Following the breakdown of reconciliation with the previous "counsellor"(3 months please see attached agreement ),we are both now willing to attend
another 3 to 6 months of counselling/psychotherapy intensive sessions.We still live separately, and that was at the request of my spouse who at the time desperately wanted more "freedom" as she could not deal with my situation .She is a high school teacher and carreers counsellor at her school and has her own earnings.I take care of all other expenses including 3 children at university in UK.
The last agreement provided that for the counselling period i would support her income by paying the rent of her own apartment.
My question is whether such support will help the process OR will make her feel more comfortable and less keen to work for a solution...
The second question is to clarify with the children(who so far been financially spoiled) my financial support/a budget agreement for the period of their studies and should such an agreement be in writing and to the extent of detail....
Following is a letter prepared jointly by my wife and the councellor on 12 April.
The actual agreement i have in pdf file , how can I forward it to you??
These past weeks with Wil may seem to be slow progress, but gradually I am becoming aware of the changes that we need to make in order to see positive growth in our lives.
Originally we had been talking about a ‘separation’ agreement but that is hard for both of us to digest, so I would say it is best to refer to the necessary change as a ‘solution’ . This solution has to involve spending time apart . This solution needs to happen as much to help me as to help you. It is to help us both to grow and and make the necessary changes to become a positive – rather than a negative - influence on each other.
This solution, or distance, is not a form of escape, nor is it a holiday. It comes with no guarantees but requires sacrifices. I am sacrificing the safety and security of my home in the hope of positive outcomes on both sides. I see this solution as a gift we give to each other.
By continuing the way we are, we try to put a sticking plaster on a festering wound! We keep each other imprisoned in old patterns. We keep each other on a leash and perpetuate our addictive relationship, so clearly, these patterns have to be broken.
This solution is scary but it is a step towards real freedom. You know me and my needs so well. By giving up the security of my home I am telling you that I trust you and I believe that we can resolve our respective issues and move towards a real and mature relationship of trust and respect.
For my part I will work on myself. Your challenge of freeing yourself from the dependency on pills is already a tremendous task and I do not want to be your distraction.
We were asked to make a list of things we want or expect from each other. I believe that your best intentions guide you and I trust that you will provide for me. Mutual trust will guide us to a better solution.
I want to do what is best for both of us and I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX this is it. We need to create a new basis from which to form a healthy relationship and this solution I give it to you wholeheartedly so that you can focus on your health. And what I need, in return, is your trust.
Catherine 12 April 2012
I have manage to copy the pdf text and I am attaching it below
24 April 2012
This last week we seem to have got lost in detail and have lost sight of the bigger picture and the real purpose behind what we need to do.
Before that, I want to reassure you of certain things:
- There is no issue about moving the family home - it is and will remain Anna Court;
- Our individual meetings and meetings together with Wil will continue so that we can make progress;
- Alexis – and all the kids - will know that his home is in Anna Court and he is free to stay in either place;
I feel the need to regroup and make it clear to myself and perhaps to us both what is going on and where we stand in all this.
As long as we stay together under the same roof we maintain the old habits which entrap us. My being there keeps us in the old habits; the medication keeps us in the old habits. We are blocked. That is why it is necessary to create this distance. This distance will energize us, and will allow us to progress.
We have to knock down before we can build up – we have to destroy the toxic relationship and break down the old patterns where we hold each other prisoner, each depending on the other. To do this we need the space to be apart and look at ourselves afresh. It will be the beginning of a healing process where we can build up a new relationship.
ME: to focus on myself; to understand myself better; to know what is good about me and how I can be better
YOU: to focus on yourself; to quit the medication; to be good to yourself; to find happiness
US: to establish a healthy relationship; to understand each other and communicate better
KIDS: To see us at peace and cooperating, working on our problems; to enjoy happiness in household
SO it is important that I move to a place where I will feel good during this period.
This solution will give us both a real chance to work and make progress. We each have an opportunity to improve ourselves. You see the situation from your perspective as I do from mine – but neither one of us is right or wrong. This move is a temporary solution which we must act on immediately for our own good and so that we can START to make progress.
We WANT to make a fresh and a positive start and I respect and trust you and BELIEVE in you.
It will be easier if – as you suggested – you take over payments for the children and grammar school.
So you can stop the EUR1,800 as well as the EUR1,100 payment. It would be good if you could look after the rent. I believe I can manage with that.
25 April 2012