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Ask psychlady Your Own Question
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My boyfriend is ill both mentally and physically I went into

Customer Question

My boyfriend is ill both mentally and physically I went into the relationship thinking
with just enough love and patience and enough just being there for him all would get better. 3 years later I am a nervous wreck wse have had numerous public scenes...he hates my family (siting their "prejudice") which really comes from their experiences of me trying to make everything right all the time by catering to him and his needs...He has talked me out of 4 or 5 jobs or possible jobs and he is not working though he'd love to. (Health reasosns) I need time to myself by now to heal because I nolonger act or feel like myself..I love him and feel totally responsable for his health and well being. I can't take the guilt I can't take the constant recriminations..when I say I need to get better he says just let the past go and everything will be fine but I see I will fall right back into the same old dance of catering to him to keep the peace and tyhat is not healthy relationship. I wanna go out on my own for a while maybe forever dependin g on how well he manages to heal himself...and I myself. I feel it may be imposible to ever have things right wioth my family. I need to talk to someone..
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

I can answer your question although this is a not formal therapy. You have indicated that this is not a healthy relationship and from what you describe I would agree with you. What is troubling however is that you recognize that this is not healthy but you still feel the need to be responsible for his health. No one is responsible for someone else's health. We all as human beings need to be totally accountable for our health. By feeling you are responsible you run the risk of always feeling obligated over having a normal giving relationship. Until you own only your part of this conflict you will always feel it is necessary to fix all the problems and cater to his abusive personality. In fact he is responsible for his own self and anything that comes with that.

You need to decide what you need to do and how that is best for you. If leaving eventually brings you peace of mind then that is what you should do. As long as you have to cater to him you can't fix yourself. His ability to constantly ruin things in your life indicates how selfish he is. You need to take care of you first.

As far as your family they will forgive you if you are on your own. They will begin to see that you made bad choices but that is in the past. Families always come around but you have to do the right thing first.

Please press excellent service so I am compensated for my time unless I can be of further service

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Here's where my crazy hops in...I'm hoping he will get well and my family can forgive him and then we can see where things lie..or at least he gets better..I know if I am happy they will be happy for me. Even he as controling and manipulative as he is (conciously or not) wants me to be happy. He keeps telling me to make up my mind and decide one way or another to stay or go..then goes in to hysterics the moment he thinks I may decide to go...even for a break...that I am throwing him away and that he dosen't deserve that..that he is a decient person..etc.HE says I'm going about things completely wrong here.That I should be at home and we can talk things out calmly. He doesn't like what is happening and fears my leaving more than anything.
I live in fear of his responce and his crushed heart which is just one more in a long line of tragedies visited upon him by life. I cannot sta I cannot GO.

I realize what you say ..and I cannot be anygood to anyone if I am not healthy. I keep seeking permission..rational behavior from him though I know he will only be rational if he gets what he wants..he says he will give me everything I need..but I need to leave.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
You want what may not be possible. You can't change someone whose values is in abusing you. Your family will be happy for you but probably when you are treated well. The gap may be widening because they may see what you can't. He wants you to make up your mind because this allows him the luxury of knowing you will stay under these terms. He is playing games that keep you there. You are simply going about things in a honest way. That means he may not be able to do the same thing. If he is scared of you leaving, he has to offer a stable and loving relationship. He can't be fearful and treat you badly. You are not responsible for his tragedies. If he is facilitating this love/hate relationship then you have to move on and he will take care of himself. He chooses to not be rational. Leave and focus on you!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanky you for your help...
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Best wishes