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AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  B.A. Psychology
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When I started college I met this guy name Jared in one of

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When I started college I met this guy name Jared in one of my classes. I'll be honest I didnt notice him until half way through my semester when he was in a group projects with me and talked to me after class. We were in the elevator just chatting and he asked me If i had a car, to which I said no. Jared said oh I asked because I always see you walk after class, I can give you a ride if you want. At first I was hesitant, so he said its okay you can trust me. So from there on, he gave me rides after class to the school library, he started to park his car because we usually ended up talking for a hour or two before he left. I found out he is 26 and Im 20. He said we should go out for coffee sometime, So i gave him my number and we started texting each other. We did eventually hanged out, we ate breakfast together, went to the movies and beach. We when we went to the beach, during the ride back he kissed me, he parked his car and made out a little and Im embrassed to say this but he touched me a little too and we had some oral sex. When he dropped me off he gave me a big, tight hug. I later texted him asking him how I didnt get a kiss good bye and he said he was wondering the same thing. Recently Jared told me he wasent looking for anything serious and that he was in no spot for it, i was a bit sad and angry for feeling like I been lead on.I still continued to talked to him anyways and in his texts he has been calling me hun, dear and love. Lately we haven't hung out because he keeps telling me he's busy, recently I texted him asking if he even wanted to hangout with me anymore, he never responded, to make it worse we both have iPhones so I can tell if he read it and he did read it but never responded, so should I even talk to him anymore? Or should I avoid him for awhile or something? Before he said he felt bad for me because he said he is sure that it sucks dealing with him, I also told him I'm too nice and people take advantage of that and he said he wasn't like that, he also said he was thankful that I was nice to him. Why did he bother to talk to me If he is just going to treat me that way?

AskJason : (My answers are intended as information and opinion only. I am not a Dr. or a licensed psychologist and can not offer counseling or medical advice.)
AskJason : Hi, my name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd be glad to chat with you about this.

So yeah I'm not sure what do in this situation

AskJason : May I ask, did you ever spend time with him again after that first day you went to the beach? I wasn't sure if you saw each other again after that or if he told you he didn't want anything serious before you ever hung out together again?

No we didnt, even thou he kept promising we would. We spent time together before that.


AskJason : Just to make sure I understand the history of your relationship, how many times would you say you spent time with him after that first date? Based on your reply above I'm thinking the answer is zero? If so, when you then said you spent time with him before that, did you mean time spent in class?
AskJason : Oh I see now. You spent time having talks in the car and when he gave you rides. Sorry I missed that at first.
AskJason : Ok so it's definitely troubling that you finally had that first date and after all his pursuing he all but disappeared on you after you finally gave in and had a date with him.

Well in class and after class, like I said he gave me rides after school, and he would park his car in the parking lot because we ended talking to each other for at least for a hour and its okay. He took me out to eat, to the movies and has taken me home after the last day of school which is aXXXXX we had dates before


AskJason : Ok, I'm understanding now. My apologies because I misunderstood the timeline at first. So now all of a sudden he tells you he doesn't want anything serious. I can see why that would leave you hurt and angry since it seemed up until that date to the beach you guys were progressing along nicely into a relationship. Maybe he's afraid to commit to a relationship? Maybe he was just looking to be physical with you and now that he has, he has lost interest in pursuing anything further? Obviously that wouldn't be a good sign regarding his character. I think you should try to call him and tell him how you feel. Let him know you were hoping to take the next step with him toward a more meaningful relationship. Ask him to just be honest with you and to tell you how he feels? Do you think you could do this?

