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Answered in 14 hours by:
8/6/2012
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
VerifiedDr. L :
Greetings!
Dr. L :
It's so nice to hear from you again.
Dr. L :
The reflecting you are doing about the relationship is very normal thinking! It's been a month, you've had a vacation, been away on business, and then working feverishly. He hasn't come looking for you at work...and you haven't looked for him. So it is only natural that you would wonder where he is and what he's doing...and also to wonder about all that intense passion and excitement and why it feels so unreal right now.
Dr. L :
This is all part of the grieving process and your getting on with your life.
Dr. L :
Should you still question if he meant to end the relationship? Should you feel lonely and worry that you might never fall in love again?
Dr. L :
These thoughts are all so normal!
Dr. L :
If you had jumped from one relationship into another...then you might not have this time to reflect. But because you ended the relationship with no man "waiting in the wings"...you have lingering thoughts and questions.
Dr. L :
You have been grieving...and you will continue to grieve for some time. The relationship was intense! It was complicated! It was thrilling and exciting and maddening and hurtful. Those feelings - and all the others - need to be worked through.
Dr. L :
And the truth is that you want to be in love...that you don't want to be lonely...and that you do worry about your future and what will become of your need to love and be loved.
Dr. L :
When you come back online, let's chat. I will be online throughout the day and early evening.
Dr. L :
I will look for you!
Customer:
Hi!
Customer:
Thank you for your answer.
Customer:
I couldn't get back to you before because I am working non-stop.
Customer:
I guess I didn't catch you at a good time. I will look for you later.
Customer:
Thanks!
Dr. L :
Hello!
Dr. L :
Sorry I missed you.
Dr. L :
I understand your busy schedule! No problem...I'm sure we will catch each other soon!
Customer:
Hi!
Customer:
I've been really busy
Customer:
There is nothing new to report
Customer:
I'll try to catch you later
Customer:
Bye
Dr. L :
Hi,
Dr. L :
I am here if you would like to chat...
Customer:
Hi!
Dr. L :
Greetings!
Dr. L :
How are you doing?
Customer:
It's nice to talk to you again!
Customer:
I am doing fine
Customer:
I haven't seen the guy at all
Customer:
I really think he is no longer in the company... who knows
Dr. L :
Do you want to check to see if he is gone...or are you okay not knowing?
Customer:
I have been working so hard lately that I haven't had much time to think
Customer:
I would love to know, but I don't know how to check without raising eyebrows
Dr. L :
Well..maybe that's not a bad thing...it keeps you from dwelling on him...
Dr. L :
Yes...I understand the dilemma...
Customer:
No, I haven't been dwelling on him... I would love to know, though
Dr. L :
I suppose you could call his office number and see what happens...
Customer:
It would feel very comfortable to know he is not there anymore
Dr. L :
Yes...it would likely be a relief...
Customer:
I don't know why, but I would feel more... free?
Dr. L :
Do you know anyone who works in that department that you could casually ask about him?
Customer:
Nope
Dr. L :
Yes...free would be the feeling...
Dr. L :
What about going to his office area after work hours...
Customer:
Nothing is casual there, and if he is still there, he could get the wrong idea
Dr. L :
Or would that raise suspicion...
Dr. L :
Yes...I understand...
Dr. L :
So there is nothing you can do about it at the moment...
Customer:
I have thought about it, but I don't think I dare to do anything
Dr. L :
Do you have an inner office mail system?
Dr. L :
I'm wondering about sending something to him in that manner and seeing if it comes back undelivered...
Dr. L :
But that wouldn't work...as it would have your name on it....bad idea...
Customer:
Yes, it would have my name...
Dr. L :
Way too risky to do anything at this point in time...
Customer:
yep
Customer:
it would be nice to know... but I am almost sure he is not there
Customer:
I have seen everyone from his department except him
Customer:
and the time I saw him, he seemed really distressed
Dr. L :
Maybe in a few weeks or so there might be a way to ask about him that would not raise suspicion...if he is gone then there would likely be little thought about why you would be asking...
Dr. L :
It would be terrific if he is gone...right?
Customer:
that's true
Customer:
YES!
Customer:
I don't know why I feel that way, though... he is not bothering me
Dr. L :
Then you could go on with your life and not have any concern for running in to him...
Dr. L :
Well...I think it is a matter of underlying worry that you might run in to him, that he might call you, that he might want to start up again...
