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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2189
Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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what must i do to make my better?

Customer Question

what must i do to make my better?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JB-Umphrey replied 4 years ago.
Welcome and thank you for your question!

Please clarify: what is it that you would like to make better?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
my relationship
Expert:  JB-Umphrey replied 4 years ago.
Thank you. One moment and I will have your question switched to the relationship category.
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 4 years ago.
Hello fellow expert,

I am curious about you and your very generous offers to pay. I notice you are a very successful expert with almost 100% accepts (or now, high ratings). That is unheard of in most other categories.

Anyway, if you are needing help for yourself (and we all need to care for ourselves as we assist others), can you be more specific. It is a relationship expert you want or a psychic reading. I am a psychologist and would need to know...what is the current status of the relationship in question? problems? how would you like it to improve?

Awaiting your response...
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Okay, here's the thing. I have been dating a younger woman now for about 4 months. We have a pretty good relationship in my opinion and we have a nice time when we are together. The issue at hand is her "guy" friends. Personally, I have never quite understood this concept. Maybe it is just my experience, I don't know? Anyway, I also do not drink because I am a recovering alcoholic. It is my choice and she is aware of this. She does drink, sometimes more than others, but not too frequently. last night she tells me that the guy friend invited her to a day-long bar crawl. It is on a Sunday and I work the weekends so I couldn't go even if I wanted to. She continues to tell me how she really wants to go because she really wants to see this guy friend of hers. She also throws in there that another ex-boyfriend will be there as well, so she doesn't know if she should go or not. I sat there, probably with fumes coming out of my ears, thinking to myself that she was out of line even considering this. I mean, first off, we just had a discussion about how people who are in relationships shouldn't be out getting smashed with a people , especially when they are not with their significant other. Also, how does she think that makes me feel when she sits there and tells me how much she wants to see this guy who I have never even met? I have friends who happen to be girls, sure. But I am in a relationship and I don't call them or text them or consider going out with them without my girlfriend. That is what being single is for. Maybe I am jealous, maybe not? That is why I need help here. I have been giving her the silent treatment for the last day because I don;t want to say anything that will come off the wrong way. She is a great girl and I honestly don;t think she understands what she says sometimes. I am feeling a little angry, but at the same time feeling what can you advice me on?
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 4 years ago.
Hello again,

I read a few of your answers to other customers and so, I know you are straight-forward and I can't help wondering this: If you step back and pretended to receive this post from a customer, what observations/advice would you make. I would advise you to try this. It is a therapy strategy.

But your confusion is what is in the way of clear thinking so let's go for clarity. Your feelings are your feelings and not right or wrong. So the fact is, you are feeling uncomfortable (angry, hurt, rejection). There is probably a deep reason for this discomfort (past rejections and losses). Her desire to be with others is triggering the past.

What you would like from her (or any relationship) is for her to decrease your discomfort by setting boundaries with her past relationships (a reasonable request for a serious relationship). And you not only want her to set these boundaries but also to want to set the have no desire to see these people in a social setting where drinking (which decreased inhibitions) is involved.

So far, the evidence is that she does not want to create these boundaries and this increases your discomfort. Maybe she does not understand what this is doing to you. I am glad you waited to talk to her so that you can process your feelings and speak reasonably and rationally.

Some suggested words: "when you talk about even wanting to spend time with other men, it makes me feel (rejected). It may be that this comes from things that have happened in my past. But our relationships is so new, it needs more time to grow and be healthy and I need some time to develop the trust that I need to not feel intimidated by others. So, I would feel much better of you would set boundaries with this friend, let him see your commitment to me and only see him when you are with me." I know this exposes your vulnerability but, in my opinion, it's honest and genuine.

I know that's scary because she might say..."forget it".... but then you will know that it is not in her desire to have a growing healthy with you where you nurture each other.

What do you think?
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2189
Experience: Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
Dr. Bonnie and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
so,you think there is love in this relationship?or i should stop being jealous??
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 4 years ago.
Hello again,
Oh my...thank you for your generous accept and bonus.

The question about love requires a philosopher...well, PhD is a doctorate in I will give it a try. What is love?

"Love cares what becomes of you because love knows that we are all interconnected. Love is inherently compassionate and empathic. Love knows that the "other" is also oneself. This is the true nature of love and love itself can not be manipulated or restrained. Love honors the sovereignty of each soul. Love is its own law." I wish I could say I wrote this but it is from a book called The Seven Natural Laws of Love.

Love (and jealousy) are feelings. Your feelings are your feelings and they are neither right or wrong (I did write that). Feelings can't be turned on and off. If someone said to you "Stop being jealous"....can you? It is about trust, isn't it? In order to change the feeling, you need to change the way you think. (This is called cognitive behavioral therapy in out profession). So if you can change your thinking to "I can trust her. I do not need to feel jealous", you might be able to change this feeling but it takes some work. But trust is only built over time. Trust and enduring love (not just infatuation) take time and from a psychological perspective, it may be too soon to predict if this relationship is the "enduring love" you are yearning for.

Remember, this is the philosophy of an American, woman, psychology expert. The perspective of a European, male, psychic may be very different. These are not black and white issues but definitely interesting topics of discussion.

Again, thank you for your generousity,

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