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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience
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My husband and I have been separated for the past 7 years,

Customer Question

My husband and I have been separated for the past 7 years, but we still maintain a relationship and we have two beautiful children. Yesterday, he told me he was not been sexually exclusive with me and that he did not want to be back with me. He indicated that I had left him for my mother and he was enjoying his life leaving on his own so that it was over. I am desperate and do not want to lose him. He swears he loves me dearly but not to live as a marriage couple again. I do not what to do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.
Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. I know this is extremely difficult for you, but it is actually good that the anger he has held in for 7 years is finally being expressed. If he wanted to marry you and be a family do you think you could leave your mother's house?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I loved him so much I want to know how can I get him back. We have to beautiful children and even though we lived in separate houses. He is afraid that once we have a disagreement I will leave him again to go to my mother. I love this man again with all my heart and he says he does too, but he stated that he is not giving up his life the way it is now for anythng and just to let him see his children. We still have a sexual relationship and he does not want this to end. He stated that it will be my choice if I want to continue or stop being with him intimately, but he is going to attend to his needs when I am not around. Yes, I want to move out of my mother's home, but he stated that he had waited so long that it wil not matter becuase we had such of different views about what is life is all about. I am very old fashion. he described himself as a free spirit.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.
I understand, dear. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and have worked with many couples over the years, married or not. I truly believe that if you and he would be willing to work on your relationship in couples therapy, there is hope that you can build a real life together. Would you be willing to do this? Do you think he would?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He was so angry that he told me he was happy and content the way he was leaving his life now and he did not want me in his life. He told me he loves and he will be there for me and the fact the he keeps in touch with me in showing how much he cares for me is the reason why I want to fight for him. He was my first love, man and boyfriend. I asked him many times when this started to happen after he cheated on me and he decline. He is not into dealing with feelings with other people. I know deep inside he loves. I want to be the woman he wants. Please help me. If he did not love me and told me I do not love you anymore I will have to leave it alone, but this is not what he said. We are going to see each other on Tuesday. I want to enjoy my time with him.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.

Well, you have some hard choices to make about what you do next. You can try to endure the relationship as it is, with no commitment or fidelity on his part. This will mean that you can continue to enjoy being with him, having sex; but you will have to accept there are others in his life, that you will never be the only woman he wants. Or you can talk with him on Tuesday about how you feel and what you truly want and ask him again to go to couples therapy. There is a chance he might agree if he feels you are sincere and that he may lose you if he is not willing to work on your relationship. If he will not agree to do so, then I strongly suggest that you see a therapist for a while to help you sort through your feelings and decide what you want and need. A therapist can also give you emotional support at this difficult time. There is no easy answer. Nor is there a right or wrong answer. It just has to be right for you. If you have any other questions or would like me to recommend therapists for you, chat back. If you are satisfied with my answer, please rate me positively and click on submit. I wish you all the best, take care, Eleanor

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Eleanor. I want to try to speak to me on Tuesday. Please let me know how I can contact so I can help myselft dealing with this situation. I want to work for my marriage even though we have not bee leaving together but I want to show him that if we love each other even with the past of time we can make it work. I know I need help before I can help fix my relationship.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.
I will be happy to talk with you on Tuesday, but it will have to be here through the site. If you rate me positively and click on submit, I will be available here on Tuesday to follow-up with you at no additional charge. I am not always on site, but will get back to you as soon as I return. Good that you realize you need help. I will be here to talk again on Tuesday. Until then, take care of yourself, Eleanor
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I really appreciate your inside. I want to get help. I need to buid up on my self-steem. I love this man as I mentioned to you and he just loves told me he loves me and can wait for Tuesday. I am so confused, but I need to seek help ASAP. I really do not want to lose him. You made me feel so comfortable and was able to open up to you and be honest to what is going on. Thank you.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.
You are very welcome; I am pleased that you found my answer helpful. Please rate me positively and click on submit. Then on Tuesday you may follow-up with me on this Q&A. Thanks and take care, Eleanor