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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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Hi, I never thought at 56 years old I would be writing with

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Hi, I never thought at 56 years old I would be writing with a relationship problem but I'm baffled by this one.
Mr X and I went out together for 6 months about 2 years ago. We had a good relationship in every way but after a while I began to feel smothered as things were moving too fast. I had a lotof outside pressures at the time together with the menopause. I ended the relationship and he was heartbroken.
we remained friends as much as possible but after a couple of months he started an affair with a married woman. He told me he was in love with her. I was distraught, they say you don't know what you had til it's gone and that was certainly the case here.
I took a few steps back and tried to get on with my life, including other dates, but my heart wasn't in them.
He still sees this lady who is supposed to be leaving her husband for him. This is nearly 2 years later and nothing has happened about them being together on a permanent basis.
A couple of months ago she went on holiday with her family for two weeks and in that time Mr X and got together and had a wonderful time. On her return I moved back again and said that I wouldn't be second best. He said he hoped that she came back and ended their affair but he wasn't long in rekindling the affair on her return.
Throughout the last 2 years we have remained the best friends ever.
There are a lot more indications that he still has feelings for me and he knows how I feel about him.
My friends say we are good together and that they cannot see this lady leaving her husband.
Is there a chance for us or will we always be "just friends" ?

KansasTherapist : Hello



KansasTherapist : From the story you tell about recent events, it seems your friend has made his choice. After spending time away from his girlfriend and spending that time with you, he has gone back to the other relationship. The fact that she's married, and unlikely after two years to end her marriage, doesn't seem to be a deciding factor for him.

as I thought, so nothing more to do other than remain friends, if I can still handle it


KansasTherapist : That's what I would say.

Am i being hopeful in thinking that, even if the affair ended, he would come back to me. And if that happened, I would feel like 2nd best. Is there any point in speaking to him about it more?


KansasTherapist : It's hard to say whether he would come back to you or not if the affair ended given that he was so heartbroken when you broke it off before. I think a better question is, do you want to be with a man who is comfortable in a long affair with a married woman. That speaks to a questionable sense of right and wrong.

Point taken, I guess I'm relating back to how it was when we were together the first time. That time was recaptured in the 2 weeks we spent together. by both of us (by his own admission). Do you think this situation is suiting him a bit too much, in as much as he has a good part of both of us? Can I make an ultimatum and still remain friends with him?



Is he afraid of further commitment with either of us?


KansasTherapist : The distance he has in the affair, not living with someone and seeing them when it works out, may be something he's come to like about that relationship. He also, likely enjoys being friends with you and may be thinking if he can have more of you, also as is needed basis, that would be fine for him. Obviously, that would not be satisfying to you. It seems to me you gave this man a golden opportunity to return to the relationship you once had, and he let it pass. I don't think he's going to change his mind.

Ok, not the answer I wanted but it was the answer I expected. Guess I just needed to hear it from somebody objective. Thanks for your time and help.

KansasTherapist : You're completely welcome.
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