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SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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Subliminal messages from my boyfriend. I am dating this

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Subliminal messages from my boyfriend.

I am dating this man for over a year, there was a romance, good times and he told me about his feelings for me several times in different ways. He is going through a difficult time, work and finances, a very difficult situation which he tried to hide from to some extent. I knew that things were not at the best, XXXXX XXXXX know till a day ago that he is hitting a bottom... The last 3 months our relationship was on downward, he was depressed and didn't communicate well with me, was not clear what was going on, every other day he would contact me only briefly via text, etc. He distant himself, not romantic as before not expressive and so on. After month a half of turmoil I announced a breakup
he apologized, told me he likes me a lot and asked me to continue. We spent a few days over th elabor weekend, all was good, and after that he distant himself again, stayed in touch daily, but not saying a lot, just - very busy, working hard, and not much else just general conversation. I distant myself and gave him all space he needs, and actually asked to stop contacting me, since I read his actions as lack of interest in me (he forgot my BD, e.g.), so I can move on. He was silent for a couple or a few days and then again contact me saying that misses his friend.
We met a day ago, and that when I learned that he is in trouble. He is an artist in NYC and economy is not great, and sure this is the first time he is going hrough the similar period, though I know he was better before since I know him for about 2 years.
We spent all day and he was attentive, but a lot of his thoughts lead to money topic, his finances. What am I dealing with here? Has the'love' been impaired by difficulties or perhaps we didn't have it to begin with? I didn't want to ask him these questions as I know when one faces life adversities there no room for romance and relationship. I want to be supportive but at the time I should sucrifice my well being and future by spending my time with this man. I am torn
I must say that I am impressed with the way that you have handle the situation. I understand that it was hard for you to break up with him, but you understood that it was best in this situations.

As for your question, I think that you were in love. You can love someone but that does not mean that it is okay for you to be with them. From what you have said, this guy has a lot of things that he needs to sort out. It does not mean that he is a bad person, it just means that he is not ready for a relationship.

He cannot even maintain himself let alone being in a relationship at this time. If I were you, I would not feel bad about that. It is not being selfish, it only means that you are not going to let him drag you down with him. You can be there for him as a friend, but make sure that he knows that you are just his friends and nothing more. Also set limits, do not let him take up all your time with the stuff that he has going on. You can be supportive and still date other people and get on with your life. I would just make that clear to him.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

My thinking is moving forward is stay barely in touch with him, only see how he is doing and not completely disappear. He doesn't burden me with his problem at all, he alctually hided from me the depth ofthose problems untill recently. If he texts or calls it is to talk to find how things are going. The problem is he texts me everyday, and he probably will call me often too, he used call me everyday.2 weeks ago I asked him not to contact me (and Id idn't know again the depth of his problems) so I can move and meet the right man... he waited for a couple of days at th emost and contacted me again saying that he misses me, and want to say hello. When he found out that I will be in the city he could not imagine that we would not meet for at least a brunch or else. So, it is difficult situation, I feel lik ehe wants me be there for him and wait for better times... He said a day ago , he understands where I am coming from regardinghim not being very affectionate lately or romantic and so on, but he needs to focus on his situation and he is a bit frustrated. I feel so bad for him but atthe same time I do not want dragd in...

He understands that he is not giving me what I want and I understand that even if trully loves me he is probably not capable at this time of focusing on love and relationship and sure if it would change. What would be your assessment of this situation and advice?

I think that if you do not want to be involved with him then this is a good choice. He may not burden you with his problems directly, but the calling a lot (before you told him not to) and attaching himself to you, is a sign of his problems. No, he is not talking about his problems per se, but he is attaching himself to you, to the point that it is bothering you. Its like he knows he cannot be in a relationship with you right now, but he is still trying to keep you in his life.

Do not feel bad for wanting to move on with your life, it is your life and you only get one. You deserve to be happy. Just like his life is his life. He is the only one responsible for his life and getting himself out of this rutt that he is in. Not you. I do not feel like you should wait for him to get better. This may takes years, it may be never.

It is okay to feel bad for him. But it is also okay to be selfish and do what you think is the right thing for you. Only you know whats best for your life, it sounds like you know what you want to do in regards XXXXX XXXXX guy. So just do it, and don't feel bad.
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