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DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience:  20+ years of counseling experience, Wife & Mother
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I divorced my husband who controlled me over 18 years. We got

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I divorced my husband who controlled me over 18 years. We got married when I was 19 and now I am 44. I had 4 girls by my husband they are all grown up. I went to college and became a teacher. He did not really want me to go to college or work. I participated in all my girls extra activities. You name it , I was there. I wanted to be a nurse but i taught my husband and 2 of my daughters how to read. So, he told me to become a school teacher so i did. I had a car accisdent in 1995 which left one of my daughters paralyzed. We won a lawsuit set up for her. My husband was like the first overseerer of the trust. He started spending money on other women, going on trips, mistreating me and the girls. We had bought a beautiful home and 2 cars with some of that money. He bouhgt him a boat, motorcycle and jewelry. I tried to talk to him but he acted as if he hated me. When the older girls moved out he humiliated me. I begged him to stop Later I filed bankrupt and left him. I told the bank how he was spending the money and they took it and started letting my daughter get it. I finally met someone new but he is married and wants a divorce. His wife will not divorce him. They had been separated for 15 yrs. But she is getting alimony for a legal separation. We are having financial problems. Then he has a daughter who he is paying child support for. She is 15 and her mom wants more money because she dont want him to be with me. He gives her 450 a month but she wants more. My four girls are mad with me because their dad is manipulating them about me. sometimes they are for me and other times they are against me. My daughter who is paralyzed went as far as having me move back in with her to help her. When i did, she told me to move out within 2 months because she wanted her boyfriend back. She only asked me to come back because she thought thatthey would take her baby away from her. When I made everything alright, she put me out. I was stable for 3 yrs after leaving their father. My other girls thought that it was funny along with my ex. I dont think my baby girl did. She is with me. Me and my boyfriend are strong believers in the lord and are trying to do the right thing. Why is everything going so bad for us?
Hello! Please remember that my responses are informational only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.

I'd like to help you, but can you first answer this question:

What exactly does your pastor mean by "you don't need anybody" in your life right now?

Thanks ---
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well, I am a minister in training, so is my boyfriend. We both want to get married but we are in a financial bind. He is a trucker. He was living in his truck and I had an apartment until I moved with my daughter to help her, thinkin That I would also save money. We tried living apart because of our titles and then we did not want to offend anyone buy we were homeless. I then moved back into a nice apartment. He is now helping me with my finances but now his daughters mom is mad because she wants even more money. I asked my pastor what should we do and he says that I need to be by myself and that the lord wll send me someone.
You mean he thinks that you should not be in a relationship with your boyfriend? I'm still not understanding why? Is there something that he sees in your relationship that's not good for you?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am guessing that is what it is. He is saying that since we are having so many problems with trying to be married right now that maybe God is not in it because my friend is having a hard time trying to get a divorce.He dont think that the lord will not make it this complicating. So he says to wait and maybe the right man will come along without all the kaoss. But I love lynwood and he loves me.
Have you asked God directly about this relationship? If so, what do you think He is telling you?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I think thel lord has blessed me with him but i dont know why my girls, my ex and my pastor are so unhappy
Those are good questions.

The ex does not get a vote for sure, he was abusive and does not have your best interest at heart.

If the Pastor is someone that you trust, then I think his words are worth seriously considering, but I'd still run what the Pastor says by God. ;)

Your daughters, I'm not so sure. Do you think what they say comes from a place of concern for you or from their own issues?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My daughters likes my boyfriend. They are mad at me because they can not talk ugly to me anymore. I use to be their friend instead of their mother because i wanted them to just love me. The pastor is my uncle. He dont want anything to happen to me. He is a bit old fashion and believes that divorce is not what the lord wants. If i leave it up to him, I will be by myself until Jesus comes. My mother on the other hand is very happy for me but she is disappointed with the girls because she knows about all abuse that I had taken. My pastor likes my ex, he puts big money into that church. My girls love him when he gives them money.
I see --that context sure explains a lot.

It sounds like you need to listen to what you think the Lord is telling you in this situation.

And, as far as your original question goes (why is everything going so bad for us), a lot of it sounds like it's related to the behavior of the people around you. I'm not saying that you didn't make any mistakes, because we all do, but you were a victim of abuse in your first marriage.

It sounds like now you are doing everything you can to build a life for yourself. Maybe you need to wait a little longer to get married, but you haven't said anything yet that indicates that you shouldn't be in this relationship.
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