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Ask Dr. Tiye Your Own Question
Dr. Tiye
Dr. Tiye, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 46
Experience:  As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted couples therapy and led relationship groups.
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Is it right to keep going out with someone when you dont feel

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Is it right to keep going out with someone when you don't feel anything for them? It sounds harsh to me because I really like him as a person but I find it hard to feel more than that. He is clearly more into the relationship than me. I feel guilty because I have trouble feeling anything past friendship. I think it's his first relationship and he's quite insecure, which I fully acknowledge and understand but I don't want to string him along. It's is clearly my issue but it hasn't been that long in the relationship and I don't know if I'm being too quick to end it because it's not working for me.

Dr. Tiye : Hello, if the relationship does not feel right to you and you can't naturally invest in the relationship without trying hard, this is likely not the right relationship for you. The relationship that is truly for you will flow without a lot of effort and hard work to exist within it. While all relationships require work, the work soil not be in trying to feel something for him. That should be the easy part. Although I know that you don't want to hurt him, it will be much more painful later as he continues to fall for you and you continue to try to feel the same way, all the while possibly missing out on the relationship that is a better love fit for you.

We've known each other for months and have been flirting for that long as well, we've only been in a relationship for two weeks though, am I being too hasty to end things?

Dr. Tiye : I don't think so. Although flirting and hanging out is fun and easy, being in a committed relationship is totally different and it takes a lot of time and energy. If you are simply not into him, that time and energy can bee better directed.
Dr. Tiye : Both of you will end up missing out.

It's really hard to sort out what I actually feel about the relationship and him. It's so frustrating when I'm so determined and know exactly what I want in any other aspect of my life. Sleeping together would make it worse right? He'll think we're going forward and he'll be moving further away from where I am right now. I've never felt anything in sex, to the point where it's not even a means to and end.

Dr. Tiye : It is a sign of maturity and wisdom to recognize when something is not working for you. It's a sign of integrity, strength, and compassion to do something about it, even when it's hard.
Dr. Tiye : You want to like him as more than a friend but that is not what your heart is allowing you to do.
Dr. Tiye : Yes, sleeping with him is sending a message that you are into him and you simply are not.
Dr. Tiye : Matters of the heart are often much harder to figure out than other aspects in life. Career, family, friends, school often don't require the emotional energy that romantic relationships do.
Dr. Tiye : You have figured this out though
Dr. Tiye : it's just hard because you don't want to hurt him and you're a little anxious about what
Dr. Tiye : Else is out there for you in terms of relationships.

Just finding a way to say what I'm actually thinking and feeling is exhausting. When it comes to relationships I change my mind every day, sometimes more than twice a day. Some days I'm all for it, but then something makes me doubt myself and then I tell myself that I'm being ridiculous and not giving it a chance.

Dr. Tiye : You have to go with your gut. When you've found the guy who you want to be more than friends with, you'll know. You're exhausted because you are trying to hard to make things work that simply are not right for you.

Thanks. It really helped.

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