I'm not sure if I could do that, I mean when we texted before I said to him that I like hanging out with him, he said why?, I told him I dont wanna say, he said tell me..., I told him that I liked him, that when he said I have to be honest with you, Im not looking for anything serious...just so you know....I said oh..., then he said he was in no spot for it right now

AskJason : Well it sound like he actually was very honest with you at that point. It would have been much better had he said this to you earlier in your relationship, perhaps before he made sexual advances and had some intimate moments with you. I think all you can do now is take things from here. If you've already told him you like him, and his response was he doesn't want anything serious, you have two choices. You could continue to see him casually, even having a casual sexual relationship, knowing in the long run he probably isn't going to commit to you. You're 20 years old and it's ok to have a casual relationship as long as both sides are willing, you practice safe and respectful sex, etc. The big drawback to this option is you run risk of really falling for him more, which may turnabout bad for you of he maintains his position that he doesn't want to get serious. Your other option is to tell him you'll no longer be texting him or calling him, and that you don't want to spend any time with him since you don't want to invest in a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere.
AskJason : Only you can make that choice, and you have to be ready for possible heartbreak if you choose to pursue a guy who is telling you he doesn't want to commit or get serious.

Well I thought we could be just friends but Im scared that he isnt going to want that because we went further before, also I havent texted him in a week and he has never texted me back, Im afraid to text him again just to have him ignore me or something, he kept telling me before that he felt so bad and like a asshole because he didnt have time to hang

AskJason : Texting can be a tough way to communicate. You don't get the benefit of tone of voice and that more personal interaction that comes with a live phone call. Are you willing to call him to try to communicate with him about how you're feeling and whether or not he wants to see you again? Being friends only will likely be very hard for you. It's tough to put the kind of feelings you're having aside.

We have never talked on the phone honestly, the only time I called him was when we had a planned date, he told me to call him in the morning so he can pick me up, which never happened because he overslept

AskJason : Blowing off your date due to sleeping late is just another example of his lack of desire to commit. He seemingly doesn't even like commiting to plans, never mind to a relationship. Again, I don't think you'll be happy trying to just be friends. That's for you to decide, and I'm just offering my opinion. Somehow you have to communicate with him again and either take the next step or get closure. It could be that he doesn't have the courage to tell you he doesn't want to hang out anymore. Insead of telling you this, he just ignores your texts. This obviously not only makes you feel bad, but also leaves you hanging. If you don't want to try to call him live, and I'd you no longer will see him in class or around at school, then I suppose a text is your only option of communicating. Sure, you run risk of being ignored again if you text him and he never replies, BUT no reply will actually give you all the answer you need. By that of course I mean his lack of reply will signal that he is not interested in maintaining any type of relationship and as sad as that will make you in the short term, your heart will heal and I know you will meet a man who appreciates you and who wants to pursue you and see you all the time.

I was thinking about texting him like a month or two later, because as you said he never likes to commit and I just now realized that, Im always texting him first, he only texted me first like two or three times, but he started talking to me first and suggested that we hang out more, ehhhh he even took me to his house once, but do you think he might text me randomly one day?

AskJason : Very tough for me to answer. I can't know if he'll just randomly text you out of the blue someday. But more importantly, what if he did? He goes months without any contact and then all of a sudden he pops back into your life. Would that be a good thing? I don't think it would be. The more we chat here the more I'm thinking you already have your answer. When a man likes a woman, he pursues her. He chases he. He wants to spend time with her. He's hoping she feels the same. She's always on his mind. That unfortunately does not seem to be the case here. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just being real. My best advice would be to either forget about this guy completely, or send him that final text and if he doesn't reply within a day or two, you must accept the fact that it just isn't meant to be. I hope this answers your question and I really wish you the best of luck! Feel free to follow up with me in a week or so if you have any more questions or want to update me and chat. Just start your question with "For AskJason" and it will be assigned to me.

Thank you for the advice :) I really appreciated it!

AskJason and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Hi Victoria,

Just thought I'd check in and see how things went with Jared. Did you decide to text him again? Did he reply? Hope things are going well for you. Feel free to submit any new questions you may have!

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hello, sorry I took so long to reply but yes I decided to talk to him and things got way more complicated then it should be.

Sorry to hear that. I hope you meet someone new so you can put this difficult relationship behind you!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Yeah, I was wondering If I could get some advice? its not as bad as before.

