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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Professional therapist
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months and gave talked

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months and gave talked about moving in together, but he is not ready to. I understand his feelings about not wanting to rush in to things but it still hurts sometimes. When we started dating we were both working 9-5 jobs (at the same company) now we both have new jobs, moved to a new city (seperately) and his work schedule is VERY hectic. We never know when he is going to have to go out of town or for how long. We talk to eachother every day and work at showing the other we care. I just dont want a life where I only see him a couple of days a week. We talk very openly about everything and he feels equally bad for not spending as much time together, but we are at a point where we don't know what to do. Its taking a toll on us physically and emotionally because we both love eachother very much and feel such a deep connection, walking away just doesnt seem like the best answer.

please help
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your boyfriend, and I agree that it would be a shame to walk away from such a deep connection. I can understand how him not being ready to move in with you could hurt, but I also wouldn't take it as a sign that it is a problem if things have otherwise been good together. It can actually be a good sign that he is self aware enough to know when he is/isn't ready for something like that, and sometimes by waiting a little bit longer it can actually strengthen your relationship if it allows him to get mentally prepared for living with you.

It does sound like his work situation has the potential to continue to cause problems, and I can definitely understand why you would be concerned about what this means moving forward. I would think that a lot depends on how committed he is to this lifestyle. If this is how he anticipates spending his life, or if this is the path that his career is likely to take him on, then this hectic lifestyle may be something you have to find a way to accept if you want to continue with this relationship. That would be a tough reason to end a relationship, but if you know that you can't be happy with this lifestyle forever, you may not have a choice.

From what you said though, it sounds like he is not completely with this lifestyle either. It may be helpful to discuss how he sees his employment situation working out over the long term. If you talk with him and know that this is going to be temporary, or at least not the way he wants to spend his life, perhaps that would be enough reason for you to hang in there. There may not be much he can do to control the pace of his job now, but if you can get an idea of whether this hectic lifestyle is something he wants to remain committed to, it may be big a help in making your decision of how to handle this. If this current situation is not what he wants either, it seems like there is certainly reason to believe that you will both find a way to work this out.

I definitely wish you the best and hope that this has been helpful. If there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for your response Ryan. This is pretty much the same conclusion we have reached though. I guess I am looking for advice on how we can work through it? How much sense does it make to be in a relationship with someone when they are gone more than they are here and there are no promises that our relationship will be taken to the next step?
No problem, I want to make sure I'm able to help you out, so thank you for your response.

He doesn't have to make any promises or commitments to you, but he should still be able to give you some idea of whether this lifestyle is acceptable to him over the long run. If you know that he's ok with this lifestyle and that he can't make any commitments that it's ever going to end, then it probably doesn't make a lot of sense to be in a relationship knowing that you can't be happy with him being gone all of the time.

If you know this isn't the way he wants to spend his life, then it's more of a personal decision of how long you want to hang in there in order to see if he does want to make more of a commitment at some point. The fact that he can't make more of a commitment to you after 9 months doesn't seem like a reason in itself to start doubting your relationship. For many people that is not long enough to make a decision like living together, but that doesn't mean that he cares about you any less. If everything has otherwise been good, then there is no reason to believe your relationship won't continue to grow and progress.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like there's much to be done as far as actually "working through this," unless he is willing to change jobs. Otherwise it seems like it is a matter of accepting that this is the way it is for now, or walking away. However if you can get a better idea of what he is looking for out of his life, and you find out that there is an end in sight to the hectic pace, that may help you to hang in there even though it is difficult to not see him much in the short term.
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