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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7621
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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hello i have been married for 26 years and with my partner

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hello i have been married for 26 years and with my partner for 30.He has developed apparantly a cloes friendship with another woman i was ok with this when it was just random txting but now its 30 times a day plus and phone calls too.I have asked him to reduce this but he says what you problem im not doin anything wrong,maybe he isnt he has promised me faithfully its nothing. i cant get my head round this its the amount of contact they have im not happy with.I have spoken to friends in passing and our daughter who knows everything every person says its wrong. im so unhappy with the arguements ive spoken to the woman concerned who says its innocent too her partner is ill and im truly sorry for tha but i feel shes got feelings for my husband and he has for her because after he found out i rang her he demanded i put it right or he wouid leave.Am i being unreasonable? i feel like im being taken for a complete idiot. jean.I forgot to say that inbox and out box messages are always deleted i feel ashamed to tell you i have checked.
-- You can feel free to share this with your husband as a professional opinion and not just the viewpoint of a friend or other family member:

The very moment that you felt uncomfortable with the relationship between him and this woman, his duty to you as his wife, in keeping with his vows to you on the day you married, would have been to stop.

The relationship between a husband and wife or any partners that promise to 'love & cherish' each other 'until death parts us' is built on teamwork and sensitivity.

If you were the type of person who was overly jealous, controlling and demanding - the relationship likely wouldn't have lasted this long - so I do not believe your request was one made frivolously or one that was unreasonable.

The fact that this relationship (via phone or text or anything else) hurt you or bothered you enough to ask him to stop, should have been all he needed to hear. A loving partner/spouse does not continue to hurt the other just because they are convinced it 'shouldn't' hurt.

If you were to take a hammer and begin slamming your husband's thumb with it - you wouldn't feel the pain. So it would take him asking you to stop and telling you 'that hurts!' to make you aware of it.

From your husband's point of view, he can continue hurting you because in HIS opinion and since HE doesn't feel the pain he's causing you, it must not be happening.

Poppycock! If you were carrying on with another man like this I have little doubt that he'd put his foot down not just about it occurring, but about taking the money out of the household in order to pay for it (phone calls/texts).

Now, with all of this said, you have ONE choice to make: Either continue to do the same things you've been doing all along with the same result (which is that nothing changes) or do something different that will force a different result (something must change).

The power is all yours. As helpless as you might feel, you really are the most powerful person in this. It's time to find your voice and use that power.

My suggestion would be to set up a few counseling sessions for both of you to attend. Together. It doesn't matter how you get him there, just do your best. Tell him you want a counselor to help you understand why it's acceptable for him to carry on like a high school boy with an infatuation with this other woman. So he has to be there in order to explain it to the counselor so the counselor can explain to you why it's "ok" for him to do this.

Obviously any counselor who is genuinely educated and experienced will know better. That's why I strongly advise that you avoid people calling themselves "life coaches" or such and do not have verifiable references and college degrees. Ideally, get a referral from your medical doctor or hospital's mental health department when it comes to finding a counselor. If you have med insurance, they'll also have a list.

You can also look into options through your local churches and synagogues. Often you do not have to be a member - counseling is provided across faiths.

And expect that your husband may not go. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't. You need help in learning that you are only a victim of these two people (husband and the woman) because you're allowing it.

They are doing it because there are no consequences. You need to learn what consequences you can rain down upon them if they don't stop this nonsense.

That woman should be talking to her own counselor, not another woman's husband. Your husband shouldn't be play acting as a counselor without acknowledging the sort of pain he is inflicting, first and foremost on YOU and secondly, on this other woman. He has no business being this significant in another person's life, especially when she clearly needs professional help.

Again though, all you can do is what is right for you. And right now it's to stand up, speak up and enlist the help of a professional in your location who will guide you the rest of the way.

Be strong. No matter what, remember that you deserve respect and love and this is not what you're getting.


Rev.Dr. August Abbott and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
thankyou for your very kind words im glad to think you agree that im not unreasonable.however you last paragraph suggests she needs proffesional help?my husband says they just talk about everything and anything do you think because her partner has had a nervous breakdown that she is turning to my husband for support.Now she is his carer not his luver.
Yes, she absolutely needs professional help, not just 'support' from another woman's husband. Going through what she has (and is) with her husband is a severe stressor on many levels. She and HER husband need to share some counseling sessions with either a new therapist or the one he is or was seeing. An individual does not have a 'nervous breakdown' without needing some intense and usually ongoing mental health therapy. Just like a person doesn't shatter their leg in several places and just go off walking once it appears mended. There is a lot of therapy required in order to re build musculature, re learn how to use the leg properly and so on.

A mental breakdown isn't 'healed' just because it seems to be over. That woman's husband must be in therapy (if, indeed the breakdown happened) and any good therapist would be including the woman in it as well. If this isn't taking place either the physicians associated with the ailing husband are hugely neglectful, or the whole situation was 'self diagnosed' in that household.

Either way, your husband has no business there and the moment you expressed that it bothered you should have been the moment he said, "I'm sorry, you are the priority in my life and I would never hurt you on purpose. Now that I know it causes you pain or any discomfort - it's over. Done. "

And if he thinks you're being too sensitive, then as a couple you attend even a few therapy sessions of your own and have it sorted out by a professional. You may be helped in working together to set guidelines or rules such as the two of you together 'help' support this woman. No texts - but in person visits TOGETHER. Phone calls on speaker phone so you're right there to help too.

It's very sad about what this woman is going through, but neither you nor your husband are responsible for it, nor are you trained to provide the degree of help she needs

You sense 'danger' here in the relationship she's having with your husband because there very likely IS danger. Trust your instincts, don't try to rationalize them away