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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7621
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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there has been lies, hiding stuff and abuse in my marrige its

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there has been lies, hiding stuff and abuse in my marrige its on the verge of divorce and now he wants councelling can trust be regained
- You mention that you've tried therapy and church pastors. What was the circumstance for that, when and the outcome?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

the circumstances were we were fighting all the time, and I was being verbally abused being called whore, and anything else he could think of he was watching porn and then would use me to get off like i was a object he owned. and it got out of control one night porn was on tv he denied it was him said it didnt matter and you dont matter you crazy whore, so I took a family picture and cut him out of it and said then this doenst matter he strangled me and said im going to kill you you f**king whore 10 times then trhough me backwards after sometime into the laundry room. my 4 yr old heard it and I said we have to do something thats unacceptable so we went 7 months ago and when it was over he said it was lee bashing and we never went back. the pastor was recently cause I filed for divorce after the second time of physical abuse happend. and that went okay but he still tried to say well she did stuff and now she's denying it and the pastor told him she's denied nothing. and he wouldnt answer any question straight forward. left us to this point where its put on continuance for one last shot of therapy. which i feel is his way of trying to change me to what he wants. and have his control

--And what is it that YOU want to happen? Be honest with me. And tell me if you really don't know ok? It's alright if you don't know right now - You have been severely traumatized
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

i really dont know, i'd like to believe that he's sincere and wants to change. and I know I want to stop lying i used it as a defense mechanism to hide and try to avoid fights. I did right in the beginning of our marriage i told him everything the truth about my days who i talked to and all that. and he says ive always been this way made mistakes lied, i siad we all make mistakes but i used to tell you the truth about it all and got yelled at, called names like your stupid. the last straw for me that really sent me into the depths was him saying why dont you go get raped again by black guys, in front of my kids. and this is somehting I trusted with him. and i know I made mistakes and lying isnt good but 8 to 9 years of verbal abuse, being expected to be a 1950s housewife and do all that he wanted me to do, i never knew i was being abused until a new neighbor asked me if i was. so i like to think this is from his heart but to me i think its just another game.

- Listen, it's very important that you've had this epiphany about yourself and who you want to be as opposed to who you were. Not everyone grows like this in their lifetime; just the realization is huge! However, also importantly is that you've been a victim of abnormal and abusive behavior. You did NOT cause it. No matter what, this grown man has a choice each and every living, breathing second of his life to do the right thing or the wrong thing.

If a cashier is rude and you're having a bad day, does that entitle you to slap them or berate them? Of course not. Not ever. And polite people in polite society have control.

You have the right to expect even MORE control by a man who professes to love you. No matter what you do or say - you never, ever deserve to be treated the way you have.

What he's taught you with his reactions is that you cannot be honest with him without severe, negative consequences.

When he goes to counseling it's to be further empowered. Apparently so egotistical that he's sure professionals will agree with him and join with him to punish you. When that doesn't happen - the counselor must be wrong or have ulterior motives.

Do you have any options in living elsewhere for a while?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

my family lives out of state, I have the option to call my lawyer and tell him to refile and get another court date to fight to get him out of the house. and my thinking was the same on what his motives are about therapy. should I going into therapy find a way of getting paperwork about what really goes on here so that way when he manipulates things to look like he's the victim in all this they have some history of whats going on

I'm here - please give me a minute. My computer overheated and I need to re boot Back in a few

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

okay i have to go to bed its late and kids get up in 3 hrs just answer back when you can thanks so very much for your help its made me feel better about therapy and what i think its about good to know i am not the only one thinking that way. helps i was starting to think i could just be crazy. thank you

-- I think you know already what you have to do. You have to save your own life. Not just figuratively, but actually. I cannot repeat this enough - it doesn't matter what you've done or said, you do not deserve this treatment.

I am not condoning any of your words or actions when they were wrong, hurtful or manipulative, but you've admitted to your fault, you are sincerely XXXXX XXXXX you are taking steps to make amends. This, by itself, in the eyes of God (if you so believe) means you deserve forgiveness. All any one of us needs to do is be sincerely XXXXX XXXXX strive to never do it again - and the forgiveness is unconditional.

We owe that to ourselves as well. And to each other. And that unconditional forgiveness means that you do not bring it up again and again to hurt anyone, including yourself. Forgiven and not dwelled upon - what matters is today and the promise of tomorrow.

In this relationship you are repeating actions and outcomes over and over. You do this, he does that; you say this, he says that and the end is always the same. It's like going to a movie 100x's and expecting the ending to be different each time. It's also called the 'definition of crazy' (as in crazy acting; not that you or he is actually 'crazy').

You need time apart. YOU need time to build yourself up and heal. YOU need a counselor who will work with you about your self esteem and help teach you that it's ok to be honest (with some reserve and tact of course; there is nothing good about 'brutal' honesty). It's ok for you to be imperfect. It's ok for you to expect to be loved sincerely. That means your growth is encouraged. You are respected (porn and using confidences against you is not respect; it is the ultimate DISrespect). You should be relied upon and confident that you have someone to rely on.

Marriage should result in a 'team'. You and he against the world as one. While some squabbling in the ranks is just human, you both know beyond any hint of doubt that there will never be pain or betrayal caused by one or the other against yourselves.

You don't have this. And his reaction to you wanting to separate is his immaturity and lack of confidence worrying that without you to step on, he'll be unable to elevate himself

You don't need to step on anyone - you've come to a place where you know you can stand tall and be proud of yourself for who and what you are. And that every day you'll make strides to be even better.

This terrifies him. And it's not your problem. So stop making it your problem.

Do what you need to do to remove the cause of what has been keeping you down and free yourself to be the person you know you are

Tell him, without any judgement or lecture, that it would be a good idea if he did the same thing (his own counselor)

And if, in time, you find your way back to each other with a new understanding, new ground rules and a new direction, then it was meant to be.

If not - well, you'll be the best parents you can be, each on your own, but still parenting together and supporting each other for the best welfare of your child.


But please - take the steps that in your heart you know are the right ones for YOU.

And don't let anyone tell you you're wrong for pursuing your own happiness and survival


Rev.Dr. August Abbott and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you