Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

ex or boyfriend? have 4 year old son, 12 years marriage, ex

making my life impossible with...
ex or boyfriend? have 4 year old son, 12 years marriage, ex making my life impossible with new bf, should I just go back to ex for the sake of the son?
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 17 minutes by:
7/8/2012
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Verified

Dr Levang :

Hello,

Dr Levang :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr Levang :

It seems that you are caught in a difficult situation....ex-husband, boyfriend...and what is best for your 4 year old son. Sounds painful at best.

Dr Levang :

Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your son may not be the best option. But...I would like to know a little more about the situation.

Dr Levang :

Tell me what is happening that has you writing that life is impossible with the new boyfriend. What is your ex doing?

Customer:

it is more difficult than you think...

Dr Levang :

I'm hear to listen and help...

Dr Levang :

Tell me what you are willing to share so that I can have a better understanding and then we can chat about what your options are..

Customer:

we separated for 1 year, he still wants me back. my bf don't want i talk to him or see him in person b/c everytime i see ex we having problems, i am thinking maybe i should stay married, my ex saying that he will make my life hell and he doing a good job

Dr Levang :

So you are living apart from your ex. Does your son live with you? Does his father have regular visits with him?

Dr Levang :

Why does your ex want to make your life a living hell? What does he do?

Dr Levang :

Why did you get separated in the first place?

Customer:

 yes, he was fighting for 50/50, i finally agreed

Dr Levang :

Okay..so you are sharing custody of your son.

Dr Levang :

But what does your ex do to make your life a living hell?

Dr Levang :

Are you living with your bf...or just dating...

Dr Levang :

Why did you separate from your husband in the first place...

Customer:

because he saying I left a family for another man, and should think about son

Dr Levang :

So he wants you to feel guilty?

Dr Levang :

Why did you leave?

Customer:

no future, he didn't like to work, no money, drinking, smoking.

Customer:

i guess so - guilty

Dr Levang :

Has any of this changed since you left...he is working? is there money? has he stopped drinking and smoking? is there a future?

Customer:

no

Dr Levang :

Then why would you want to go back to him and to the same issues?

Customer:

because of the son, noone will replace daddy, i am back and fourth between 2 of them, when i fight with one, what is wrong with me?

Dr Levang :

Your husband will always be your son's father...nothing can change that. But if living with your husband makes your life unbearable and you cannot handle the smoking, drinking, no money, no working...then how will you be a happy person and a good parent under those conditions?

Dr Levang :

The what is wrong with you sounds like you are just so confused. That you are pulled one way and then the other. Maybe neither of these men is right for you? Is that possible?

Dr Levang :

Maybe neither relationship is the healthy, loving, stable one you deserve..and your son deserves.

Customer:

i don't know, how did i live for 12 years, hope it will change, i am confused, its hard don't see your child 50% of the time

Dr Levang :

You ask a very good question...how did you live with this person for 12 years? What kept you in the marriage that long..do you know?

Dr Levang :

Yes...I think a big reason why you keep going back is for your child. Seeing him only 50% of the time is heart breaking.

Dr Levang :

But...if your only reason for going back to your husband is so that you can be a family again...you need to be sure that you can live with your husband's behavior. It drove you away once...and if nothing has changes...how long before it drives you away a 2nd time?

Customer:

my bf can't take it anymore, his email "you telling him you ended with me and he telling me you wanted to be with family and want him back. then asked him to stay the night. i can't even reconcile in my head because you make me feel like you did love me but then keep doing this - 4 times go back to him! we never had a chance bc of you back and forth with him and he finally sucked you back in.

Dr Levang :

Yes..I can understand your bf's point. Going back and forth is confusing. Obviously, you need to make a decision.

Dr Levang :

Do you love both men? Or neither?

Customer:

i don't know, they so different, age difference maybe - my ex 33, my bf 47, i am 37, my ex saying i left for money but its not the case

Dr Levang :

Okay.

Dr Levang :

Do you feel happier with one?

Dr Levang :

Do you see a future with one?

Customer:

am i a difficult client?

Dr Levang :

Do you feel more secure with one?

Dr Levang :

No you are not difficult...

Dr Levang :

It is a complicated situation. You are trying to make the best decision for your son. And..you want to be happy and secure.

Dr Levang :

If it were not for your son...your decision would be easier.

Dr Levang :

But...you have to consider his life and what he needs to grow up to be a healthy person.

