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Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Hi Cathy or whomever; My question to you is what do I do to

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Hi Cathy or whomever;
My question to you is what do I do to get back on the right track after having a blowout with my sister, she is extremely upset with me and has turned my mom and sisterinlaw against me too. I don't understand why people are so soft and cannot take what they dish out. Do I just sit back as if nothing has happened and hope that someday it will be alright? Thanks for any input..Clou

This is Psychlady. You never have to do nothing when it comes to resolving conflict. You only have to accept that their response is not within your control. I would make quite an effort to make peace with your sister. You can only do that by finding a way to offer an apology that will be special to her. It is difficult not knowing her but you will at least be taken notice of if you offer an apology in a way that will melt her heart. If she is not receptive then you know she is not open to this yet. Sometimes making an apology after giving the other person some time is more effective. Sitting back may be taken as accepting the situation and that is not the way to resolve anything. Instead be proactive and show her that you are able to apologize and you miss the relationship you had with her.

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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have never had a good relationship with my sister and that is why I got angry with her in the first place. She treats me very badly and has always been in competition with me. She has to always be right and never values my opinion on any thing. I did apologize over voice mail for my reaction to her behavior and her being a 63 year old gal, goes and calls our mom who is 85, and cries on her shoulder about how nasty I was to her. I'm sorry but I feel as though I cannot re-inforce that kind of behavior. Everytime I am the one that is the peacemaker and my observation is it feeds in to her narcistic personality and makes her more disrepectful of me. I just may have to write her a letter after things die down a bit is this is a good way to handle it??
Hi, I am sorry I missed you. I think what psychlady said is helpful but given your history I so think you should write that letter. Let me know if I can help with that letter. All my best, Cathy
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Cathy; so glad to hear from you again! I would most definitely like your help with writing the letter to my sister being you have an overall view of the situation. What should I say? I am sorry or what ?? Thanks for any info..Clou
You know without knowing what the argument was about I would say no to apologies. I think you are so bright and so insightful that it would be fine to just write what you feel and how her actions have hurt you. You know that she is probably going to brush you off and deny that she is selfish, but I also think it would be good for you to get it out there and read her the score. I know from reading your posts that you are a kind person so I have no worries that you will scrawl off some adolescent rant to her. I also know that you have learned a lot being her sister (not the best way to learn things but yes you have learned so much from being her sister). I do not think you can come out and say.........Look Sis, being your sister has taught me volumes because you are just so self centered and so self absorbed, but you can say that you wished she would consider your feelings more when she acts and understand that what she does has such an impact on you. Now you and I know that part of why this hurts so very much is that you love her and I know that you love her a lot. I would say, in your voice and in your words, that it "hurts" you a lot when she behaves as she does, because you love her and as adults you expect more from her. I think you are entitled to say this and I think it is good for you to assert yourself.
I do not know if this helps you but I had/and still have a client in a situation like yours. About three years ago my client's sister visited my client and her elderly mother on a trip from her home on the West Coast. My client's sister wrote my client a scathing letter criticizing my client on so many points. It was so heartbreaking that my client sat in my office and wept. So, my client asked me what to do and I recommended she write back and say....."Thank you M. I appreciate your input. Wishing you all the best, XXXXX XXXXX". You know since then the sister has never again behaved as she did before and moreover my client (whom I admire so much and think so brave) has become so much more assertive (in a healthy and calm way) in all areas of her life.
Clou, you are no one's emotional doormat. I think in a calm and kind and healthy way you can pen a letter to your sister and stick to your guns. No one has a right to treat you poorly. At the same time, be kind and caring to her. She is your sister and somehow she became the person she is out of some type of limitation or damage. You know this of her and she does not, so treat her kindly and with compassion and I think perhaps she might knock off the diva stuff and hear you> If not, you gave it your best shot and that is all you can do. I know you love her and hope that she will come "around" but do not be disappointed if she does not. Just do the best you can with this. AND I think good for you for setting some limits with her and speaking up for yourself. None of us like to have conflicts for others, but it was time overdue for you to stand up and not be your sister's punching bag any longer.
Let me know how it goes and I am hoping this all turns out well. You have nothing to lose.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cathy (hope you get this and not a different expert)

Thankyou again for you input, I will write the letter and do it with compassion and great thought. Now, my mother is treating me like a doormat but that's another story in itself. I think it's because I have always been there for her and she uses me to vent her frustrations as my dad has alhzheimers so he's not there for her anymore. I really need to learn how to be assertive I guess. I will let you know how things turn out..Clou :)

Thank you Clou for writing back to me. I will keep you in my thoughts and yes I think you are doing the right thing. I trust that you will write a thoughtful and mature letter as I have read your posts and it does sound to me as if you are on top of this. Do drop me a line and let me know how this goes for you and of course I know that you do not expect a speedy resolution or good conclusion to this, and yet at the same time, overdue for you to write that letter and express your feelings. I know this is so difficult for you, but I think your instincts are so on target. You are in my thoughts. You have all my best wishes in such a troubling situation. I think you are doing the best you can with such a tough situation. Best wishes to you, Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you