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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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GDay Dr. Paige, Cindy called me and we talked for hours 3

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G'Day Dr. Paige, Cindy called me and we talked 3 nights in a row..then nothing 2 days, I left msg. she called back. She reassured me that she only wants to be friends, again..she also told me the other guy and her had split and he is seeing someone else and she seems so concerned about that. I asked if she sees a little codependency.why should she be concerned about who he is seeing? It's his business. I told her I want her to feel comfortable talking to me about anything, that is being a friend. She said they have not seen each other in awhile but I saw his truck at her house 3 nights right before she told me this. Also, she said they are not having anymore contact but then said he was coming over to use her computer for couple hours...she reassured me that her and I were nothing more than friends and she is hesitant about seeing me because she does not want it to go back to the way it was before...she said she does not want to hold me back. Now, I just sent her a txt msg. saying: Like I told you before, the attraction I "had" is no longer there. If you believe me and still want to try being friends then fine. If not, then there is nothing more I can say"...what do you think? I have always heard, people are attracted to what they can't have...maybe I have been to available?
Hello. I'm on my out for an appointment. I will get on your question as soon as I return. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you :)
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
That is quite alright..we all have engagements to keep, thanks for letting me know.. :)
Ok I'm back. It's funny because I found some irony in your statement "and he is seeing someone else and she seems so concerned about that. I asked if she sees a little codependency.why should she be concerned about who he is seeing? It's his business."
Don't you think you are the one who has been more than concerned about who SHE is seeing? Just an observation.
I also think that it is not true that people are "attracted" to what they can't have, it's more of a personal challenge that some people are eager to conquest. It doesn't work that way with everyone.
I can completely see how she thinks that you want more, because you do. You can't tell me that if she were to change her mind completely and throw herself at you that you would resist her! If she is as over confident as you say, of course she is going to see that ANY man is going to want more from her. Not only that, but the fact that a lot of your conversations are focused around relationships, she can see your concern about this other man and can read it. Maybe you can't hide things as well as you think you can? Again..just an observation :)
Everything you have said here makes perfect sense to me as far as her responses.
I've always said, you have your hands full with this woman. She sounds very interesting to say the least!
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have a friend that seems to think Cindy was trying to come back around, in other words, was trying to talk to me and see if maybe I have worked on things about myself that were an issue preventing us from really getting together before. I will admit that I have not worked on things as I should. I am pondering over the No Contact Rule. After the txt msg. I sent last, she sent msg. saying friendship is just fine...I am trying not to read too much into that. I replied, great..that is all I when you can. she replied: OK
My friend thinks I should have no contact for a few months to work on myself. It is so hard to not want contact at all because I really do love her and can't stand the thought of losing her altogether. One part of me feels that being friends is better than nothing at all..I miss her and am so confused. She said she does not want to hold me back and is afraid that her seeing me will prevent me from pursuing someone else..problem is...I don't want anyone else! I know, I am a sick pup. :(
Well, no you aren't a sick pup, you just need to make a decision. Look at it like this; she isn't going to want a relationship with you unless you work on yourself. Your friend is right in that you should heed the no contact rule and work on you. You have to decide what your ultimate goal is and the sacrifices you have to make to reach it. If not having contact at all with her for a few months is worth the possible "prize" of a relationship, isn't it worth it? I say possible, because it doesn't guarantee anything. Nothing is guaranteed in life!
She may or may not be wanting you to do this, but in either case, you should work on you FOR YOU and have that attitude about it.
If you continue being friends as you are now, what are the possibilities you will still reach that goal? Weigh the pros and cons of each scenario and make a decision based on that. She knows you want her. That is never going to change. It doesn't matter how much you tell her and yourself that you don't have an attraction for her anymore, both of you can see right through that!
So, look at both situations and make your decision based on your conclusions. There is no right and wrong here, its what you feel is best to do for you.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
You are right again! That is why I keep coming back to you for advise.. ;) Okay, I have thought about it and know that the best thing for me to do is no contact and work on question: should I tell her that I am doing this and won't be contacting her for awhile? also, what if she contacts me? I am going to start on a book titled Finding Peace, Letting Go and Liking It by Paula Peisner Coxe and the one Co-Dependant No More by you have any other suggestions? Thank you!
I think those are good book selections. Yes, you should tell her you are doing this, but say it is for you and make sure she doesn't think it's for her. As far as if she contacts you, this is something you may want to cover in the conversation where you explain to her that you are going to take some time for yourself and are limiting contact with some friends. You don't want any confusion or misinterpretations about the situation.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Dr. Paige, Cindy and I have been talking...I know, probably not the best thing...She invited me over last night, I brought food that I picked up at restaurant...There was plenty left over, two large plates of food, one for her and one for me and I had to go somewhere right after and knew I would not be home for hours so I asked her to keep in the fridge. I later asked her if I could come by and pick up...She said that was rude to bring a gift and expect them to keep it until later for you...I asked if I could come by later this evening to pick up...She also said when it is a woman you are interested in dating that is a big turn off...I said, you have made it clear you do not want to date me, so just being friends I didn't see the harm in dropping by to pick up at a later time. She made a big deal about it....She acted like that was my excuse of coming back over and her being a single woman what makes me think she would be home on a Friday night...I told her that i was not trying to come by and stay awhile and that it was none of my business who she sees or what she is doing.. she even offered to leave food on porch for me to pick up later...I said an animal, ants could get in it...she even ate my slice of chocolate pie...I got upset and said Look, when someone is nice enough to bring you a good meal and are just friends I didn't think it would be a big deal in dropping by for just two minutes to pick up later...but since it is, I said, you can eat it, throw away or give to your dog...I don't care.....She said, I am going to let you go now and hung up.....God, she is so critical of me and I really didn't see harm in what I did...was it rude to leave food left over and expect to be able to come by and pick up later? She makes me feel bad. She said in the future for women I may be interested in dating that is rude, a big urn off and not to do...I told her I thought we were just friends and didn't see harm in at the time...what do you think? Also, I even asked her to go to Disneyworld with me and I would pay for and brought a DVD of vacation planning of to show her, I told her I would get two beds so she would not feel like I was expecting, is that being a good friend or what? Is there a way to possibly smooth this one over with her? It makes me feel like I screw up with her every way I turn when I am trying to be nice..I also noticed when I was over last night that I sat on opposite end of sofa from her to show her that I was not trying to make any moves in the romance dept. and a few minutes later while talking, she moved over next to me...she had something to show me...I think she is still attracted to me and just is not willing to admit it...But from what she said today, I have blown any chance of her wanting to date me...I made her feel like I thought we were just friends because I said she has made it clear that she does not want to date me...She confuses the H*** out of me!
YOu shouldn't be talking to her because this is the kind of thing that happens!! She obviously knows that you want something more from her, so she is probably never ever going to act like a friend to you. The Disney World vacation I think is WAY more than you should be expecting from her at this point. I think that she has some bipolar tendencies and you should always stand your ground with her. She is unrealistic in her expectations of you and probably others in her life. I think she endlessly tests you and that isn't fair to do to you. I fear that your relationship with her is just going to be this over and over again. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold. I don't see much changing unless something drastic happens, like you cutting her out of your life for awhile.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Okay, I am starting to see and understand better what you have been trying to tell me about no contact. It is just that she sounded so sweet and excited to hear from me on the phone when we started talking again, I couldn't tell her I thought it best to have no contact for awhile at the time...It is hard to not want to talk to her. I love her and just this morning when she left me a voice mail, she ended it by saying..I love you...That was before our last phone conversation.