Customer:
Yes, you are right
Dr. L :
If he is not there...then that means he may have left the area...moved away...or taken a job somewhere else.
Customer:
And even if he does call again, I can ignore him
Dr. L :
That would ease your mind considerably.
Customer:
he would have no way to get to me without my consent
Dr. L :
Yes...you can not take his call. At work, there would be some pressure to talk to him politely or it would raise suspicion if you ignored him in front of others.
Customer:
Exactly
Dr. L :
How are you handling your lonliness?
Customer:
Well, I am so exhausted that when I am lonely I just want to sleep
Dr. L :
That's reasonable....
Customer:
But I have to recognize that I do think about him when I feel lonely
Customer:
and I have to confess that I even wonder if he would call me again
Dr. L :
That is really normal thinking...
Customer:
It's an ego thing, I know... I just would love to think I wasn't just a fling
Dr. L :
You want to be in a committed, loving relationship...it would only be normal to want him to call...
Customer:
really?
Dr. L :
Yes...really.
Customer:
So, it's not because I still have feelings for him?
Dr. L :
This is the last man you have been in a relationship with...
Dr. L :
it's only natural that when you get lonely you are going to think about that last relationship!
Customer:
But shouldn't I be already so over him that I wouldn't even want to hear about him?
Dr. L :
No...it's not about having feelings for him...it's about having a remembrance about how you felt...
Customer:
Oh... I see
Customer:
wow... i do feel better
Dr. L :
It's not really HIM that you are thinking about...it's the memory of the romantic feelings, excitement, and so forth.
Customer:
I was starting to think I was a masochist!
Customer:
You are right
Customer:
because I still think he is a horrible person
Dr. L :
Yes...separate out him from the feelings...
Customer:
and yet I do long for the times when we were together, the few times I thought were romantic
Customer:
but when I think about it, I almost wish he was someone else
Dr. L :
It's the feelings you are missing...the desire to be in a loving relationship...
Customer:
you are completely right
Customer:
I miss feeling that I have someone to care about
Dr. L :
Exactly...it's not HIM...it's the image of a man who would be romantic and would treat you in a loving, compassionate, and special way...
Customer:
right now I am a workaholic mom
Dr. L :
Yes....you want to be loved and give love...and you are missing THAT...
Dr. L :
not missing HIM...
Customer:
actually, I feel a big relief now that I realize that
Customer:
thanks again
Dr. L :
You are very very welcome!
Dr. L :
Yes...I bet you do feel relieved...you were stuck on the idea that it was HIM...and that was confusing and difficult for you...but it is NOT him.
Customer:
I always thought I was so weak because I couldn't forget as fast as I wished
Customer:
It was confusing because I really don't even like him
Customer:
after all he did, I realized he is an unhealthy person
Dr. L :
Exactly...
Dr. L :
Yes...he was an unhealthy person and he used you in a way that brought you pain and disappointment...
Dr. L :
You are not a weak person...not at all...you are human and have human needs and desires...
Dr. L :
We all want to be loved....
Dr. L :
And to love others....
Customer:
You think he actually used me?
Dr. L :
Yes...I do.
Customer:
I mean... I know he did
Customer:
ok
Dr. L :
He used you to satisfy his own needs.
Customer:
I guess he did
Dr. L :
And he did not respect you and treat you in a loving and caring manner.
Dr. L :
He put you in the same category he put all women...and that was unfair and disrespectful.
Dr. L :
He did not honor you as a woman.
Customer:
You are completely right
Dr. L :
That he is out of your life...gives you the opportunity for a healthier and more authentic life...
Customer:
I just thought that because I ended the relationship on time that he would have at least realized that I was not like all the other women
Customer:
It's not really important
Customer:
it;s just hard to realize that someone used you
Dr. L :
True...he likely did realize that you were different and that you were unwilling to be treated poorly and disrespectfully.
Customer:
it's hard to accept it
Dr. L :
You may have been the very first woman to say NO to him...
Customer:
Then again, his judgment is not the standard
Dr. L :
I'm sure it is hard...but the thing is that he was a master manipulator. But...in the end...he did not fool you! You took control of your life...something other women may not have had the strength to do!
Dr. L :
Count yourself fortunate that you took control and ended the relationship!
Dr. L :
Yes...that is a very important point...he has very different values and beliefs then you do...
