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SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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Please help, I cant recover from my live in boyfriends aff

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Please help, I cant recover from my live in boyfriends affair.  We have been together for over a year and a half and both have children from previous marriages.  I found out after catching and cornering my boyfriend that he has engaged in a 4 week affair with his exwife.  I am fully aware that neither my boyfriend or his exwife wants to be together but I think they were both needing attention in some way.  He is now begging to be forgiven and promises to never stray again but I am having such a hard time putting this behind us.  I love him so very much and I want to move forward and share our future together but how am I able to not resent him?  Should I assume that since he had done this once that he will continue?  His exwife hates me so I am positive she will pursue him again if nothing more than to attempt to ruin our relationship.  This hurts so terribly and so deeply and just wish to turn back time so my boyfriend wouldnt have been so stupid and weak.  Problem is just getting worse for me because everytime I close my eyes all I do is think of his deception and the two of them together.  Is this worth saving after a year and a half or do I walk away?

The only person that can really determine if you want to save the relationship is you. However, I will try to put things into perspective for you so you can make the right decision.

First I will say that just because a person cheats, that does not always mean that he may do it again. The main thing that it comes to when trying to save your relationship, is whether you trust him or not. And weather you believe him or not.

If you do not currently or think that you can ever trust them, then the relationship will not work because in your mind he is always doing something wrong, or you will resort back to the affair. One way to begin to gain trust again is that when he says that he will not do it again, you have to believe him. Now if he says that he will not do it again and then does do it again, then trust may never be regained. However, if you can try to believe him now, then that is a way to begin to regain your trust with him.

Secondly, as far as if ex wife trying to win him back. I think that this goes back to trusting him. Because regardless of what she tries to do, you should have enough trust in your boyfriend, which he is not going to cheat on you again, no matter what advances that he has from his ex-wife. That is the meaning of being able to fully trust someone again. That no matter what situation they are faced with, they will do what is in the best interest of your relationship.

If you love him and you want to move forward with him, you are going to have to forgive his affair. Because of you don’t fully forgive him. You are going to re-live it in your mind, and continue to think about what he did. When you find yourself in that place, your relationship with not move forward because you will find yourself making him pay for cheating time and time again, as oppose to moving forward in your relationship.

In short, the option is up to you. If you feel like you want to go on this relationship, you cannot continue to re-live the affair through your thoughts. You have to make a conscious decision that when these thoughts come to your head not to think about them. You have to make a decision to trust him again, until he gives you another reason not to.

If after this, you do not feel that you can trust your boyfriend again or ever forgive him of the affair, then no matter how much you try there will be no moving on from his. Because living in the affair, like you are, is allowing it to hurt you again and again, even though he is not actually having the affair. Now is the time to focus on you two, and doing things together to rebuild your relationship, and falling in love with each other again.
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