Should I tell her basically that I think her expectations are too high of me and not realistic? And that she keeps testing me and expecting me to jump through hoops? And as far as the Disneyworld vacation she seemed like she really wanted to go.
You can do what you want, but just be prepared about what kind of result you are going to get. Sometimes she will seem wonderful and other times she will be mean. Your Disney vacation could be great, it could be miserable ! She may have some hormonal issues going on at her age it is entirely possible. I think you should tell her how you feel and be honest. Even if its not the greatest thing to tell someone. You have your flaws, we all do, but the way she is just so back and forth is not normal. I just don't see a lot of hope for you to ever have a happy relationship with this woman on any level. As I said before, if you keep going like this, nothing is likely to change unless she does or you do something drastic like the no contact. I think you are wasting your time in seeking anything further with her. Even if you were to start seeing each other again, how long could you live like this ??
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Good morning Dr. Paige, I just wanted to give you an update; After the last dissappointing meeting with Cindy and the way she acted i see that she was being petty about my dropping by to pick up leftovers. First of all..she tried saying that I was being presumptious and rude for wanting to come by and pick me, if I had have dropped by unannounced, that may be the calling in advance and Asking...I don't think so, I feel it was her being petty...Since then, I found out the guy she was seeing was in the hospital and had surgery..she let him come stay at her house after he was released from hospital...She had been telling me they were nothing more than friends now...give me a break...I am not stupid. He has been staying at her house from the hospital for over a week now..He also is not even employed at the time...

I see all of this big blow up with her was only an excuse to get rid of me because she knew he was going to be back..staying there again. I have three different women interested in me, two which are younger, 39 yrs old the other is older and ready to settle down. I plan to see all three and have fun for a change. Not break any hearts but to prove to myself that i know I have still got it and deserve much better than the treatment I was getting from Cindy. I have finally reached the point that enough is enough. I know she has been playing mind games and cannot even be honest with herself, much less me or anyone else. i feel sorry for her in one sense but frankly, I have no desire to ever see her again and will not initiate anymore contact. It took me a long time to reach this point but I feel so much better for having done so..

YEAY! I'm so glad for you!!! If Cindy gets upset at some point and tries to call you and get you back in her circle, I hope you stand up and have the attitude that you do right now. As I said before, sometimes it takes just getting pissed off to take action! I wish you luck with your dating experiences. Keep me posted :)
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