Customer:
I guess, with time I will accept he used me for a little while, and I guess I need to forgive myself for that
Customer:
I blame myself for not being smart enough to stop it before it began
Customer:
What bothers mess what I think about myself
Dr. L :
Yes...over time you will accept it...and absolutely you need to forgive yourself.
Customer:
how do I forgive myself?
Dr. L :
At the same time...you stopped it as soon as you realized what was happening! Please do not forget that point!
Customer:
But from the beginning I felt something was wrong
Customer:
I wasn't sure
Customer:
but i felt it, and I ignored my intuition
Dr. L :
Accept that you are human..that you are not perfect...
Dr. L :
And so next time you will listen to your intuition and you will not ignore it!
Customer:
it felt good to feel like a woman again
Customer:
for a long time I went from work to being a Mom, and a devoted daughter
Customer:
It felt like I had "me" time
Customer:
but at a certain point I couldn't ignore my values
Customer:
that's what happened
Dr. L :
Yes....and that is part of what you have been grieving...that sense of being a woman that came from being in a romantic relationship again...
Dr. L :
And part of the lesson here is that you cannot dismiss our values...
Dr. L :
no matter what...
Dr. L :
*your
Customer:
I didn't know I was dismissing my values
Dr. L :
Correct. You were so delighted with feeling like a woman again...and having that me time..that you ignored the warning signs...
Dr. L :
You won't do that again!
Customer:
I dismissed my gut feeling about him, but I didn't know I was going to compromise my values
Dr. L :
Love is seductive...and you were seduced by him...
Customer:
That was a bad surprise
Dr. L :
Yes...
Customer:
and that bad surprise was what made me end the relationship
Dr. L :
And it will be that makes you end any relationship that goes against your values...
Customer:
If I had known better...
Customer:
I guess I needed to learn that
Dr. L :
Yes...that's a healthy way to look at it...that you needed that life lesson to make sure you pay better attention to your root values...
Customer:
now I know that "shady" is not acceptable for me
Dr. L :
We are always growing and learning...
Dr. L :
Yes...shady is not healthy!
Customer:
I still need to find a way to forgive myself
Customer:
because I feel guilty for not knowing
Customer:
for not being more careful
Customer:
for giving him the benefit of the doubt
Dr. L :
Well...can you accept that you are not perfect?
Customer:
I know I am not perfect
Customer:
But I expect more from myself
Dr. L :
Can you accept that sometimes you make a mistake..or that you can get lost in life?
Dr. L :
Yes...I understand that...
Dr. L :
And that is why you are having difficulty forgiving yourself because you set such high expectations for yourself.
Dr. L :
What would you say to a friend who had done the same thing? Would you offer her forgiveness?
Customer:
Of course!
Dr. L :
What's the difference between that friend and you?
Customer:
You are right... I don't know... I can be compassionate with a friend's mistake but I feel I should have known better
Customer:
I don't know why
Customer:
and I rationally understand what you are saying
Customer:
but I "feel" I should have done better
Customer:
I feel I failed a test
Customer:
I wouldn't feel that way about my firend
Customer:
*friend
Customer:
but I feel that way about myself
Dr. L :
So..this is something to think about...why you are so much harder on yourself then on others...and why you cannot extend compassion to yourself...
Customer:
why do you think that is?
Customer:
I have no idea
Customer:
I don't think I am better than anyone
Customer:
I just feel I am not allowed to make mistakes
Dr. L :
Well...we do tend to be set higher expectations for ourself...that is very common...but it is terribly unfair.
Dr. L :
We all make mistakes...we cannot be perfect...that is an impossibility...
Dr. L :
so we must learn to be kind to ourselves...to accept the fact that there will be times in our life when we fail...
Dr. L :
What we must do is to treat ourselves with humanity.
Customer:
I will think about that
Dr. L :
Yes...please do...
Customer:
see if I can internalize it
Dr. L :
Yes...
Customer:
I will try to be kind to myself
Customer:
thank you so much Dr. L
Dr. L :
You are very welcome!
Customer:
I will look for you again
Dr. L :
Yes..please do.
Dr. L :
Until then...I will wish you a good night!
Customer:
Good night!
Customer:
And thank you again
Customer:
You are the best!
Dr. L :
It is my honor to help you! Thank you!
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
VerifiedDr. L and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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