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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi, me and my boyfriend split up 5 months ago after nearly

Customer Question

Hi, me and my boyfriend split up 5 months ago after nearly a year together, we've known each other as friends for a year before that and we had a wonderful relationship together, timing was really bad as he has a daughter that lives 100 miles away and so was planning to move away before we got together, but he changed his plans and didn't go last summer as he had originally planned, but at the beginning of this car he said he would move no later than July this year and asked if i would move with him. I also have a daughter and am currently studying a degree so i said i would move next year after i had finished studying. from the moment he set a date to leave our relationship became strained, i pushed him to spend more time with me as i thought it was important to make sure we had a relationship became that was worth me moving away from all my friends and family for, but he thought that would make it harder for us as we would have to spend a year apart. he ended the relationship after an argument when we went to visit his daughter, we went out for a day with the kids and were going to all spend the night in a hotel together as a treat for the kids, but i wanted it as much as the kids did. unfortunately the kids did not behave and so he said he and his daughter were going back to his friends house. i was angry with him for alone in the hotel and said i had dine this for him because i thought it was important to get to know his daughter and that i couldn't believe he would there alone without even apologizing and expect me to give up everything i had to move down there when he couldn't even put in some effort to spend one night with me. i regretted it immediately but we never had a chance to resolve things, i had to leave to come home the next morning and he was spending another week there with his friends and daughter. when he came home a week later he said he couldn't do it anymore, that he loved me but it was just too hard and he needed to focus on his daughter. he said we would be friends and that he would never forget me and that i was an amazing person and none of this fault and he was sorry that things had turned out this way. i made the usual mistakes of begging for another chance and that just pushed him further away. we ate still talking and the last month or so we have been talking more but face to face it is still very awkward. he had a leaving party last week which he invited me to but we spent all evening at opposite ends of the room catching each others eye every now and then and then looking away, i finally plucked up the courage to go over to him before i left and was ready to say a sad goodbye but he said he didn't want to do it in front of all our friends and would like to go for a drink before he leaves. I'm really pleased that i get to see him one more time and feel better about saying a private good bye rather than in front of all our friends, but i am still very much in love with him and i think we could work but i don't know how he feels and i don't know if i should tell him how i feel before he leaves or if i should let it go or if i should just wait and stay in touch and visit him once he has settled and tell him how i feel then. he's a wonderful man and i know i am lucky to have him as a friend and i don't want to lose him, but i think we could be happy together.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

The problem is that you both want different things and you may get your hopes up by being friends instead of lovers. He has the goal of developing a relationship with his daughter and you have the hope that there is a relationship with you and him. That can lead to hurt feelings for both you but especially you. Sometimes women stay in friendships because they think the relationship will return to romantic. But what happens is that the guy sees you as a friend and only maintains contact under these circumstances. I don't want to see anyone get their feelings hurt and this may be that kind of situation. If you maintain this friendship then you take the chance that he will never move from being a friend. The question is do you want to take that chance or just break the ties now. It is better to have had this conversation without others around but are you hoping for more when he is not. When you say you will be happy together does that mean that you want a future as sexual partners. You can structure this friendship as something positive but in the end you want to be together. You have to be aware that you don't want to be really friends so it worth the risk.

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
we were friends before and i really do value his friendship but yes i would like it to be more, i care for him a lot and i want him to be happy and i certainly don't want to stand in the way of him developing a relationship with his daughter, and i will continue to support him through this as i have been. my question is more that i am unsure of his feelings, he hasn't spoken to anyone but our friends have said he has not been happy since we split and i can't help but feel that he didn't want to choose between me and his daughter but felt that he could not have both as i am here and she is there, i don't think he believed a long distance relationship was fair on me, and i don't think he thought i really wanted to move away from all my family and friends and that he thought this would be better for both of us in the end. we didn't talk about it enough for him to really know how i feel or for me to know how he feels, but after some time apart i have given it a lot of thought and would be happy to make a life down there with him. the problem i have is whether i should tell him or keep it to myself. i don't want to risk not trying because maybe he feels the same but doesn't know how to tell me. but equally i don't want to damage the relationship we have worked so hard to rebuild over the last couple of months by revealing my true feelings, would that be unfair on him and put him in a difficult situation?
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Having to choose could very well being the reason. He may feel an obligation to his daughter and this has left himself open to being unhappy. Sometimes relationships end because of timing. I would tell him how you feel because otherwise you will not know the outcome. He may be in a difficult decision but if he doesn't know then he can't make a informed decision. If you want this relationship then do what is best - tell him

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