Customer:

something i like in one, some-in another, y r right but how do i know what better for my son, is it healthy for him - back and forth 50/50

Customer:

i don't know what to do, so mixed up

Dr Levang :

What your son needs most is love. So if he is well loved, happy, secure...then the 50/50 will be okay. If you and your husband fight and everything is difficult and your son sees this or hears this...then that is not okay. If you feel miserable with your husband..your child will feel that negativity and it will not be good for him to see mom and dad so unhappy together.

Dr Levang :

Have you and your husband gone to couple's therapy? Have you tried to work out the differences? Is he willing to work? To stop smoking and drinking? Is there any possibility that life will get better?

Dr Levang :

If neither of you is willing to get professional help to solve the problems...then the marriage has little chance of working. You cannot solve these issues on your own. It seems that you have tried and there has been no changes.

Dr Levang :

You must decide if you can continue to live with your husband and have no changes. Or...must you leave so that you can have a better future.

Dr Levang :

While I know it is not easy, the choices are clear:

Customer:

no therapy done at this point

Dr Levang :

Go back to your husband and live the old life you had where he does not care to work, where there is no money, he drinks and smokes.

Dr Levang :

Stay with bf and try to build a new life.

Dr Levang :

End with husband and bf. Make a new life on your own.

Dr Levang :

Going to couple's therapy would give you and your husband an opportunity to see if you can repair and rebuild your marriage.

Dr Levang :

Is that something you would be willing to try?

Dr Levang :

That would certainly be another option.

Customer:

i don't know, no therapy done at this point. this is a problem i don't know what to do, why when i am with one, i think it will be better with another?

Dr Levang :

I think therapy will help you understand this.

Dr Levang :

Neither man seems to satisfy all that you want from life.

Customer:

you think i need a professional help? maybe i am crazy?

Dr Levang :

Part of the problem is that you want to be with your son 100%...and that cannot happen if you are with bf...But when you are with your husband that does not go so well and then you begin to think of how nice it is with bf.

Dr Levang :

No..you are not crazy. What you are is confused. That is very different.

Dr Levang :

But yes...you need therapy to understand what is happening and to be able to make a decision as to how to live your life and what is best for your son.

Dr Levang :

Is getting therapy possible?

Dr Levang :

If you went with your husband you could do couple's therapy. But it might be better to go by yourself and work on getting stronger and understanding your choices.

Customer:

where i should go?

Dr Levang :

You can check online for therapists in the city where you live.

Dr Levang :

If you tell me where you live and your postal code, I can check for you and give you some therapists to call.

Customer:

therapists for what, what they call?

Dr Levang :

I would help you find an individual therapist - a psychologist - I could give you a list of psychologists where you life and you could call to talk to them and set up an appointment.

Dr Levang :

Is that what you would like to do?

Customer:

kingston on

Dr Levang :

okay...give me a minute and I will look up some psychologists for you...

Dr Levang :

Dr. Waisberg

Dr Levang :

www.psychologistkingston.ca

Customer:

why my bf waiting for more stable situation and don't want to move in together, i told him it will be better if we move in together because i don't like to drive b/w 2 houses, is he right? what he is waiting for?

Customer:

only one?

Dr Levang :

I am finding more...

Dr Levang :

Her phone number is: 613/544-0789

Dr Levang :

Kaaren Christ

Dr Levang :

www.wholehearttherapy.ca

Dr Levang :

613/544-0789

Customer:

can i save all this chat? Save and Exit below?

Dr Levang :

Tracy Riley

Dr Levang :

613/532-7519

Dr Levang :

Yes...when we are done you can save and exit. You can print the chat too.

Dr Levang :

I am not sure what your bf is waiting for. Maybe he wants you to make a decision and stop going back and forth. It is hard for him when you cannot decide who you want to be with. He probably does not want to take the risk of moving together and then you leave...

Dr Levang :

I have looked at profiles of the three people I gave you. They all seem that they would be good choices to help you.

Dr Levang :

Please check their websites (Tracy did not have one that I could access) to learn more about them and then call to chat on the phone.

Dr Levang :

You can call Tracy to see if she has a website.

Dr Levang :

Is there more information I can provide you right now?

Customer:

ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX they usually cost?

Dr Levang :

I did not look for that information. You can check on their websites.

Customer:

thanks for the chat Dr Levang!

Dr Levang :

You are very welcome!

