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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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hi there, i am a straight presently single girl while my female

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hi there, i am a straight presently single girl while my female boss is straight and married. The other day after a few drinks (it was a company party), I hugged her a few times, then she did not push me back but gently let go. She said she was not a touchy feely person and I should seriously not touch her. Then I told her I like her, and not just professionally, she got angry, said she was married and my boss and this was disgusting, and she was not comfortable with it and my staring at her. Previously, she had warned me about my letters to her and now today was another warning. If I did any of this again she will fire me. She said I had a problem and need to see a shrink. I said told her I had never felt like this for any other female before her, said sorry and took off. Frankly I am glad to know the truth and am totally cool about it, I had totally misred her and had thought she was flirting with me and liked me. Now do you have any advice what I should do? and how to be around her cause I do not want to leave the job? thanks
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

It sounds like you made an honest mistake in misreading your boss's feelings towards you, and it is unfortunately that she had such an extreme reaction to your honesty towards her. Now that you know how she feels, it sounds like in order to keep your job you would have to keep your interactions with her strictly professional, and treat her the same as you would anyone else who you share a purely professional relationship.

Considering the way you feel about her it may be tough to do this, but it does sound like she's been pretty clear about the letter writing, staring, and anything else that would show emotion towards her. At this point it seems like if your job is your top priority, then you have to play it extra safe in avoiding any behaviors or actions that could be taken the wrong way. If you've never felt like this about someone before, at some point it may become very difficult to stay at this job knowing that you can't be as close to her as you want, and if it gets to be too tough you may want to consider exploring other employment options.

I'm sorry to hear about what you've gone through especially after having attempted to be honest with your feelings. I definitely wish you the best, XXXXX XXXXX there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you ofr your reply Ryan. I find your advice very sound and helpful. I have been in love before, always with guys though and there have been times when I have had experiences of unrequitted love with my guy friends and have had to still hang out with them, but it has been cool. It did hurt inside in seeing my unrequitted love but I never displayed any emotion. So in your experience do you think though I am ok with it now, eventually my feelings for my boss may bother me? she is sure to ask me next time we meet, how I am doing and if I will still be ok to work with her on this very important project for 2yrs? I am not sure how to convince her if that I will be ok. I am a little scared of her now.
No problem, I want to make sure I help you out, so thanks for your response.

Considering what happened it seems understandable that you would be a little intimidated by your boss and how to talk to her when you meet with her next. It may not necessarily be easy to get over this emotionally right away, but I would think that as far as your boss goes, she is going to be most concerned with your ability to do your job properly and maintain a professional relationship. As long as you know you can do that, then it seems proper to assure her that you will be ok to continue working on this project. It may take you a little while to adjust and recover from this emotionally, but if you feel confident that you can still handle your professional responsibilities, I suspect it will start to get easier emotionally over time now that you know where you stand with her. Hang in there and I hope it all goes well for you.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I agree with you given that she has no feelings for me she will only be concerned about the project and I will reassure her I can do the job cause I know I can. I think she will not give me the "her favorite" treatment anymore, she might even be rude to me to show that she does not like me. And give more preferential treatment to others, just to make the point. I think by God's grace I will do good and not show any emotion be cool...eventually I too feel my heart will heal like it always does! Thanks for listening.
I know what you mean and I think that's a legitimate concern that she may go out of her way to give preferential treatment to others just to send a message. Overall though I would hope that you will be judged by the quality of your work, and if that is solid, she will have a hard time denying your ability to help her and the company you work for, and any immediate problems should start to go away. It may be tough to be cool at first, but I agree that you will heal and get through this as time goes on and there is more distance between you and this whole situation.

Best of luck with everything. If you have any other follow-up questions you are welcome to send them my way. Otherwise if you've found this helpful I'd appreciate a positive review since it's the only way I receive credit for this exchange. Thanks a lot and take care!

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