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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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how do i act around my ex who once raped me when we were married

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how do i act around my ex who once raped me when we were married now that i have remarried and all of my our children are grown when i see him?
Is there any reason you still need to see him?
Did you ever report it to the police?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

No I did not report him the only person that told is my husband. the reason that I did not tell any one is that I though that I still loved him for several years after the divorce we divorce because he was seeing an 18 year old that worked for him I was 29 years old at this time he is married to her now. I am now a young 67 and I been with my new husband for 21 years and love him very much. He said that I still have a problem with him and that he likes to control me (he has always been very controlling person) and he knows how to pull my string. I have always though that I was a strong person but now I thank that my husband may be right . The reason that I see him now Is that we are often at our children's house for birthdays and holidays. I need to know how should I handle this problem because my husband said that he will no longer will go anywhere that he is around and what should I tell my children.

Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry that this happened to you. Sometimes people do wrong to us and at the time we do not realize the extent of it. We then continue on as everything is normal. This doesn't need to be the case.

If your husband is saying this it is because he sees from the outside. I would listen to his points as you are and see if he has any ideas. If he is saying that you sound like a school girl it could be that you may feel a little inferior since he is controlling or maybe you want his approval subconsciously and act in that way. You can change. The best way to be when you are with him is act serious, don't speak to him in a friendly type of matter, just pay attention to your family and children.
If you feel that you need closure you can let him know that you are not happy with what he did to you and you rather not have conversation with him. It is not too late to report it if you feel you want to go this route.

I am guessing you want to just keep the peace for everyone and your children, but I would suggest analyzing this to see if this is the best thing for you. If you husband is saying he no longer wants to go to gatherings I would try talking to him letting him know you want to change and if he can support you and continue to be with you since you prefer to be together as a family.

I would strongly suggest you seek counseling for what happened to you. There may be a lot of underlying issues that you may or may not be aware of due to this and it can help you look withing for healing.

I truly wish you the best!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I forget to tell you that the rape happen after I asked him for a divorce and I had my last as a result of it .

Thank you for sharing that. I would encourage you to seek legal advice. It is never too late to seek justice. Its like a child that was molested and no one did anything. Sometimes there afraid or do not know or think there are recourses. Then when the child is 30 they seek justice. It is never too late and is clearly bothering you or it would not be an issue at all now. I want to encourage you to think about this as well as to seek counseling.