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Verified
Dr. L and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Dr. L Your Own Question
Dr. L
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
1,168 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Dr. L is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,706 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

426 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

1,168 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

336 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
What is the proper way for a widower to introduce his girl
What is the proper way for a widower to introduce his girl friend to his mother in law? … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
165 satisfied customers
I am a 61 year old divorced female who has been in a been
This question is for Cher. Hi- I am a 61 year old divorced female who has been in a been living with the same man for 9 1/2 years. We have had some problems off and on in the last year - he moved out … read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Doctoral Degree
385 satisfied customers
What's the fastest, healthiest way to process through grief
What's the fastest, healthiest way to process through grief during an ongoing, dragged out divorce? What's the best way to keep esteem high if the other party is highly negative, miserable, depressed,… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
165 satisfied customers
I fell in love with a woman that has emotional baggage and
I fell in love with a woman that has emotional baggage and is not ready to give her hart right now … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
165 satisfied customers
Back on 7/28/2012, I requested that with me today to see if
Dear psychlady, Back on 7/28/2012, I requested that you follow up with me today to see if my issue was resolved. If I give you a positive rating for this follow-up, JustAnswer will pay you since it's … read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
I hope this doesn't sound bad, but it will, lol! I am
Jen, I hope this doesn't sound bad, but it will, lol ! I am continuing to date him but he knows I am not as committed as him in the relationship and that I am bothered by his pushiness and do not have… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
950 satisfied customers
The guy who came to my house on a second date is asking to
Hi Jen The guy who came to my house on a second date is asking to spend time with me again on the weekend. I did not yet reply. He said that this time he will bring his guitar. I am confused. I have m… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
950 satisfied customers
I hope for you. The catalyst that brought me to a decision
Jen , Good day I hope for you. The catalyst that brought me to a decision (the final straw) to end my marriage was when my husband was plotting to buy an investment property with my oldest son without… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
950 satisfied customers
I am almost 58 and had been date a 24 girl, she was really
I am almost 58 and had been date a 24 girl, she was really into me, fun and funny, with were good frieds as well. she always wanted to be psychical but a fought. I believe she had some separetion anlg… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
165 satisfied customers
10 years ago I met this man. He is still in my life. He's..
Hello. :) 10 years ago I met this man. He is still in my life. He's Joe. I'm Carmen. He asked for a sign from God. The next day we got a street sign "JOE and CARMEN" 10 years goes by. I joined the Arm… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
165 satisfied customers
Over the weekend she liked a lightning compilation video I
Hi Jen :)Over the weekend she liked a lightning compilation video I made from the video captured on my drone, so I gather she is saying she is still around... Got really excited on Friday night as I f… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
950 satisfied customers
I have OCD, depression, eating disorder. I used to not be
I have OCD, depression, eating disorder. I used to not be able to have family or friends over unless I was my perfect self. That would mean eating good and on my low weight side and active. I started … read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Counselor
Master's Degree
1,706 satisfied customers
Whenever I get drunk I have urges to cheat on my partner, by
Whenever I get drunk I have urges to cheat on my partner, by thinking about using prostitution … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
165 satisfied customers
Dumped my boyfirend yesterday. Basically he was replying my
Basically he was replying my messages so late, whenever I call he says I will call you back and he doesn't, he says his busys but doesn't tell me? Yesterday when I said we need to be frends he said you know we won't be friends and he also said we are not meant to be together … read more
matt50025002
matt50025002
Owner of a waste management company
Master\u0027s Degree
118 satisfied customers
I promissed an update! Well here it is. So yesterday she
Hey,I promissed an update! Well here it is.So yesterday she cancelled the date because she was tierd (what she told me). And she told me that we can go out today, and a moment ago I asked her when we … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Question for Female Therapist. - Thanks for re-connecting
[Second opinion] Question for Female Therapist. - Thanks for re-connecting with me. In my last letter (Oct 27),I indicated that Ro had said "hi" and started to say, "Harv how have you bee....."but the… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Counselor
Master's Degree
1,706 satisfied customers
I am in a bit of s spot I talk to guys on the internet and I
I am in a bit of s spot I talk to guys on the internet and I have two guys that like me a lot. And they both decided to come home at the same time just s day apart should I tell them about each other … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
950 satisfied customers
My problem is about a relationship in which I m into from
Hi, My problem is about a relationship in which I m into from past 1 year. I am married and she is also married but currently she is staying away from her husband though they meet each other occasiona… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
165 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x