Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

I have a friend. We both go to medical school together. He

has helped me go through...
I have a friend. We both go to medical school together. He has helped me go through thick and thin. He helped me sorting through a fickle relationship between me and my now ex boyfriend. I've known for a while that I had more than just feelings of friendship towards him but I was always afraid to pursue them. I also wanted to give my then BF another chance (which did not work in the end). The friend withdrew from my life completely when I decided to be with my now Ex and he also pursued a relationship with another lady. I'm currently single, going through Board exam study mode and rotations. The friend recently moved to another location for his medical rotations (2-3 hours away from our main campus). Before he left he and I spent time together catching up. It's as if we never stopped being friends. We even kissed but I stopped it before it went any further since I wanted to sort things out with my Ex, and I wanted a proper dating relationship with this friend and more than just a one night stand for which I'll regret. Before he left for his rotations, I told him how I felt about him. He said that even though he clearly has feelings for me that would be more than just sentiments of a friend, he is infatuated with the girl he's currently trying to be with. The girl is currently on a fishing boat in Alaska, and she's scheduled to return at the end of August. Until then she (as per my friend's account) been on fence and won't give him a straight answer about where Their relationship stands. He doesn't even know if she feels the same as he does for her. Needless to say, I withdrew my friendship and told him that I cannot be his friend since clearly I want more than that and I won't be that good friend, who hears about how he's pining for another. I told him that if he wants friendship with me or anything else, he'll have to reach out. What shall I do? I miss him terribly. Neither distance nor time have been great at healing or helping me forget about him or what he means to me. Although I refuse to be the other woman, or to stand in line for him, I can't help but miss him. I want to do more but I don't know what. I don't want to lose him, but I know I can't be his friend.
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 1 hour by:
8/4/2012
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Verified

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I can imagine the kind of emotional turmoil you are experiencing.

Dr. L :

You have wisely established boundaries for yourself, yet these same boundaries come at an emotional cost.

Dr. L :

From my vantage point, I encourage you to be steadfast in the boundary you have set regarding being unwilling to be his "friend" while he pines for this other lady. You are correct in your assertion that you could not be sympathetic or supportive to him. I am impressed by your own understanding of your values and morals here in saying No to taking this position.

Dr. L :

I do think you were absolutely right in throwing the ball back to his side of the court and announcing that he must reach out to you. It would do you little good to chase after him knowing how he wants to wait for this lady to return from Alaska. The likely outcome if you had pursued him would have been hurt feelings. And....if his heart is connected to her...he would not be emotionally "free" to really explore a relationship with you...as you already suggested what you may have experienced was superficial romance and nothing more.

Dr. L :

It is far better for you to allow him to exhaust his pursuit of the other lady and let it take its course...

Dr. L :

So...what to do about your current feelings of loneliness and missing and wanting to be in a love relationship with him.

Dr. L :

There is nothing stopping you from sending a card, email, or text...every so often just to keep the lines of communication open and to indicate that you are still "out there" wanting to be part of his life.

Dr. L :

Surely there are many professional and personal topics to write about and to invite his comment on. Saying, I miss you, is certainly appropriate for many reasons - especially to keep honesty flowing between you.

Dr. L :

I don't think "forgetting about him" ought to be your aim. Rather...I suggest that the aim ought to be how to keep communicating with him in a way that is about reality not fantasy and is about the here and now rather than the future.

Dr. L :

I see that you are offline right now. When you come online I will be notified. We can chat then.

Dr. L :

I await your response.

JACUSTOMER-i7gnq2sq- :

Thanks

JACUSTOMER-i7gnq2sq- :

I'm sorry I had to leave for a while

JACUSTOMER-i7gnq2sq- :

I agree with you, and I'll be patient and let him contact me.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

Thanks for responding.

Dr. L :

If you should ever want to chat again, just ask for me by name and I will be notified.

Dr. L :

Yes..patience in this case is likely best. But I also want you to feel free to drop him a "friendship" card...just to say you are thinking about him...hoping his rotation goes well...that sort of friendly banter. Keeping the door open sayings that you are not angry with him, that you do want to communicate, that you do care about his life....

Dr. L :

And the fact is that you do care! And you are hopeful that someday soon you can resume a relationship with him.

