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SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for what would

Customer Question

I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for what would have been 3 years today. In the beginning, he chased me and I wasn't really interested because he was an officer (don't like to have to worry about my men all the time) and because he was from my part of town (everyone knows everyone). So he whisked me away to florida very early in the relationship and i met his dad (whom he just recently started speaking to) and little brother. At this point I was still hesitant maybe at this point for other reasons (ie he searched through my cell phone in the middle of the night one night & i when i confronted him he denied it and eventually admitted it and said he jus has trust issues since his ex whom he wanted to marry cheated on him). Long story short, I ended up giving in and giving him a chance, we had ups and downs but in end I started questioning about marriage and he said that he wanted to live together first but that I made it clear that I didn't want to. Eventually he said he feels like the relationship isn't progressing, he started hanging out more with his friends or family and going to the gym a lot. And even tho i pushed to party with him he insisted on "i never party with my gf's cuz i don't like guys pullin on them, etc etc" which may have been true since i think he may have been possessive. anyways, i didn't mention any of the good stuff cuz right now i guess it doesn't matter. We broke up the weekend of his bday because i got tired of being neglected and took my stuff out of his place and left his keys. The next day he was angry and said we should break up. I've been having a really difficult time dealing with this whole thing, he did initiate contact immediately after to make sure i got home safe and then he said goodnight. At the time I cried and asked for another chance which of course i know regret, but he said "i love you but it was not working." his last words also were "i'm still here. its not like i'm cutting you off, we can be friends." he also cried after i was crying guess cuz he felt bad. i don't know. i just feel terrible though, my self esteem is shot and i feel like i've jus wasted lots of time that i don't have (i'm 32 yo f). but i do find myself wanting him back but i'm not sure if i jus want him to want me back or if i really want him back. last time we spoke was through text on september 15th at which i contacted him saying jus thought of him , how r things. his response was that he's good, jus at work. so maybe thats why he hasn't contacted me since.. i guess i gave him the power once again. so confused, can you help me?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for sharing.
I would like to help and i am sorry this happened to you. Can you please tell me a little more why he feels it wasn't progressing? Was it just the differe
nces with marriage and living together or more than that?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

To be honest, when he told me that earlier this year I was shocked .. It really hurt my feelings cuz i was thinking it has been 3 years how can you say that? so i assume he meant in terms of us not moving forward living together which i didn't want to do but he claims he wanted to do when the relationship was in a good place. he started giving me the cold shoulder sometime last year i feel after we got in a huge argument because i compared him to my ex with regards ***** ***** not giving me any police cards because i was hurt - i overheard he had them and was giving them to his uncle and family, etc. but not to me so he was of course pissed cuz i compared him which i should have never did and apologized for but i think thats when things went even more downhill for us. but even before this incident we did argue a lot.. i just felt like he wasn't putting much effort into the relationship. i was always tryin to plan thing and he seemed satisfifed with pickin me up after work at 11pm and jus goin to his place to watch movies,etc. he started hanging out with his friends and sisters from jamaica who he hasn't seen in forever a lot (which makes me think bad timing for me cuz they have never lived up here and now they r here and it ended up being a strain on our relationship) in any case, this last year was bad, he started askin why i never initiated sex but when i tried he would reject me. it was confusing. i don't know when he stopped loving me.. i jus keep holding on to his answer of will we ever get back together and him saying "i won't say never ..." i don't know. i think i was codependent on him for my happiness and that can be hard/too much pressure for anyone. but he also didn't make me feel secure.. ex. at one point when we were away in dc he said something along the lines of the girls at the party look just as good as me.. idk. i jus think he was tryin to bring me down and not lift me up. maybe thats too much info, but jus wanted to try and tell u everything. oh! he also owes me $1,000.00 ... when should i ask for that? maybe that didn't help the relationship either, the fact that i make twice what he makes. although he will b making as much as me next year

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Other.
never got an answer
Expert:  SLREED replied 4 years ago.
Hello, I am sorry that this has happened to you. I am going to try to give you realistic advice to assist you in this situations. First, I would like to say that I think that it is best to let this situation go. I know that this is not what you want to hear, but it may be best.
You two have been together for three years. From my experience a man is not going to put those years down the drain unless completely he was sure that he was going to break up with you and that the relationship was over. He has not offered to get back with you but instead to just be your friend. He has neglected you over and over again, even though you told him that certain things bothered you. He began to act single, before you two were even broken up.
What I can say is that if someone does not want to be with you. You really cannot force them to be with you. I think that it would be a waste of time to try to pursue this relationship. As far as the $1,000. You can asked for it back if you really need to. But honestly, I would just let it go if you can. By continually engaging with him, it is going to make you look bitter and cause unnecessary arguments and stress to your already stressful situation.
Sometimes by letting things go, having strength and acting the opposite way that a man expects you to act during the break up may cause him to be attracted to you again. So do not focus so much attention on him.
If anything. The true test of weather he wants to get back with you or not. Is to allow him to miss you. Do not answer his calls, call him, text him or least for 30 days. During this time you can tell that he will want you back, if he is begging to get back with you or suggesting that you two get back together then you may have a chance to have him back. If he is not calling you, or could care less or still suggesting that he is just checking on you or wants to be your friend then I think you have your answer where your relationship stands, he does not want to rekindle things.
I want to end by saying that if a man wanted to really marry you then he would. If a man wanted to be with you, you would not have to chase him down and remind him of what he lost. He would want to be with you no matter what. He would want to work things out no matter what. So do not waste your time on someone who is not as committed as you. Get out and again and date and start to enjoy the single life. Do no waste your time or energy concentrating on his, because he is out and about with his friends and he is not thinking about you. So why give him the satisfaction of thinking about him.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.

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