Sure. Be glad to. Please tell me what's up and what your questions are.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

we ended up becoming friends with benefits. He kept kissing me and hugging me after the sex. (which I don't know why, he kept wanting to hug me) He was very affectation with me. At one point he told me he wasn't up for the sex anymore and didn't want to complicate us, but still wanted to talk and hang out with me. I took it a little personally and got upset. He said sorry, that he didn't want to upset me. I ended up forgiving him. After saying saying sorry he said he wanted to watch a movie with me. Two weeks later after saying lets be friends, he kissed me and grabbed me. He contradicted himself. Now I'm a bit confused to what he wants. He is being all sweet & nice to me. I admit I tried stop talking to him before because I was angry at him at one point. It was 2 weeks before he "accidentally" called me and we started talking again. He has been a bit more open to me. I was texting him, telling him how I wish I didn't put myself down so much and he told that I shouldn't put myself down, that I was better then that and have no reason to be down on myself.He told me that I was smart girl who had things going for me. I told him that I didn't like my looks and he said that I needed to get over my insecurities and I look fine. He also told me that I was pretty nice and sarcastic and I said I don't think so. He said I think so and that's all that matters. Now he is being distant with me again. I have no idea why he would want to keep in touch with me... So any ideas why he is doing this? and what should I do?

He's definitely giving you mixed signals and this is no different than how he has acted all along. It seems he is very hesitant to commit to the fact you guys are in a relationship, but the minute you pull away he tries to rekindle it. When we last spoke a few months ago, my advice was to not text him again since it was clear he wasn't responding. You deserve a man who will chase you. One who thinks about you all day and all night and one who wants to be with you every chance he can get. Being "friends with benefits" allows this man to have the best of both worlds. He gets to have the physical intimacy with a women who he finds attractive and likes to be around, but also the freedom to do whatever else he wants to do and not commit to you in any way. As long as you continue to allow this behavior, he is going to abuse the privileges and take advantage of the situation. It's clear you have feelings for him that go beyond just "friends with benefits", so the fact he is not reciprocating leaves you in a tough position. You really have to ask yourself if this man deserves your heart and if you are going to continue to allow him to treat you the way he has been. He only seems to want to connect with you after you pull away, and then once he gets you back, he goes distant again. He's leading you on and seems to be using you. I think you have to trust in the fact that you deserve to be in a relationship where both people are "pining" for the other. One where you both have "butterflies" hoping that the other feels the same. The only way to find that man is to leave this one and not allow yourself to be taken advantage of any further. I know you can do it! You're young and you will meet someone else soon. When you do, what usually happens is the minute you fall in love with someone new, you will realize how unhappy you were trying to pursue this current guy since you knew in your heart he didn't deserve you. I hope this helps!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you, I'm trying to get over him, just trying to be friends. I'm just afraid that if I try not to talk to him or get angry with him like I did before, he'll try to "accidentally" call me, or say sorry I still want you in my life thing. He's hot and cold to me. Right now unofrtunely he is being cold right now, I just tried texting him today but he ignored it because I knew he read my text, but he's done this before. I'm not even sure if we are in a relationship of some sorts. How can I feel less hurt when he doesn't respond to my texts?
I think you're always going to feel hurt when he doesn't reply to your texts. This, ironically, is the very nature of the problem here. You're going to keep reaching out to him, and he's going to keep ignoring you since he knows he has you "on a string". I hate to tell you to give up on him, but it's been many months since you started up with Jared and things have not gotten any better. My best advice for you is to stop sending him texts, and move on. Being his friend is going to be very difficult for you since you will continue to have romantic feelings for him. This will typically lead to physical intimacy every few weeks or every few months, again allow Jared to have the best of both worlds. So again, my advice is to cut off all contact with Jared and try to open yourself up to finding someone knew. You can always seek to be "just friends" with Jared once you are in a committed relationship and once you know you will no longer be tempted by him. My bet is though that you won't even want to be friends with him once that day comes, because you'll realize how poorly he's been treating you and you won't want to be around him at all. Please remember to rate my service and best of luck as always!