Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I can imagine how overwhelming and frustrating this situation must be for you. I can see that the situation is getting more untenable with time for you and I'm concerned about you keeping on trying to have a relationship with your mother the way you are.
I promise, I won't tell you to start psychotherapy. However, I will tell you that I do not believe it is safe for you to have any contact with your mother UNLESS you are in psychotherapy with a therapist or psychologist who is experienced with narcissism and with its effect on children. Because your brother has done what is the most effective way of self-protection with a narcissistic parent: he has ceased any contact. This is what the vast majority of adult kids do. And those who try to maintain a relationship can only do so and maintain any personal mental health if they are in therapy. Okay? That's it on therapy.
Now, I've let the cat out of the bag, because your mother is most likely narcissistic. And the problem is that this is still an unlivable situation for you. Why?
Because narcissists cannot access their own ability to give to others so they use up other people's desire to give and to give goodness. You need to live your life, so I want you to focus on this aspect: getting yourself free INSIDE, emotionally, spiritually and in your thoughts from that relationship. I am going to recommend a wonderful book that you need to read that is also available online:
It is called: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by XXXXX XXXXXez-Lewi.
Let me remind you of what you know within yourself is true because you've experienced it:
It is very difficult for people to imagine how pervasive NPD is. They tend to keep doing things with the narcissist as if she's normal. Then they get burned and they are very hurt. She will alternate charm and invective. You will be hurt. You are a normal person and have a view of personality that we call "whole". Your view does not allow for what has happened to her personality: it has become "fractured". What do I mean?
Let's use a parable of a house. You understand personality as being an open plan. There is the main big room where everything in the personality is and there are some smaller rooms off the main room, but they all have open doorways so that there is a unity there. If a person reacts from one of those smaller areas in his personality, it is coherent with the rest of the house, it fits into the decorating scheme of the main room, etc. It's all unified.
She isn't like that. Se has different closed rooms. When she says something to you, it responds to some need and "truth" of a certain room. When she wants something else, it responds to a different room that contains that "truth". They don't have to agree for her to feel she is being okay and truthful. Because they are responding to different needs in her. Like different closed rooms.
You would not be able to feel whole that way. You would feel rather creepy. Well she doesn't feel whole. But she doesn't know how to feel whole. And she doesn't know what feeling whole is like. So she can lie without feeling any regret or conscience. And her husband backs her up. Why? Because he knows what will happen to her if he doesn't: she'll turn on him instead of you.
So please remember what I said at the beginning: you need to find a way to make starting your own life away from her now practical; you must consider yourself a survivor who is seeking to escape. Perhaps asking your brother for tips and support in this will be possible. If so, do it.
But I'm concerned you will refuse to cut her off. You are searching for "mommy". And that's a good search. But she's not it. She doesn't have the equipment. You need to volunteer in assisted living facilities and find a few lucid women who's kids live out of town. And begin to bond with them. Yes, they will pass on, so then you'll bond with other women and mourn those who passed on. But bond with older women who have love to give but no one to give it to. They have the equipment to be a mommy for you. She doesn't.
I am reluctant to do this, but I'm going to prescribe a couple of excellent books you can get on how to live with a narcissist if you refuse to do those things. These books WILL help you as they have been tried and I've seen them have good effect if you follow the suggestions of the authors:
1. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship by Eleanor Payson. This is a great book that will help you with the lack of self-esteem that living with a narcissist or being close with a narcissist will do to you.
2. The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists by Rokelle Lerner. This book is newer but is extremely clear and insightful and has helped people since it came out 3 years ago.
But if you decide to continue with her and use these books, will you at least consider therapy?
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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