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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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You repliedFriday, August 03, 2012 10:39 PM EST Dear dr.

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You repliedFriday, August 03, 2012 10:39 PM EST
Dear dr. Paige,

Thank you for this anwer. You did not say nothing about the old pain that came up and the fact that all his lying about the porn and old issue has me so down because of distrust. (that whole year porn while i was in the next room lets me feel as if i'm sleeping with the enemie. He lied then and now lies again i feel so naieve! so backstabbed.

For instance he said he thought i would get mad and i don't understand how you can love someone and be so eager to check out other mating woman with the thougt in you that you're doning something to get the lovedone mad. The old issue was an girlfriend he had before our marriage that he lied about the intimacy of that relationship. i know a little now by asking afther the porn and because of the time he says he doesn't remember much, he thinks it was for 3 weeks. We where living in diferent countries then and had a relationship from a distance. he keeps saying it was "just" an affaire but i feel we becan our marriage on a lie!
I understand how you feel about all of this. Look at it like this; you cannot change what he has done, you can't change the past. All you have control over is the present which in turn will influence your future. SO where do you go from here? Do you mistrust him enough to leave him? Ask yourself what if anything he can do to make your pain go away, or at the very least to help you recover from it. Is there anything HE can do for you? If so, then you need to ask him to please help you with the hurt this has caused you by doing these things. If you think there is nothing at all he can ever do to help you with the pain you are feeling, then what are you going to do about that now? Knowing that you can't change anything that has happened, what would make you happy right now in the present moment?
It may be beneficial to you to separate from him for a short period of time, if that is feasible for you to do so. If you have a family member or friend you can stay with for maybe a week or two, it can sometimes help to take yourself away from the direct situation and seeing him all the time, to having some time for you to reflect on all of this and decide what type of attitude you are going to have about this going forward. The past will never go away, it's how you handle the future that matters. You have to be a strong and confident person for yourself and no one else. Find your own confidence. As I said before, it isn't you. You did not cause this to happen in any way at all. It is not personal. It is hard for us women to understand this because it is how we look at the world, but it is not how men view things at all.
Talk to him and explain in a calm and nice manner how this has effected you. He is probably embarrassed about it which is why he never told you about it. Don't bring it up to point fingers at him and accuse him of things. Tell him that you are very sad and depressed about how this made you feel and that it is his responsibility to help you feel better and help the pain. Even if he doesn't see things your way, which he never will, he should at least be able to work with you to figure out how you both can move on from this.
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