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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3442
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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For coachjenk only: Hi there I know its been awhile but I

This answer was rated:

For coachjenk only:
Hi there I know it's been awhile but I could use some advice about the situation with my ex.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

i will be in my office in about 2 hours or less. i hope you cab wait for me.

CoachJenK :

I will come bck to the chat then.



Customer: Ok
CoachJenK :

See you in bit and thanks.

CoachJenK :

I am here. so sorry I wasn't in my office when you first wrote.


Customer: I just got a message that you were online...are you back?
CoachJenK :

Yes. i am here. How are you and how are things?


CoachJenK :

Are you here?


Customer: Well I have been going back and forth with wanting to be back with my ex for sometime now...I have talked with you a lot about it...and it has been very repetitive! :( well the last time we talked I did not want to be with my ex...I found out he was talking with another girl while telling me that he loves me. I was furious and swore him off...well the last few weeks I have been talking with my ex and I have been remaining very cool and calm...we haven't been hanging out as much but we talk every night! I am usually the one that calls...he is always sweet to me and still calls me pet names...I find that when I go away for a while and play it chill he seems to come back a little stronger. I know he loves me...and he is not always drunk when he tells me so. But this other girl is very aggressive and texting him sometimes 5 times before he answers! I have heard from his friend that it is annoying him and he even calls her crazy! He hasn't brought her around anyone but he texts back and forth with her...I fell she is a friend with benefit! He doesn't care if he hurts her...according to a friend of my ex! He doesn't call or text her first she always initiates and he replies after he has gotten a few texts...I have seen some of the texts and this girl is gross...very sexual texts! Her texts even appalled a guy friend of mine...I have asked him if he has a GF an he got defensive and said no! They haven't been talking much the past week but just recently started again...what should I do? Do I text him like crazy or just give him space?
Customer: I know it's long but I have to explain :)
Customer: Oh and I am good :)
CoachJenK :

Yowza. sounds like more of the same to me and I truly don't see a great outcome here.


CoachJenK :

I call it as I see it and i think you appreciate that in me.


Customer: I do love my ex very much!!! But I feel I may have made a mistake this past weekend...I got drunk and drunk dialed him a bunch! :/ he answered me the first time but I said something that made him mad and then he ignored me until an hour later but by that time I wa asleep! I called him the next day to apologize and he said "it's ok sweetheart"...know this is happening...he's talking to the other girl again! Who is crazy...she degrades him when he doesn't reply and then the next day asks if he wants to have sex...don't know if he does or not...he won't admit to anything but I haven't really asked
CoachJenK :

Not good....any of it!


Customer: So I should just give up?
CoachJenK :

This is a guy who has not treated you well and still doesn't/


CoachJenK :

I think its a bad cycle you are are not going to make him any different. If it were me, i would be moving on and i know how painful and how much you love him.


Customer: I can see how u would say that but I still love him! I can not just move heart still belongs to him
CoachJenK :

I know you do and I support you in whatever you choose, i just don't see this being an easy road for you.


Customer: Yeah I have been really good and very comfortable with the situation until...I called him when I was drunk! I know feel like I am trying to grasp onto him...I have become very clingy! I don't like feeling that way!!!
CoachJenK :

it is a dynamic that truly hurts you.


Customer: I feel like he is slipping away...and this other girl is going to swoop in and take over...even though I feel that my ex is very ashamed of her
CoachJenK :

It is not about this other girl...there were tremendous difficulties before she entered in the picture.


Customer: Yeah...well I asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner tonight and he said he had plans already with his His buddy... So I told him to call me when he gets done at his buddies place and He hasnt replied to my I guess I just wait and see if he calls tonight! It is very hard for me not to call him...that is why I put it in his hands!!! Think he'll call?
CoachJenK :

I dont know if he will or not, but I can only follow my gut here and none of what you are saying to me leads me to believe there will be a healthy relationship.


CoachJenK :

i hear all of how you feel....i really do and I wish i could say otherwise.


Customer: Yeah I know it's not about her! My counselor suggests that this girl is just sec and doesn't offer him any emotional support...and that he is a lost soul...which my ex has said as well
CoachJenK :

My goal is always for you to feel your best.


CoachJenK :

and this man doesnt do worry, you guess, you wonder. that is not a healthy way of relating.


Customer: I know...before I drunk dialed I was so cool and confident! I didn't care if my ex was hanging with someone else!!! But now I feel so anxious about it...almost in a panic
CoachJenK :

that is not how a relationship should be or how you should feel when being connected to another. the fact that you feel those things gives you insight into how you will most likely feel all the time.


Customer: I always want to pick up the phone and call or text him...just to see of he responds! It's a vicious cycle...right now I just want to send him a smile...doesn't mean anything but to see if he replies...I feel so pathetic!!! I am stronger than this
CoachJenK :

he hasnt responded to your

last text....

Customer: No... I told him to call me when he gets done at his friends tonight!
Customer: Ok so he just replied...'ok'
CoachJenK :

This is what you wrote above. "He hasnt replied to my text"


CoachJenK :

so I think you need to take a step back and let him come to you. this is not healthy for you to continue this cycle.


Customer: And in some stupid way I feel relieved by that I crazy? It wasn't even anything 'ok' doesn't mean he will actually do it
CoachJenK :

no it does not.


CoachJenK :

my focus is on you and not him.


CoachJenK :

and your focus should be the same.


Customer: Yeah...he just replied as I was typing!
CoachJenK :



Customer: i was last week! I do not know what happened...I need to get out there and meet some new people...go on dates and get him off my mind and hopefully out of my heart...I know that is mean but if he is suppose to be with me his actions need to change! He constantly tells me how amazing I am and they he 'f*#ked up' by dumping me!! I need to go away...I have always been there for him...he's never seen me with anyone else! I knew that I loved him when I saw him with someone else and was still happy for him :)... In a way my ex needs to know what he will be losing...cuz right now he still has me!
CoachJenK :

its all up to you what you want for yourself and believe you deserve. period end of story.


Customer: I know...I still want him! But I also want to be treated like the amazing treasure I am :)
CoachJenK :

then seek that out and demand it!


Customer: I love him and his family so much! I mean my pic is still on The wall at his parents! They love me too...I hung out with his sister the other night and her was so great! I even went to the farmers market with his mom and sis the other weekend...I asked him if that was ok and he said it was fine!! He wasn't scared of gettin questions about why I was hating out with his mom and family...that means something to me!
Customer: *hanging out
CoachJenK :

well keep me posted. follow your heart.


Customer: I know...I will my heart is telling me my ex is it! I know I might sound crazy but I have gone back and forth with this all for months and it keeps coming back to him :) the heart wants what the heart wants...that's why it is so hard to go on a date with someone else
CoachJenK :

time will tell how it plays out and i will be interested to hear how it goes.


Customer: Yeah...for now I need to go back to being cool and collected...just like always :). And I need to get back to focusing on me...if he calls tonight he calls if he doesn't oh we'll ..but I promise I will not call him out of panic...I'm done with that :)
CoachJenK :

excellent. That is what I want to hear. now get out there and do something for you right now.


Customer: K...thanks coach jen
CoachJenK :

my pleasure as always. come back and let me know how YOU are doing.


Customer: I feel much better
Customer: Will do! :)
CoachJenK :

talk soon. Please take a moment again to offer a rating of my work.


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