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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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I am in a relationship with a man who says he is afraid he

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I am in a relationship with a man who says he is afraid he can't be what i need.we enjoy each other's company and intimacy,he agrees with this and i can feel that he does,so why is he afraid he will disappoitt me
Thank you for choosing this website. You are in a relationship with a man who pleases you very much and is good company. You puzzled over why he is so afraid that he will disappoint you. Since there is nothing in the current relationship that would give him such a feeling the only explanation can be that in his previous relationship he was told repeatedly how disappointing he wants. This has become ingrained in him and his self-esteem is extremely mared. I'm sure if you ask him he will tell you although he may be somewhat reluctant to do so. People who are in the victim of emotional abuse for a long period of time tend to integrate that into their own self-concept. Let me know what he says and I can offer some suggestions
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I asked why he feels this way and he said "I don't know why i feel this way it;s just me.Could it be that he feels that i want more than he is capable of giving emotionally/

unfortunately as I had warned he may not know why he is so afraid of letting you down. If this is the case you need to do a little more psychological detective work and after you have a better idea of who it was in the past who told him of his inadequacies then you can start to help him realize that this is an irrational fear him
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I asked if it could be that he feels I want more than he is capable or willing to give emotionally

the important thing is to you feel that what he says is true. If it is not then he is exaggerating things and needs help. You can start out by asking for some specific examples of how you are demanding more than he is willing to give emotionally. For instance you demand his complete attention? Do you require him to always be emotionally therefore you? See what examples he can come up with and if he can't then he has to accept that this is his exaggeration
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

That was not a quote from him, it was a supposition on my part,he did not say that. I only asked you if that could be the case.

it could be the case but having a conversation with him would be much more of a test of the truth
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Two more things he said that may be of help."I can't sit next to you and not drink"My reply I don't need to drink to sit next to you" His reply "You are a better person than I"

I made the statement" At some point in life one has to be satisfied with who they are, and what they have, and that I was."His reply "I wish that I were where you are"


Would you say that this reinforces what you said about feelings of inadequacies?

I see you gave me a negative rating. Is there something more that you need? If so, just ask and I’d be happy to help.he seems to be making comparisons with you and his behaviors when he is with you in particular that he cannot control himself especially around drinking alcohol. My question to him would be why do you feel the uncontrollable urge to drink in front of me?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I gave the negative rating because my last reply was not answered, however I also gave a positive rating for the answered questions.


Thank you very much.

Sorry I was sleeping.

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