Dr. L :

Thanks again for responding.

Dr. L :

I wish you well...

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Verified
Dr. L and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Dr. L Your Own Question
Dr. L
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
1,168 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Dr. L is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,714 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

1,168 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

336 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
I'm in a distance relationship that is falling a part.
Hi I'm in a long distance relationship that is falling a part. Actually its engagement not relationship. I'm 27 years old Iraqi woman and he's 37 years old Egyptian man, we met while working for Inter… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My daughter won't let me see my granddaughter, who is 2 1/2,
My daughter won't let me see my granddaughter, who is 2 1/2, for the last six months. My time up until then with the baby was very restricted by them. They brought the child to visit family living nea… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My boyfriend has been working 2 jobs for the last 6 weeks
My boyfriend has been working 2 jobs for the last 6 weeks (he's got the second job only to help his family) Before that our relationship was amazing... but now he's tired and stressed all the time. He… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
How do you know if you are in love or if you love someone,
How do you know if you are in love or if you love someone, and how do you know if they love you? (Hypothetical). I have felt love - romantic love, and love of family, or friends. Can you tell? If you … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
I started dating a man I met online, about 3 months ago. I
Hello. I started dating a man I met online, about 3 months ago. I insisted on taking the physical aspect slowly, since I do not take that lightly He has been compleunderstanWe talk every day and he te… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
What does it mean when a married man is saying he had no
What does it mean when a married man is saying he had no idea what he was doing he wasn't trying to hurt you he didn't know what an emotional affair meant or was and I had to explain that was what was… read more
Dr Ted Manos
Dr Ted Manos
Self Employed
MD
762 satisfied customers
My question is - I have been dating very casually for 3
My question is - I have been dating very casually for 3 years a man who comes and goes. We only see each other once a month or sometimes not even. We have a great time together however it is going now… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
How to get a leo man back. Well, i like a guy once ive been
Well, i like a guy once ive been knowing him for so long and i tried to see if he was ready for a relationship … read more
Mary Baker
Mary Baker
Owner
BA
2 satisfied customers
I have a problem with my relationship, can you help me to
Hi , i have a problem with my relationship, can you help me to sort out … read more
Martin
Martin
Electrical engineer
Bachelor's Degree
486 satisfied customers
My relationship with my girlfriend has been rocky recently,
Hello, my relationship with my girlfriend has been rocky recently, and I need advice whether or not we should break up … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
How do I handle anxiety, specifically with jealousy? I am in
Second opinion] Hi, How do I handle anxiety, specifically with jealousy? I am in a LDR (long distance relationship) with a woman from Indonesia (I'm Australian). She is sociable whereas I'm not so. Wh… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
I have a problem. I have boyfriend that is 11 years older
Hello, I have a problem. I have boyfriend that is 11 years older than me and has 2 children. I really fall in love with him and felt amazing with him like never before. after some time he has become v… read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Doctoral Degree
385 satisfied customers
I am having issues with my 23 yr old son whom got involved
Second opinion] I am having issues with my 23 yr old son whom got involved with a 29 yr old woman 3 yrs ago and this woman used a my friendship that I gave her when I first met her. I met her in 2014 … read more
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD
Doctor
Doctoral Degree
336 satisfied customers
Hubby and I, (both retired), our whole immediate family, are
Hubby and I, (both retired) , our whole immediate family, are socially isolated. I started going to church just for the socialization factor. I picked a church with a younger crowd. (To be honest I am… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
This is not me, but only a hypothetical example: a woman and
This is not me, but only a hypothetical example: a woman and man get married in their mid twenties, they are both monogamous and have Christian faith, they in their forties realize they do not have a … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My husband and I are on the verge of separation because he
My husband and I are on the verge of separation because he refuses to support my attempts at discipline and boundaries for his adult son (he's 19) who still lives with us. He continues to drink and sm… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
I texted my ex that i miss him but he did not reply. Should
i texted my ex that i miss him but he did not reply … read more
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD
Doctor
Doctoral Degree
336 satisfied customers
Everywhere online that I read it says that as soon as she
Everywhere online that I read it says that as soon as she says “I love you, but I'm not in love with you” it's pretty much done. Now, we just broke up 3 weeks ago. So my wound is still very fresh but … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x