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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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i moved out because i dsccovered he was seeing someone else

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i moved out because i dsccovered he was seeing someone else after 13 years. I still have most of my stuff there. I wanted a second chance. he wont talk to me. shoukd i give it time or get my stuff i worked all the time and that bothered him. the woman he is with is opposite of me. i love and miss him
It really is up to you if you want to give it time to see if he comes around or take your stuff. It seems like you are in a way blaming yourself because you worked a lot and you are asking him for a second chance, but truthfully he should be asking you for a second chance.

He is the one that was with someone else after 13 years. He should have spoke to you about the problems and if the two of you could not make it work then he should have ended the relationship with you if he wanted to see someone else. Even though you may feel it was your fault. It does take two in a relationship and he is the one that saw someone behind your back, so indeed he should be asking you for a second chance.

It is really tough for us to determine how serious he is about this and if this with the other women is just a phase. If you really want to try and make it work. You may want to have a heart to heart conversation letting him know how you feel about him and what you would like as well as things you feel you can change and see what his reaction is. Based on this you can then see how serious he is about this break up. If it does not work out how you want you can then decide to give it time if you do I would give about a month then see the status. At that point if there is still nothing then it may be time to move on. However, if you truly love him you may want to consider all your options before getting your stuff.

In either case you also may want to consider if he is someone you would want to be with and if you would even be able to trust him again.

I wish you the best and if you need further help we can continue.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

he does not want talk to me, i think from guilt. i also think it maybe a midlife crisis i realize what he did was wrong but men do stupid things when they do not get attention. and this woman is very aggressive. he was the strong force holding us together foe so long. it seems so serreal that this happened. i was consumed with work and helping my son who is an addict, rehab is only part of it so i was constantly spending time with him. he is a wonderful man, i just regret that i let him get so vulnerable. I did stop by unwanted and ask for a second chance but he would only give me minutes and won't talk with me. it is like i am poison. he said he cannot get confused. i just do not know what to do

Thanks for explaining. I am so sorry. I understand what you mean about the reasons. It does make sense, but you can't punish yourself forever. Regardless of what happened you will need to live with the consequences, but you should not let yourself live with the guilt. Use it as a learning experience to be better for yourself and possibly a new person in the future.

I am sorry to hear about your son, but at least you were spending time on something important. I believe everything happens for a reason. Who knows what if you did not spend as much time with your son and your son could have been worse off and maybe your ex could have done this anyway for a different reason. So you never know that is why can't dwell on it.

If you do think he is going through a midlife crisis then maybe you would want to wait a little, but that is completely up to you. You don't want to wait too long and loose your chance for someone else. Maybe you can try writing him a letter explaining the situation and how you can be different, how you understand why he did what he did, and how you realize your mistakes and want to make it work. Let him know your feelings for him and how you see he is a good man and go from there. This may be best since he doesn't want to talk. It can be a letter or even an email.

About a month would be good to see which direction things are going to see if you should work on moving on or getting back together. In the mean time try to stay busy. Take time to do things for yourself that you haven't gotten to do. Even take up a new hobby or some healthy activities. This will help you take your mind off him while also doing positive things.

Also, try to keep your mind positive. When we replace negative thoughts with positive we train ourselves to also behave positive and be happier. It takes practice, but can be done.

I would also suggest counseling since that can help you work things out if you both end up going back as well as help you move on if that is the direction things take.
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