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I am a single mom of four. My boyfriend of one year, we are

exclusive and talking about living...
I am a single mom of four. My boyfriend of one year, we are exclusive and talking about living together, emailed me a dream he had where he and his ex wife (they've been legally separated 2 years) had a fight and suddenly decided to split up, but it felt like it was in a moment of anger, unresolved. And then later he saw her with another man and he got into a fight with that man. Then he said he woke up full of sorrow, and wishing he could have forced things to work out. Then he went to yoga and cried a little bit and felt better, like something had healed. He emailed this to me while he was away. We went on vacation together but he stayed a week longer.
Needless to say I was hurt by the tone of this email. It would be one thing to just relate the dream, that was bad enough, but to say he woke up and was sad is different.
Should I talk to him or let it go or assume it means he's not really emotionally available ?
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Answered in 9 minutes by:
9/2/2012
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. Why do I say frustrating?

Because it isn't a sign of emotional unavailability; it is a sign of emotional neediness. Here he is establishing a long term relationship with you, his future, and he spills his heart out to you about his lingering pain of having to leave his past and mend. That has to be frustrating that he doesn't realize as a man that you, as a woman, are going to be hurt.

And further, that he needs to cry on your shoulder about it, so to speak. Well, it's not a fatal mistake on his part, but it is something for you to keep an eye on.

That he is feeling every so often the after shocks of the break up with his ex is not an unusual thing. That's common and okay. That he is taking it this seriously is a bit off. That he's wearing it on his sleeve with you is the bad judgment part. So, as I said, keep an eye on it and see if he makes a habit of being emotionally unable to pull apart.

But as of now, let it go and just keep watchful. And the hope is that this will fade into the past and he will be fully in the present. With you.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX is on target with what I'm feeling. He also called me her name on Valentines Day and recently told me that he had used her name instead of mine when talking about our relationship to someone else. She was an alcoholic , was sober for 10 years, and he had an affair after she started drinking again. Then she decided to leave. Both his parents and brother were alcoholics. I'm kind of a super responsible type, and am feeling like maybe he needs more drama in his life than I provide.

That's a good observation: the need for "drama".


And inappropriate boundaries.


Again, there seems to be this emotionalism and that is worrisome. Drama is a byproduct of this: emotionalism feeds on drama. And so he seems to keep telling you all these things that a guy with "normal" self awareness would want to make sure NOT to tell his lover, right?


Well, you're painting a picture of a man who's had an emotionally troubled childhood and has carried it over into his adult life and his relationship and seems to make these adult relationships swirl with the unsteadiness (drama) that his youth had.


Good call on your part and I'll support whichever way you want to take this. You seem to be levelheaded, but keep a watchful eye before getting too committed.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
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