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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I'm 20. I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now.

Customer Question

I'm 20. I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. I'm confident in our relationship. I really do love her like I've never loved another girl before. I was a virgin before we met, but she wasn't. I was always scared to ask about it, but it came up last night. She told me honestly about it, and the person who took her virginity is a guy I don't particularly like too much. They only did it once, and she told me it was weird and didn't mean anything, and I know I'm making too big a deal of this...but I just can't stop thinking about it. We talked, and I tried to tell her how I felt, but it still makes me upset. Do you have any advice for me, to help me move past this without hurting her? Thank you.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 5 years ago.
I understand how you feel right now, but I want you to know that it will get better. Since she took your virginity it is normal for you to be more sensitive in this aspect since you want so much for yourself to be her first. What makes matters worse is that it happened with someone you do not like.
Thinking about it is a normal reaction. It can replay over in your head again and again. This is due to not only because you wanted to be her first and do not like the guy, but also because in general you do not want to imagine her with someone else. This is why it hurts you, but you understand that you can not take this out on her and this is very smart.
Even though it seems like you will never be able to forget and get over this you can. It just may take a little work on your part. The best thing to do is when the thought comes into your mind ignore it and replace it with a positive thought. Remind yourself that she is with you now and she wants to be with you. She had the chance to be with him and she did not want to. It happened once and meant nothing.
Think that you do not want to waste your time thinking of this instead of enjoying her. Spend your time together with her having a good time and your free time being active doing positive things. Thinking of what happened and her past is in the past, so do not let it take away from your present and future.
I am glad you are at peace with her. This shows maturity and insight toward the situation. You can overcome this. It all starts in our mind. Continue to replace the thoughts with positive thoughts of you and her. As you continue to do this and as you continue to grow your relationship deeper with her this incident will be a thing of the past and not a thought in your mind. I guarantee it!
Just be patient. Do the positive thinking and give it time. Focus on your relationship with her and getting to know her better and better. As you communicate and spend time getting to know each other your relationship will strengthen as well.
I wish you the best and please let me know if I can be of further help.