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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5839
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi again, well things are better with my relationship with my boyfrien

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Hi again, well things are better with my relationship with my boyfriend meaning that he has been more considerate. With that said we still have the same issues about him giving me the ring he has had for a long time. He says that it is mine and he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me but now is not the time to celebrate us. He says that things are bad financially and he does not feel that he wants to celebrate us. As much as I want to believe what he is saying I just dont. I know that he would sooner let me break up with him then give me that ring and get engaged. He showed me that awhile back when he went on an internet dating site and spoke with other women when I told him that I had enough of this stuff and told him I did not want to see him for awhile. It only lasted a few days because I really do love him and gave in once again. I did not find out for months that he went looking and saw notes he wrote down about other women. When I confronted him he said he was just talking and it was nothing that he only wants me. I am now also finding it diffcult to trust him although he has apologized many times and keeps saying it was nothing. I dont know if I should accept this excuse, why should the celebration of our love and partnership be affected by other factors like his financial situation. I have a good job and his business is holding its own right now although it may be a problem down the road. His business problems may take a year or maybe two to solve should I let him do this to me? I feel like I have no respect for myself as I kill myself at his place and give 100% yet he wont do this one things that I really want and need. I told him we could wait until thing are better to actually get married but he wont even get engaged. What do you think the real truth may be here, control? Starting to think that. thanks.
Hello, it's good to hear from you!

It sounds like your boyfriend is not willing to commit. He shows you two behaviors that indicate why he won't ask you to marry him: one, he refuses to commit no matter his situation (financial is not an excuse to not get engaged), and two, he is still interested in other women.

As you pointed out, you are doing fine financially. And even if he is not doing well, he could still show he is committed by asking you to marry him. That kind of commitment level does not require him to change anything in his life at this point. He could always talk with you about how to handle the financial situation and how long it might take to address it so you could get married. Many couples become engaged and wait until they can work out their personal finances so they can get married. They seek other jobs, move or do other things to address these issues. Also, you have an income and your boyfriend is not considering it at all, it seems. That is suspicious right there.

But the most important sign that your boyfriend is not ready to be committed is his continuing interest in other women. He has yet to commit totally to you. That is a bad sign. Since he doesn't seem to want to commit, any thought of it seems to make him more determined to stray. And if you are married, he probably will not stop this behavior. It may even get worse.

This may be about control on his part or it could be that commitment scares him. It is something he will need to realize and deal with as a problem rather than just avoid it. As long as he does not see his behavior as an issue, this will be a problem in your relationship. You are giving 100% and he is not. That is a big imbalance and it will stay that way unless he is willing to address it.

You could wait him out to see if things change, or you could back off and start dating other people. It depends on if you feel your boyfriend will change at all. But at some point, you need to take care of yourself if he will not give you what you want in the relationship.

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or more stars? Anything lower results in a negative against my record. And your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Kate, thanks for your reply but I need to give you some additional information. Yes he did go on the internet but he stated that it was because he was upset that I "fired him" as he put it. Is it acceptable that he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and will marry me but he just feels bad about his situation right now and feels that getting engaged should be celebrated and he does not feel that way right now? Could that be true? He just lets me be so upset and knows how much he is hurting and dissapointing me, why if he loved me so much he would not put that aside and get engaged? As much as I want to believe him in my head and my heart I cant believe someone who truly loves someone would allow their true love partner to keep feeling that way. Why would he not just put his feelings aside and do what he knows would make me happy, I do it every minute of every day for him and he knows it. I truly feel there is more to this but what do I do to really find out? I need to know. I have having such difficulty with this issue and its consuming my whole life. Please help me try and sort this out. thanks.

If it is true that he feels the need to "celebrate" your engagement and has to wait for the right time, he will be waiting for a long while. There is no perfect time to be engaged or married. People do both knowing that nothing will be perfect.

You are right that no one would let their partner feel so upset. He should be putting you first and he is not doing that at all. He is putting himself first.

There is no real way to find out why he is doing this except by seeing his behavior for what it is. He is telling you how he feels by how he acts. He probably doesn't know why he does these things himself and may not care. He seems interested in what he needs and that is all. He certainly has feelings for you but whether or not they are healthy it is hard to tell.

You can only do what you need to do in this relationship. And right now, he is causing you pain. And your relationship is very unbalanced, and not in your favor. It is up to you to decide if you are willing to continue as things are or back off for a while to see what happens.


TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Kate for the advice, its hard to read but it is what I have been feeling. How would you tell him this? Do I just say that this is not what I want from my relationship? I feel like I want to leave the door open but then again if I am not sincere in my discussion with him he will just dismiss my statements as he has for the last 2 years as empty threats aimed at getting him to act on something he just does not want to do . I hope I am wrong but I do tend to believe at this point that what he is doing is a cover up for some other reason. Its terrible to say but maybe he just is putting me off because he just wants to end this legal action he has with his business and if he gets what he wants out of it he will just pay me back and leave me or maybe he will not get what he wants and leave me anyway. I sometimes think that even though he may love me to the extend he is able I am an asset to him now because i hold his relationships together and give him some credibility of some class to his place. I also am different than many of the people there meaning I am a professional business lady with eithics ,this has been a problem with other relationships he had in the past, he does not have a great reputation with dealing with people as he is very tough, unyielding and not great at the business pr thing. He is very smart at the work part but not the business end. Maybe its just that he is stringing me along, this is make sense based on how he is acting with this issue. Its like he is dangling a carrot for some reason right?

I think your feelings about him are accurate, as painful as that is. And I know it's not an easy thing to face. But his behavior has pointed to exactly what you have described. He is probably using you and your abilities to make him look better and hold things together. Otherwise, he would commit to your relationship.


You might want to take some time to think through what you want to say to him. Decide how you want to say it's over. List the reasons why and read them then re read them so you know what you want to say. The less emotion you use, the better. Stick to the facts and keep to the point. Something like, "I am not happy in the relationship and think it is time for me to move on". Then if he asks why, bring up the reasons you listed. After you have talked it out, leave. Don't contact him and don't speak with him. That way, you can have the chance to heal.