Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 15 months, though

she has been living abroad...
Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 15 months, though she has been living abroad for half of that time and we have been doing long distance. My plan is to relocate to be with her. But there are a couple of road blocks...

She has an ex-boyfriend; a childhood friend who cheated on her for 6 months and tried to get back together with her last new years when she was dating me and he had his own girlfriend. I don't feel comfortable moving abroad to be with her if her ex is keeping in contact and I am paranoid he will try and take her away. I fully trust my girlfriend and love her and I know she would not leave me for him (I am 100% sure of that), but I hated hearing from her about he tried to kiss her after I had warned her it would happen, and I don't want that feeling to come up every time she hears from him. I don't want to be thinking all the time that this guy is trying to take her away. If she can forget her past, which would have been hard for her, I should be able to move on as well but I just can't seem to shake my feelings.

On top of this, her family including herself are mormon, which I am not. She has kind of strayed from her religion a bit but most of her family are very religious. Our plan is to move in together when I move, but this is highly against her religion as moving in before marriage is against mormon rules. She also would not be able to be married in the mormon temple if we get married one day, which her parents really want for her. Her parents, especially her mother, will be extremely negative towards me as well as her as a result of us moving in together. My girlfriend and I know that it will be very hard to be constantly told that we are doing wrong against her religion and that I will be her rock as her parents will try and force us apart, even more so then they have been already. I am not looking forward to having in-laws that hate me for the rest of my life. So not only will I be trying to reassure my girlfriend that we have nothing to worry about and all we need is each other, I will be under constant threat from her family as well as feelings of paranoia about her ex that I wish the feelings would just go away.

I am quite happy and everything is going well for me at the moment where I am living. However, we love each other so much and I really want to be with her, but we have just been talking about the road blocks mentioned above. I would rather relocate to be with her than stay here, but I will be leaving the good things I have where I live right now (life-long friends, family, job etc) to be with the love of my life, being constantly paranoid about her ex keeping in contact with her and her family not being accepting of the way we want to be. Thoughts???
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 28 minutes by:
10/3/2012
Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,386
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Verified
I am sorry about these roadblocks that are in front of you. I think you are very intelligent to consider these issues instead of jumping into things blindly even though you love her so much. This is very good.

About the ex boyfriend I think this is something easier to fix. It you trust your girlfriend and you are sure that she does not want to be with him then this is all that matters. If he continues to bother and harass then you and your girlfriend can let him know that you do not want him coming around anymore and if he continues you will contact authorities.

However, the religion is a bigger long term issue. If you know how her family feels then you need to think about if you would be able to handle this or not. Ask yourself how important is having your girlfriends family to you. Is it major or are you happy with just her even if they are negative.

If this is a big issue and you would like a good healthy family relationship for your future then you may want to think about how important she is to you and if she is enough for you to not have the family relationship in the future even if you have children.

I would also have a deep conversation with your girlfriend because religion plays a big part in a relationship. Some issues may not have come up between the two of you yet, but doesn't mean they won't. For example if you plan to have children one day how will the two of you raise them in which religion. Little minor disagreements I can certainly understand, but major differences that affect how people live is definitely something to consider.

You may also want to consider if you truly want to leave your family, friends, school and etc to move to a new land to be with her or is it better to just let her go. I would weigh all the pros and cons of the situation then go from there.

I wish you the best with this and hope it all works out.
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Thanks very much.


 


With the ex-bf thing, its just that I feel like he has ulterior motives in wanting to stay friends with her. She would tell me if he got out of line again, but the fact that he tried making a move on her the first time while we were dating and after he had already screwed things up with her makes me despise him, but she wants to still be friends him, which she knows upsets me. Want to shake the feelings I have and move on. I'm guessing I just swallow my paranoia and hope for the best?

And yeah we have had a talk about that sort of stuff, not too intensely though. Like I am happy with my kids being raised mormon if we have kids, but yeah its the having in-laws that don't approve of me thing that is the bad part. And I'm unsure if that will have a negative impact on the kids possibly seeing their dislike for me and possibly my reluctance to go and see them if they do disapprove of me. It could make the kids think that their dad doesn't want to see their grandparents and could give them a bias point of view. Any thoughts on that?


 


Its quite hard and don't know what to do. Your advice has been helpful.

