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Hello, I was in a relationship chat regarding a long standing

Hello, I was in a relationship...
Hello,
I was in a relationship chat regarding a long standing problem and the counselor had to end the session due to time constraints. I have processed the need to move on and heal, but I don't know how to stop feeling victimized. I want to do something proactive in the natural world to demonstrate I am not a victim. And yes, to myself and others. 19yo Stepdaughter stopped responding to dad and me suddenly and without explanation almost one year and eight months ago. Our relationship was always good before that and we remain in shock.
Why is she doing this instead of just lying low and throwing a bone once in awhile ? We would never be the wiser. It feels like she wants some type of reaction. What type of victimless reaction could I engage in ? Everything now seems fake or freaky .
Thank you for your time.
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Answered in 1 hour by:
9/3/2012
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Dear friend,

I am sorry that you are having such difficulties with your step-daughter. Sometimes children at this age have to reject their family totally in order to find themselves. It is not an unusual phenomenon, and always devastating to all involved.

If she is not getting support from you, then perhaps she has met someone who you may not approve of, who is supporting her, or has found some kind of lucrative work that she is not very proud of, such as a dancer in a men's club.

You want to engage in a victimless reaction, and want to show yourself mostly, more than the rest of the world, that you are a person who does something positive and wants to carry on as a contributor against the tide of negativity that is sweeping our world.

You are a horse lover, I see. Right now there is a tremendous need to save the remaining wild horses from mass extermination at the hands of the Bureau of Land Management conspiring with ranchers who want this government land to increase their profit raising beef cattle.

This may be a place for you to put your energy, do something wonderful, and divert your energy.

Check out this website and this video:

http://vimeo.com/7135462

http://saveourwildhorses.org/


Your daughter will come back to you when she is ready, or when she needs to. All of the love and energy you invested is not lost, and she will eventually return.

In the meantime, you could find a project (such as the example I presented) to become involved with. This would not only do a world of good, but would be quite therapeutic for you.

I wish you great success and peace of mind,


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you for your response.
It is unusual in my experience because I know of no other parents this has happened to even if their relationships are not good.
She lives with her bio mom and we have been paying for college as recently as last spring semester. We won't be paying for this spring though.
It is interesting that you brought up the wild horse cause. Before I became a stepmom I spent most of my free time as an animal advocate. Wolves, whales, dolphins, vivisection , animal testing, seals and working undercover with animal protection agencies. The last cause I worked on was wild horse protection and ending domesticated horse slaughter. I was just thinking of going back in that direction, so thank you for confirming it !
In your experience, why do these children engage in absolutely no response instead of just distancing themselves ?
Dear XXXXX,

Sometimes I am amazed that my hunches are so close to reality, and I am delighted that I have inspired you to going back to horse protection. I too am a horse lover and understand that animals have the same level of emotional intelligence as (some) humans have. They do not have a "higher" mind to distract them from their emotional intelligence.

For one reason or another your daughter is wanting to distance herself from you and your husband. Perhaps it is due to the influence of her biological mother; perhaps there are other factors.

It is easier for your daughter to cut you off completely then to just distance herself. She may be very fearful of being abandoned by her bio mother, so much so, that she cuts herself off from you two, knowing, ironically, that your love her more unconditionally, and that you are safe even to do this to.

I know that this seems like a great contradiction, but often the safe and most loving parent gets the brunt of the mistreatment.

Continue to let her know that you love her unconditionally, without expecting a response right away. She will, in the long run, come back to you, and you must temper your pain with that thought.

I wish you well.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Yes !!! Emotional intelligence ! An oxymoron for most humans !
Thank you again and take care !
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
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Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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