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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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I am not sure whether I should contact my ex girlfriend. She

Customer Question

I am not sure whether I should contact my ex girlfriend. She broke up with me 5 weeks ago.

We had been together since October 2011 and I loved her very much. Up until May everything was good. We had small arguements along the way, usually to do with how much we saw each other etc but we were always very happy together. In May I initially broke things off after she was very bad to me for a few weeks. I immediately regretted the my decision and tried to get her back. We started back seeing each other and we got on great but she didn't know what she wanted etc so I said we should have a break so we she can decide what she wants and I could protect myself from being hurt due to the position I was in. I just didn't understand why it was so hard for her to make a decision but I respected it. She would say she wasn't sure because we argue etc, but then she said it was because she didn't know whether she could give me the time I needed because of her starting a new job.

Anyway, I suggested we have a break, she got annoyed with that. We didn't speak for 10 days and then she went on holiday and broke up with via text on the day she flew out and didn't give me a reason. She was away for a month.

When she came back I bumped into her on the street (well, basically she followed me for sure). I asked her if we could go and sit down and have a chat but she said no which hurt me. I then told her how I thought her behaviour was wrong and I didn't deserve it. She said it was because I didn't get in touch with her before she left even though I told her it was because I was giving her space - she knew that! Anyway, she then said we argued too much. I said OK, I disagree but we could of worked through that. I gave her a kiss and left.

She then text me a few times an hour later saying she was sorry for hurting me. She wants me to be happy. I've been very good to her and helped her out a lot. I looked gorgeous. I was civil and replied back even though I was very hurt about how she had done everything.

The next night we were both in a club and she was clearly trying to make me jealous which I didn't react to. She then text me the day after asking why I didn't say hello. I said I didn't want to be friends with someone who showed me such a lack of respect and tried to hurt me. She then tried got a bit angry with me and said 'well, I dont go out much anyway, so you will have the delights of town to yourself'. I didn't understand this comment, she broke it off with me! I did not reply and then she texted back saying 'I'm sorry, its just hard being around you and not talking to you'. I said OK, but I was just angry and you don't treat me like that. She then text me back and that was it.

On Facebook a few days ago she seemed to be making an effort to make sure I knew she was there. Liking certain mutual friends statuses after I commented on them, changing her profile picture and making sure I could see it by changing her account settings. Just seems that she was trying to get me to react.

Anyway, we haven't been in contact for a week. I love her, I miss her and I want to be with her. I think she may be depressed and does have the symptoms and she does has had a lot to go through over this last year - my friend who has depression also said he thinks for sure she is depressed too. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether she is just a nasty person. Is she waiting for me to contact her? I don't see why I should when she is the one who broke up with me. Just don't know what to do.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 4 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about what is going on between both of you. I think you need to take another step and then the ball will be in her court. This way you will see what her reactions are. The step you need to take is to make it very clear how you feel about her, how you want to be back with her and that you hope that the two of you can sit down together and work things out. If you put your position forward then it is then her turn to see how she will react. If she feels the same way as you do, she will respond in kind and you will know. If she isn't interested you will know, too, by how she responds to you. After you present your position then you have to wait for her to see where she is coming from. Put the ball in her court.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I see that you are offline. Enter whatever you like and I'll respond back so that we may continue with our chat.

JACUSTOMER-b02oqjqp- :


JACUSTOMER-b02oqjqp- :

I have been thinking about what to do for a while

JACUSTOMER-b02oqjqp- :

I just don't really understand. I suppose I am scared of getting rejected again and in some small way I feel at the moment that I am still connected her which is wrong I know. It just don't understand how it got to this stage when we both really loved each other. My friends say that I should leave it and that she has just played me and got what she wanted out of me but I'm not sure. On the other hand, it doesn't set a very good base if I have to keep doing all the chasing.

JACUSTOMER-b02oqjqp- :

I'm not sure if this depression is making her want to be on her own and push everything away.

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 4 years ago.
I am sorry I posted a response and it did not go through --- lost it so I switched to Question and Answer where we can still chat but via e-mail. Hopefully this response won't be lost.
I see what your friends have said about your girlfriend. I would pay close attention to that. They know her I don't.
But let me say again why I told you to tell her in a very straight forward way how you feel. You will then have a very, very clear picture about what is going on. If she responds positively, then great. I understand that you are afraid of being hurt again. Of course!!!!! But if she doesn't respond or doesn't respond positively then you will have a loud and clear message that it is time to move on. You will know where you stand if she doesn't respond the way you want. Yes, that will hurt. But then you will know definitively where she stands and you will begin the process of moving on with your life. Her behaviour to your response will tell it all.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 4 years ago.
Just checking to see if you entered anything for me to respond to. Just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your comment/question and I will be the one to respond.

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