I
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Was there a mistake? Your reply is 'I'
I apologize for that. I had technical issues before.

I do agree with you about your future children seeing that type of relationship and thinking it is normal could be a problem. You have very good insight to this and agree with you. It can cause them some confusion and difficulties, but I wouldn't say as much as when two parents can not agree. For example if you were against mormon all together, but since you do not mind then that shouldn't be an issue. However, if you do not practice the religion they can question that as well as think they may not need to as well.

About the ex if she wants to remain friends with him then that is a whole other issue. If he is a negative influence on your relationship with her maybe you can try talking with her to see your point of view. Ultimately she would need to be the one to either keep or stop the friendship.

I would weigh these things out with the positive and see which is more important to you. Plus there is nothing wrong with taking some time to think. If you are not sure then there is no need to rush into moving until you are sure that you are ready.
Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,386
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Verified
Jen Helant and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question
Jen Helant
Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,386
1,386 Satisfied Customers
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.

Jen Helant is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,720 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

338 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting with another guy while I was talking to my current boyfriend. I never told him and tried to hide it. Now he knows and is questioning my trust… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little
Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little of each? Im an insecure anxious attachment type for sure.... i always need reassurance and stuff from my gf... my gf in the beginning was alr… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
We are not dating but I've known him for 15 years, we met at
We are not dating but I've known him for 15 years, we met at work I thought he was good looking we hit it off as friends. He had me staying over his place a lot, then I found out he was gay/bi I start… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My question is about a possible beginning to a relationship.
Hello this is Brian, my question is about a possible beginning to a relationship … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Is it normal for your boyfriend to constantly have his ex
Is it normal for your boyfriend to constantly have his ex girlfriend come over to visit even though you tell him to it really bothers you… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have
My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have chirldren with a previous partner and we still keep the family house and gather. But my family has not accepted my new partner 'although she is ever… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Boyfriend of 1 year newly divorced from unhappy 30+year
Boyfriend of 1 year newly divorced from long unhappy 30+year marriage told me he keeps thinking bout old girlfriend and how he has always wondered about her and how/where she is. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated
Hi. A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated very casually before he moved about 1 ½ years ago to California from Ohio & since then we really didn't stay in touch. So I was a bit s… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My wife goes to a high-end restaurant bar / restaurant on a
My wife goes to a high-end restaurant bar / restaurant on a Sunday for brunch, She start 3 hours and gets rather trashed with her alcoholic Mother of which we do not like each other. Keep in mind that… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Not sure how to move on from this if he cant trust me. Ok,
not sure how to move on from this if he cant trust me. Ok, My boyfriend and I and my two teenage daughters live together. I gave him the consent to record my daughter because we were trying to catch h… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I've never been in a real relationship and it just seems
I've never been in a real relationship and it just seems like I can't get any woman to like me or want to date me. I want to know how I can approach women and get dates? I'm really all about chivalry … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I have a problem i need an advice I met a man after really
Hello , i have a problem i need an advice I met a man after really hard time of separation with my husband . This man is separated too but he still in contact with his wife because of the kids ..any h… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I would like to know something. My wife of 35 yrs received a
my wife of 35 yrs received a very intimate necklace fro m anoth er women and she told her she was drawing inspiration from her just by wearing it what does that mean … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Mine is a pretty tricky but story. So I met this guy on
Hi Debra, Mine is a pretty tricky but long story. So I met this guy on Tinder, he was lovely. Our first date was amazing... we spoke for three weeks 24/7 before actually meeting up. There was an insta… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I have trouble getting along with my husband. We has mood
I have trouble getting along with my husband. We has mood swings. He is about to start a new job at a branch of Verizon (used to work at another branch) so we were talking in the car and he said he ha… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I fought over him maybe talking to his ex,
My boyfriend and I fought over him maybe talking to his ex, I kept texting him till he said leave me alone and then broke up with me.. can I get him back … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 months and I love
me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 months and I love him dearly, well on Tuesday something happened when I was texting one of my guy friends I didn't physically cheat on him, and there was no … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have a new man in my life I have been dating for about 6
Jen, I have a new man in my life I have been dating for about 6 weeks. We see each other twice a week. He deeply cares for me and loves me. I also have love for him. I struggle with his immaturity. So… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x