you have something good. So do your best to hold on to it, and let the ex go.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

i will go ahead and let my ex go ive been wanting to n i know i have no feelings for him. what can i do with my current nf whose always been very affectionate and telling me how much he loves but the other saide to him is quiet and into his thoughts that makes him come accross distant. that sometimes makes me feel like he doesnt but he does and his told me i was nver given that love when i was young and sometimes i can give it to you how you want it.

Expert:  SLREED replied 4 years ago.
I think that once you begin to gain some of his trust, that he may be willing to open up to you. A lot of times, people do not want to open up because they fear that if they do, and you break up, then it will hurt them.

So I think that it is good that you are letting you ex go. It shows your boyfriend that you are committed to him and want to make this work. Actions like this, and other things that you can do to earn his trust will make him come out of his shell.

You can try to be more conversational, ask him more open ended questions asked him about how his feels directly, so that he can get used to talking about his emotions. Sometimes these things just take practice, time and trust. If he has never been giving that type of love, then he has to learn how to show it....because he does not know.

You can model this, by showing him how to express love and express to him how you want him to do the same. But the most important things is to be patient, and understand that him showing you love, may not come in the form of words. It may come in the form of his affections. It may be easier for him to show you than it is to say it. But just because he cannot say it yet does not mean that he loves you less.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

i understand i told him i was going to change my number that way he is not reaching me and i dont replied. i guess it just takes time to take us back where we were. trust he says he has but yet it seems trust it what we need to work on. he doesnt want me saying ex at all anymore his patience seems runned out whenit comes to it and he told me it was the last time and no more. we got into a big argument the other day he says i assume rather than not asking and i tend to get mad about and run away. he thinks everything should not happen unless it means something he hates arguing all he wants is to have fun, enjoy us, and stay focuss on the future to better ourselves. his very mature for his age he is 21 im 27 what should i do as a women that should alreadsy have her life together but it seems we are both tryiong to get there at the same time

Expert:  SLREED replied 4 years ago.
Well I think that one thing that may assist both of you is communication. It is okay to disagree, because no one agrees 100% of the time. It is important however, to learn to communicate through your disagreements so that you both walk away understanding one another (even if that means you do not agree with one another). What I am trying say is that running when you disagree is not good. Talking through it and hearing what your boyfriend is trying to say without getting offended is good. That is something that you both have to do.

What you can both do together is discuss what you guys want to do with your lives and where you want to go. You can provide motivation to one another to get there. I think that if you are looking to grow together and build a life with one another, then it is best to come up with a plan of what each of you want to do, what you want to achieve..come up with a plan to get there, and motivate one another do achieve goals. IT will be easier to reach goals together when you are cheering each other on.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

i tend to scream and yell but i hold things because for him it may not seem as bad but for me they are.... one thing forsure he is there when i need him, when im sick his there wanting to make me feel better by asking and thorugh out the day his checking on me, when i got into an accident he was there, his gone to church with me, just whenit comes to things that arent there or serious for him he doesnt like arguing about them

Expert:  SLREED replied 4 years ago.
I can understand that things may be a big deal to you, but it is important to communicate your feelings without yelling and you will see that you will get better results from him. I think the arguing can be fixed. What is important is that he is there when you need him, and that is not something that you can find everyday.

Men tend to not want to argue, and there is nothing wrong with that, you just have to learn to communicate your point with him, instead of arguing.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have not yell in our communication and things seem ok but yet not where they were. I feel he is cautious due to me and my ex texting. But I have tried to have fun and understand where he is coming from. Tonight will be one of our first Fridays after so long not spending together. He is going to his friends house to hang out. My bf doesn't drink or wants to get crazy I trust he is simply just going to hang out. After what we have been going through do you think he just doesn't want to be with me? Or am I thinking to much of it. I really love him but I would like things to be bad and unsaid between us if his not feeling me any more. He hasn't stop taxing me or saying I love you to me whenever he could. What should I do. I've also decided to go and hangout with friend of mine
Expert:  SLREED replied 4 years ago.
Well one thing that you should not be doing is texting your ex. This can come across as being disrespectful to your current relationship. how would you feel if your current boyfriend was still communicating with his ex. So you texting yours, does not help his trust issues. It will make is worse. An ex is an ex for a reason and it may be best to not keep talking to him if you want to create trust with your new boyfriend.

I think that he does want to be with you. however, you are running a fine line with not wanting to give up the ex. That is a big problem. If you want your relationship to continue then you are going to have to earn his trust. I think that letting got of past em's is a great place to start. It show him that you are choosing him over your ex, and that you are committed to working things out.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

im i have chosen to not talk to my ex since all this started im even changing my number and loose complete contact with my ex. i love my bf and i feel how i disrespected him as the person .

Expert:  SLREED replied 4 years ago.
I think that this is a good place to start. It will stop him from asking questions about the past, if he is not concerned or worried that you may go back to your ex, from the past. It will also assist him in trusting you and seeing how serious you are about the relationship.

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